My husband found out I was cheating on him. My husband leaving is very difficult. Cheating on your husband - what to do if your husband cheated

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! I have been married to my husband for 7 years. A year ago I met a man in an online game, I really liked him and was interesting. We exchanged numbers, talked, but my husband didn’t know anything. Six months later I found out. Gave me a chance. A month later, I started communicating with this man again. I don’t know what came over me, apparently these feelings of being in love had already been forgotten, because I was already in love with this man. My husband and I had a daughter at that time. This man came from another city to see me in reality. I cheated on my husband. We saw the man for 2 days. I realized that it was time to stop all this, otherwise my husband would find out, everything stopped, I got pregnant, gave birth to my second daughter, a month later I decided to write to this man and just ask how he was doing, and we started communicating again. My husband found out about this 3 months later, read the entire correspondence, and there were words of love. Gave a second chance, but continued to correspond secretly. I don't know where my brains were. One day my husband listened to a voice message in messenger that I had cheated on him and left me. Now I am in his apartment until I go to work. My husband left me, calling me the last words. Lives with relatives. I am sitting at home with the children, and I immediately cut off contact with this man. I understand that now it will be very difficult for me, due to the fact that I am alone with 2 children. I regret everything that happened, because my husband loved me very much and did everything for me. We have been living separately for 2 months, problems with alcohol began, and I started drinking at least a hundred grams every day. I fell into depression, I couldn’t think about anything. I labeled myself as a cheater, because of this my parents and my husband’s parents suffer, I feel very sorry for the children, I don’t understand how at that moment I couldn’t think about them. Constant thoughts of suicide. I don’t want to live, my husband has already found a girlfriend, I’m very jealous. I don’t want to live to give my husband the opportunity to improve his life, and not be such a mother for my children. I'm at a dead end on how to move on. And I’m afraid that I won’t find a way out like suicide. Help me please.

Psychologist Alina Vladimirovna Lelyuk answers the question.

Hello Mira!

Unfortunately, we don't always think about the consequences of our actions. And about what action and how it will affect our lives. But what's done is done. And you need to think about how to live further and how to correct or improve your life.

Let's start from the beginning. If you start communicating with another man, it means that you have lost interest in your husband and you really lacked something in the family. When you changed, you seemed to confirm it even more. Only you know what happened in your relationship with your husband, that it was much more pleasant for you to communicate with another man. And this should not be overlooked.

Even after your husband gave you a second and third chance, obviously nothing has changed in your relationship. And you were still sorely lacking something - warmth, flirting, romance, etc. But, obviously, you did not discuss this with your husband and did not look for ways to solve the problems that were brewing in your relationship. And if your husband had not listened to the voice message, then your communication with that man would have lasted for a long time. You would look outside for what the family lacked at home.

I'm not making excuses for you. I'm just suggesting that you are not the only one to blame for what happened in your relationship with your husband. The two of you were unable to properly discuss everything that was happening in your family and find solutions.

What you have made are mistakes. But it's definitely not fatal. And everything can be fixed if you really want it. Cheating can be either the end of a relationship or the beginning of a new, better relationship. Provided that each of you draws conclusions and decides to maintain this relationship.

If you understand and are sure that you really need your husband and you want to get him back, start acting in this direction. First, get yourself in order. Stop drinking. Alcohol is, unfortunately, not a solution at all. Neither for you nor for your children who see you in this state. And for your husband, if you talk to him in this state, it’s also not pleasant. And such behavior definitely does not inspire respect. Think about this very carefully.

The labeling you have put on yourself is not correct. Anyone can stumble. It is important to draw conclusions and not repeat these mistakes again. Therefore, think carefully about what exactly led your family to this situation? What exactly did you miss in your relationship with your husband? Why did you choose to be in a relationship with another man instead of talking to your husband and trying to improve your relationship at home? Why did you decide that it is completely permissible to communicate on the side and cheat? Why didn't you appreciate your husband?

And talk calmly with your husband. Without hysterics, tears, humiliation and insults. Like two adults after mistakes have been made. Talk about how much you blame yourself. That you realize what a huge mistake you made and how much you repent. And if you are given another chance, you will never betray or hurt your husband again. And then let the husband make the decision.

