I cheated on my husband, he found out and didn’t forgive me. My husband left because of my infidelity, is it worth returning? I cheated on my husband, how to move on?
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! We lived with my husband for 7 years, we have a 6-year-old daughter. He is a wonderful, caring, kind, generous person, but too correct in everything. It seemed like live and be happy, but I was still missing something in life. Some kind of drive or attention, although perhaps I didn’t need that kind of attention. To say that I didn’t love him is to say nothing, but with him, despite the reliability and confidence in the future, there are only gray everyday life in everything, but I always wanted holidays and colors. For the first time I cheated on him after three years of our life together with our daughter’s attending physician. My husband was working on a rotational basis at the time, and my daughter got sick, they didn’t let him go, but then it all came flooding back. He provided not only treatment to his daughter, but also support to me, and somehow everything started happening by itself. Our romance lasted only two months, and then I myself decided to stop it, because I felt that all this was wrong, I was ashamed in front of my husband, and he himself was not free either. Like a match, it flared up brightly and then went out. The husband found out about the betrayal when it was all over - “well-wishers” reported it, God be their judge. There was a very long and difficult conversation, a sea of tears, remorse, but I managed to beg his forgiveness and we decided to save the family. For the next 4 years, out of guilt, I tried in every possible way to prove my love to him, I had no thoughts and no thoughts. But recently I got a job and a new employee began to show me signs of attention. At first I rejected his advances in every possible way, but he was assertive and the fact that I was married and had a child did not stop him. In the end, I fell in love, as it seemed to me, truly fell in love. I couldn’t bear to deceive my husband again, but I couldn’t tell him the truth right away either. I was very afraid of hurting him, I was afraid that I would completely break him with my betrayal, I wanted to prepare the ground, to somehow soften the blow or something. My lover did not rush me, he said that he understood everything perfectly and intended to wait as long as necessary. This went on for six months. At first I lied to my husband, saying that I was late at work, or sitting in a cafe with colleagues, or at my mother’s; at first he interrogated me, and then he completely stopped being interested in where I was and with whom. He didn’t even say anything to me when I didn’t come home for the night and it even hurt me. I asked him - “You won’t even ask me where I’ve been?” To which he replied, “Don’t you know it yourself?” I didn’t let up, I asked, “Why aren’t you even interested?” He said that why ask when he already knows what I will answer - from a friend, from my mother, and so on. But even after that, I didn’t dare to talk to him seriously, firstly, I felt sorry for him, I was very afraid of causing him psychological trauma, and secondly, I myself wasn’t sure that I was doing the right thing - my husband has always been my support, he’s like I was quite happy with my husband and as the father of my daughter, with a securely provided rear, and I couldn’t even imagine family life with my lover yet. I felt like I was completely confused. And so I return home, I see my husband already dressed with a suitcase and bag, he told me to be silent and listen to him. He gave me a Sberbank card, said that he issued it yesterday in my name, there is enough money here for the first time, then he will send more - he will not leave his daughter without a piece of bread. He said that he knew perfectly well about my relationship with my lover, but until the last he hoped that I would come to my senses, go crazy like last time and calm down, but everything went too far, he said that if I can’t make a choice and I don’t have the courage talk to him, he will help me with this. He said that now I am free and he is leaving so as not to interfere with my happiness. He took off the ring and placed it on the coffee table. I was in tears and the only thing I could say in response was “Forgive me...” God will forgive, he answered, picked up the bags and left. I felt devastated, I really didn’t want him and I to break up just like that... The thought that he knew about everything all this time, suffered, suffered and was silent, made me disgusted with myself. I called my lover and told him that I had separated from my husband, that cats were scratching at my soul, that I needed support, but he said that he had no time now. Later, my lover suggested that I leave everything as it is for now, that he is not yet ready to live together and raise a child that is not his own. This not only didn’t shock me, but didn’t even upset me particularly. I realized too late what I had done. I took sick leave from work and cried for two days. Only after breaking up with my husband did I realize how much I love him. I hurried to my mother-in-law, but she didn’t even let me in, she even promised to let me down the stairs next time, since she had broken his son’s heart. His sister also told him to leave him alone. I really repent, I want to fall to my knees again, beg him to forgive me for being an ungrateful fool, but firstly, I don’t even know where he is now, secondly, I can hardly count on forgiveness a second time, and thirdly, I can’t to be sure that if a miracle happens and we are together again, then the everyday routine will bore me and I will not betray him again. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to live, if it weren’t for my daughter, I would have already swallowed the pills. Help!
Psychologist Ellona Vladislavovna Sevumyan answers the question.
Hello, Anastasia.
A happy family life is the daily work of both spouses. We adapt, give in, change in order to make each other’s lives better. This is very difficult, and when one of the spouses also doesn’t love, it becomes almost impossible. There are a lot of things that irritate us about a person we don’t love, and even those little things that we would never notice if we loved. Very often, trying to save the family, we tell our spouse about what doesn’t suit us, but as a rule, they either don’t hear us or don’t want to hear us, and usually this becomes the reason for cheating.