Mira, you have two children. And this is a huge incentive to understand yourself, your life and start all over from scratch. With or without a husband. Rating 5.00 (11 Votes)

There are many jokes on the topic of infidelity: a husband comes home, finds a naked man in the closet or under the bed, he blatantly lies and introduces himself as anyone but his wife’s lover. As a rule, in real life, the participants in a love triangle are not laughing at all. I especially feel sorry for the spouse in this situation: he feels humiliated and insulted, the deceiving wife cuckolded him right in front of his nose. What to do in such a situation?

How not to screw up your husband after his wife cheated on him before his eyes?

When the husband caught his wife with her lover, one can only sympathize with him. In confusion, the spouse rushes from one extreme to another. To avoid doing anything stupid, pay attention to the following points:

1. Any normal man whosethe wife was caught cheating and will want to physically deal with the participants in the sex scene. In some eastern countries, stoning women to death as punishment for adultery is still practiced. Sounds scary. When a husband catches his wife with her lover, self-control is the last thing on his mind. In order not to become like a primitive feeling, you need to control yourself. If you use force against your lover, then this will be a criminal offense. Be reasonable.
2. If you can’t control yourself, it’s better to leave for a while. When you first find out that your wife is cheating, the decision to break up the relationship comes naturally. To avoid regret, give yourself a couple of days to think about the situation. Maybe you will still decide to forgive your spouse?
3. When a wife gets burned by cheating, it’s unpleasant. But don’t immediately rush to take revenge and look for a girlfriend for the evening. Don't repeat what your wife did. Be taller and more generous. If you change yourself, you will not be clear before your conscience.

When the storm has calmed down a bit, the question arises: what to do after you catch your wife cheating? Here is a rough list of actions:

1. Talk openly with your wife about what happened. Find out what influenced her rash act. Maybe you offended her in some way, and your wife decided to hurt you with betrayal right in front of your nose. This will not be an excuse, but at least a reason to mitigate the punishment.
2. It's better to separate for a while. Let each of the spouses be alone with themselves without hasty clarification of the relationship. Alone, decide how strong your feelings are for your wife who was caught cheating. True love will help forgive any wrongdoing.
3. Monitor your spouse's further behavior: does she repent of her actions? All people make mistakes and learn from their mistakes.
4. Have you mentally forgiven your spouse? Let her know that this behavior should not be repeated. Threaten with divorce, teach her a good lesson. Don't let your wife sit on your neck.
5. If you decide to file for divorce, try to separate peacefully. There is no need for you to harbor evil. What if fate has prepared a gift for you after an unpleasant ordeal? Don't waste your life energy on negativity.

How to explain the situation to your husband if he is caught with his lover?

You can often see women’s pleas on the Internet: “I cheated on my husband, and he found out, help me, what should I do?” If everything is done efficiently, taking into account all possible nuances, the husband has practically no chance of catching his wife with her lover. It is possible that the wife is tired of the constant hassle over the created love triangle. And he deliberately takes risks, meeting, for example, a gentleman at home, knowing that his husband will come soon. With this behavior, she subconsciously wants her husband to find out everything, and there would be no need to hide. Or another option: a woman wants to break up with her legal husband and provoke him to make a decision about divorce. “My husband found out about my betrayal and left me” - you can then tell your girlfriends with a hint of pride if previously your husband categorically refused to get a divorce.

The psychology of the issue is very individual. I would like to note that if you decide to cheat in an area where a husband can burn his wife, you must clearly come up with options for retreat and a justification for your action. But when the husband suddenly caught his wife cheating, you will still have to answer, regardless of the reason for your adultery. The following tips will help you get started:

1. First of all, don't argue with your spouse. Let him express everything he thinks about you and your lover. Do not provoke him into assault with your counterattacks. It’s better to indicate that you don’t want to discuss the embarrassment that happened right now due to extreme stress.
2. When your husband loses steam, throw your lover out of harm's way. Seeing you and someone else's man together will clearly not set your spouse up for a constructive conversation.
3. If your spouse’s character is explosive and his reaction is unpredictable, it is better to slowly collect the necessary things and move in with your mother or friend for a while. Time will allow the husband, who found out about his lover, to cool down.

So, actions to smooth out the acute peak of the conflict have been carried out. The next step is to decide whether you want to remain legally married or decide to break up with your spouse.

Option 1. Preserving the family

After such an offense, it is difficult to find mutual understanding with your husband. But who, if not you, should know your spouse’s weaknesses? If he is greedy for compliments, say them without stopping, flatter and praise every step. Does your husband like cars or fishing? Gift something that matches his hobby and become an expert in that field. Naturally, talk about your feelings for your spouse, that you love him more than life itself, and that an arrogant lover is just a terrible mistake, a test of fate that you failed miserably.

You need to forget about the gentleman forever and rudely cut off contact with him, without giving hope for the continuation of the holiday. If there is even one tiny thread remaining connecting you, your husband may find out and never forgive you. You need to gain trust again, and this is not easy to do.

Show your spouse that you are the best, despite the betrayal. Bring comfort to your home and constantly prepare signature dishes. You won’t find a good housewife these days during the day.

Option 2. Divorce

It also happens that after a woman is caught with her lover, she finally decides to break off relations with her disgusted husband. In this situation, everything becomes simpler.

Don't make excuses. Just talk frankly with your husband: express the reasons for your betrayal. Maybe your husband did not pay attention to you, and the feelings went away. And so you were not afraid to be caught off guard with another man. Try to speak respectfully and be grateful for the years you have lived together. Discuss issues related to raising children, if you have managed to have them. It is better to resolve everything peacefully and calmly without mutual reproaches and insults.

To prevent situations where a husband catches his wife cheating on you, be attentive to each other. Respect and love are the main components of a harmonious and happy relationship.

Hi all. I'm new here, so if I wrote something wrong, don't blame me. I will be extremely frank because I really need help.... So, I'll start... 6 years ago my husband and I met, from the first day we knew that we would be together. On the very first evening, he invited me to meet... We were deeply in love, I couldn’t look into his eyes enough, he looked into mine and we could sit opposite each other for hours... It seemed to us that we were so identical, that we we think and feel the same thing, we even had similar destinies... I loved him and he loved me... after 1.5 years, our relationship, like many others, reached a dead end, he earned little, I was constantly missing at work Moreover, it also brought in a little money, and he spent all his free time playing on the computer. And to all my attempts to talk to him and take him out somewhere to have fun, I heard refusals, I heard how tired he was, how sick, how he wanted to sleep, how he didn’t want to go anywhere and other needs... I despaired... It seemed to me that that he feels comfortable with me as a mother, I cook, clean, do laundry, bring breakfast to bed, and still have time to work and study, but he doesn’t want to do anything. Resentments were accumulating inside me, and I began to remain silent... One terrible time day I found an outburst of all my emotions, I had another... I was sure that I would part with my future husband without any regret, but when I started a conversation and he left, I realized that I didn’t want him to leave, I didn’t I don’t want anyone else, but at that time I had already been dating a new man for almost 3 months and the relationship was quite serious, with all that it entails. We had a relationship... It turns out that I cheated on him for 3 months and didn’t tell him, and when I tried, I chickened out and fell silent... We broke up with my lover the same evening when I started a conversation with my husband, but about my lover to my husband she never said anything... Half a year later we decided to get married, and so we did. A year later, a daughter was born, everything was great with us, we bought a big apartment, a good car, I got a new job, better paid, everything went like everyone else. In 2014, my little son was born, he is now 3 months old... But my secret would not let me go, I was ashamed that I had betrayed him before marriage. 4 years have passed since then... And 2 months ago I decided to repent to him, I told him everything... But this was not enough for him and he began to search and dig for all the details, and dug everything out, down to the slightest detail... Now he throws mud at me every day for 2 months, endlessly insults me (although in all 6 years he has not said a rude word), and wants to leave, he says that this is the only way out. He says that he doesn’t want to live with a woman who betrayed him and then built a family on this betrayal, he reproaches me for giving birth to his children, he said that everything I have, I don’t deserve it. And I literally beg him to stay, because I can’t see life without him. I never thought that I would have to beg a MAN to stay.... But this is not just a man, this is the father of my children, this is the person with whom I was truly happy. I cry all day long, I don’t see the colors of life anymore, I have 2 children, but I don’t have the strength to take care of them... I’m ashamed, annoyed, terrible at what I did, I torment myself so much about it, but I understand, that it was before marriage, that we had no children, no family. And now everything is collapsing, everything that I built and collected piece by piece. He says that if I cheated once, then I will definitely cheat in the future, but I was so tormented by remorse and I worried and thought about all this for so long that I am almost sure that I will try to do everything to ensure that this does not happen again.. . What should I do? let go and live with two children and, looking at them, feel remorse that I destroyed my family with my own hands, even when they were not even in the plans? Or try to stop your husband? But what words should I say to him if he doesn’t perceive anything?? I really repent and love my husband very much, this is bad, terribly bad, but nothing can be changed...

The conversation with my husband lasted 3 hours and 36 minutes after I confessed to him that I was having an affair with another man. Unlike most, I didn’t have any “good” reason for this (although are there such reasons at all? Probably not). I wasn't bored, I didn't feel unloved, I wasn't unhappy.

My inability to explain the reasons for the action turned the conversation into a long and pointless process during which Nick tried to understand why it happened. He looked for a rational explanation and did not find it. It took almost 4 hours to realize that I simply cannot provide a clear answer to the question.

I lost my confidence and tiptoed around my husband.

We spent a week apart. Nick lived with his brother. Then they got back together and decided to leave everything behind and start a new life. And a year after the confession, I sat down in that same living room and wrote a letter. In it, I talked about everything that changed in the marriage because of my infidelity.

1. The sex was terrible. At first, during intimacy, Nick was distant. This did not surprise me - I assumed that it would take time for everything to return to normal. But even when normality returned to life, terrible sex still visited the bedroom. These may have been bad days, but since the root cause of bad sex was cheating, I blamed myself for it every time.

2. I felt obligated to work on the relationship. The betrayal and subsequent confession made me feel like I had to give 200% to justify my wrongdoing.

3. I began to doubt everything, analyzed everything endlessly. When Nick forgave me, I wondered why he did it. When he upset me with something, I thought: “What right do I have to be angry with him after what I did?” I lost confidence in myself and realized that I was tiptoeing around my husband. And this forced him to take responsibility for all decisions regarding the relationship.

4. I constantly wondered if he remembered my betrayal. I used to love the silence that arises in a stable, trusting relationship, when you don’t need to fill any pause with talking, when it’s easy for you to be silent together. But she began to depress me - I constantly remembered what I had done. And if I thought about it so often myself, then perhaps Nick did too?

5. I doubted that my husband had completely forgiven me. I often tried to mentally imagine the situation the other way around. Could I forgive him? Would it be easy for me to do this? Most likely it would be very difficult or impossible. Was he able to forgive me 100%?

6. I felt like I didn't deserve a husband.. As far as I know, he never cheated on me. It made me feel unworthy of the relationship, like I was less than my husband.

7. Family life was divided into “before” and “after”. And when you are the cause of this division, then it is a heavy burden. We ended up getting divorced. Although cheating was not the main reason, it is impossible to say exactly how big a role it played in the breakup.

8. I started to wonder if we should even be together. It’s a very strange feeling when you start asking yourself whether it was worth ending your family life. I never thought I'd get to this point. But nevertheless, this is exactly what my life has come to. Marriage is a partnership between two people, but cheating was a separate, personal choice that made me feel lonely in my relationship with my husband.

Over the course of a year, family life has changed far from for the better. There were many questions, doubts and worries. I still can’t explain why I decided to cheat. But I am sure: nothing good came out of this and could not come out. And I will never do that again.

Cheating on a woman is condemned much more than a similar act on the part of a man.

If you abandon social stereotypes and look at the situation from a different angle, then behind the phrase “what to do - I cheated on my husband” you can see a lot of painful depth that arose before the fact of infidelity arose. Read the article on how to experience a strange feeling and what to do next.

What should I do? I cheated on my husband?

Until you rethink betrayal, do nothing. With her confessions, a woman at the peak of emotions can destroy a marriage. And you shouldn’t leave, because with any betrayal, two people bear responsibility - the wife for the action, and the husband for the reasons. The problem is not with the woman (most often), but with the fact that family life has stopped developing.

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The first unpleasant emotion a woman experiences if she has cheated is a feeling of betrayal, that family life will not be the same, if it exists at all.

Take a time out and do not rush to confess to your spouse, girlfriend or mother, otherwise reproaches, accusations and manipulation based on feelings of guilt cannot be avoided. A woman must understand the causes of the problem, understand what destroyed the idyll.

Why do we cheat - reasons for cheating

Hundreds of different women on forums ask psychologists questions about their infidelity, which boils down to a typical form: “What should I do if I cheated on my husband, how to return his love.”

The answer depends on the reasons, which are useful to know not only for “harlots”, but also for men, in order to understand the behavior and accept their part of the responsibility.

1. Underestimated attractiveness or its complete disregard: if a man has stopped looking at his wife as a woman, and sees in her only a “mommy” who feeds, clothes and chokes on the feat of going to the supermarket. He should not take the position of a child. Sometimes she herself provokes such behavior with her overprotectiveness, and there are cases when he simply has not psychologically matured to a relationship at the level of a mature man and woman.

2. The family is going through a crisis. The husband becomes distant, and the wife begins to look for compensatory relationships. This situation is the result of the inability to share experiences, open up, take steps towards each other, and form “I-statements” without claims.

3. Cheating as a way to bring emotions into the quagmire of marital life. There is no entertainment, positive emotions, quality leisure time and, most importantly, the development of relationships. A woman subconsciously drives a marriage into crisis in order to revive it and awaken her husband from his lethargic sleep.

4. Treason as revenge on a man for his adultery. “Why am I worse?” or “I will take revenge on you” - such thoughts come to wives who have caught their other halves in a treacherous relationship. They want to hurt their spouse, to make them feel the same jealousy, but it turns out that now it has become worse, that the problem has not disappeared, but has worsened.

5. A trivial case: often the cause of infidelity is the woman’s alcoholic intoxication, during which an attentive man appears with the confident behavior of a male. In such a situation, it is impossible to think soberly and understand the consequences.

I cheated on my husband, how can I move on?

Cheating on her husband brings a lot of confusion to a woman’s soul: how to live on, who to listen to for advice - a psychologist, mother or friend? Definitely a specialist, because he is not involved in the situation, knows a lot about the causes and consequences, understands the woman, and does not make her guilty.

First, your husband does not need to know about this if you did not previously intend to take decisive steps towards a divorce.

The second is to speak out, but better anonymously. For this there are forums, random fellow travelers and specialists in the field of family psychology.

Third, forgive yourself: every person has the right to make a mistake. You need to forgive not only someone, but also yourself. Moreover, if this was just one case, you continue to love your man - you should not hurt the man you love.

I cheated on my husband and he found out what to do?

“I cheated on my husband, he found out, I don’t want to lose him” - is this situation familiar? If a man finds out about cheating, give him time to experience the pain. The fact that now everything will not be the same as before is clear.

Accept your share of responsibility, but share your reasons. This approach helps the husband find the answer to the question “Why?” Express regret about the action and ask not to take sudden steps.

It is possible that after this crisis you will begin to meet each other faster than before. Take into account a man's jealousy, his sense of betrayal and try to restore trust. It may take years...

Cheating on your husband - what to do if your husband cheated

The opposite situation - the man cheated. Basic advice from a psychologist on what to do if your husband cheats”:

1. Don’t do anything that will burn bridges, the main thing is not to change in retaliation for the reason “I can do it too.”

2. Don’t throw hysterics, but show all the pain and pull away.

3. The main thing is to find in yourself the reasons why he started doing this. A woman indirectly provokes a man into betrayal. One of the reasons is male instinct: the lack of sex or its quality provokes many husbands to look for joy on the side.

Plunge into your pain, do not avoid it - this is a loss: the loss of the illusion of eternal fidelity.

Then stop paying attention to your spouse and start doing something for yourself - what you dreamed of: a new hairstyle, fitness, your own business, going to work, a hobby.

When you become interesting to yourself, you automatically begin to interest a man. And not only yours. And this, oh, how it increases self-esteem.