Almost any betrayal occurs due to dissatisfaction, when you do not feel happy with your partner. Therefore, it is not correct to place all the blame on the person who committed the betrayal, both are to blame, but in my opinion, it is much more correct and honest to simply break up. Have courage, don't cheat, and just leave. But this rarely happens, because in these relationships of ours, which do not suit us, there is stability, an understanding of what you will have tomorrow. But a person, just the same, is most frightened by uncertainty, and when we leave, we find ourselves in exactly this situation.
The same thing happened to you, and even a feeling of guilt that gnaws at you from the inside. Of course, you don’t love your husband, so I don’t see any point in returning him, it’s much better to try to start living again, to give him and yourself the opportunity to find happiness. Since you have a child together, of course you need to try to maintain a civilized relationship with your spouse, so as not to cause psychological trauma to the child, because due to a break in the relationship, children suffer the most.
The best thing you can do now is to try to understand why you lived for so many years with an unloved person, how it happened that you married him, why you didn’t dare to leave much earlier.
Well, the most important thing, of course, is your daughter, who with age will copy your behavior and you, as a mother, must give her the right examples so that in the future she does not make your mistakes.
4.6287878787879 Rating 4.63 (66 Votes)
The conversation with my husband lasted 3 hours and 36 minutes after I confessed to him that I was having an affair with another man. Unlike most, I didn’t have any “good” reason for this (although are there such reasons at all? Probably not). I wasn't bored, I didn't feel unloved, I wasn't unhappy.
My inability to explain the reasons for the action turned the conversation into a long and pointless process during which Nick tried to understand why it happened. He looked for a rational explanation and did not find it. It took almost 4 hours to realize that I simply cannot provide a clear answer to the question.
I lost my confidence and tiptoed around my husband.
We spent a week apart. Nick lived with his brother. Then they got back together and decided to leave everything behind and start a new life. And a year after the confession, I sat down in that same living room and wrote a letter. In it, I talked about everything that changed in the marriage because of my infidelity.
1. The sex was terrible. At first, during intimacy, Nick was distant. This did not surprise me - I assumed that it would take time for everything to return to normal. But even when normality returned to life, terrible sex still visited the bedroom. These may have been bad days, but since the root cause of bad sex was cheating, I blamed myself for it every time.
2. I felt obligated to work on the relationship. The betrayal and subsequent confession made me feel like I had to give 200% to justify my wrongdoing.
3. I began to doubt everything, analyzed everything endlessly. When Nick forgave me, I wondered why he did it. When he upset me with something, I thought: “What right do I have to be angry with him after what I did?” I lost confidence in myself and realized that I was tiptoeing around my husband. And this forced him to take responsibility for all decisions regarding the relationship.
4. I constantly wondered if he remembered my betrayal. I used to love the silence that arises in a stable, trusting relationship, when you don’t need to fill any pause with talking, when it’s easy for you to be silent together. But she began to depress me - I constantly remembered what I had done. And if I thought about it so often myself, then perhaps Nick did too?
5. I doubted that my husband had completely forgiven me. I often tried to mentally imagine the situation the other way around. Could I forgive him? Would it be easy for me to do this? Most likely it would be very difficult or impossible. Was he able to forgive me 100%?
6. I felt like I didn't deserve a husband.. As far as I know, he never cheated on me. It made me feel unworthy of the relationship, like I was less than my husband.
7. Family life was divided into “before” and “after”. And when you are the cause of this division, then it is a heavy burden. We ended up getting divorced. Although cheating was not the main reason, it is impossible to say exactly how big a role it played in the breakup.
8. I started to wonder if we should even be together. It’s a very strange feeling when you start asking yourself whether it was worth ending your family life. I never thought I'd get to this point. But nevertheless, this is exactly what my life has come to. Marriage is a partnership between two people, but cheating was a separate, personal choice that made me feel lonely in my relationship with my husband.
Over the course of a year, family life has changed far from for the better. There were many questions, doubts and worries. I still can’t explain why I decided to cheat. But I am sure: nothing good came out of this and could not come out. And I will never do that again.
Cheating on a woman is condemned much more than a similar act on the part of a man.
If you abandon social stereotypes and look at the situation from a different angle, then behind the phrase “what to do - I cheated on my husband” you can see a lot of painful depth that arose before the fact of infidelity arose. Read the article on how to experience a strange feeling and what to do next.
What should I do? I cheated on my husband?
Until you rethink betrayal, do nothing. With her confessions, a woman at the peak of emotions can destroy a marriage. And you shouldn’t leave, because with any betrayal, two people bear responsibility - the wife for the action, and the husband for the reasons. The problem is not with the woman (most often), but with the fact that family life has stopped developing.
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The first unpleasant emotion a woman experiences if she has cheated is a feeling of betrayal, that family life will not be the same, if it exists at all.
Take a time out and do not rush to confess to your spouse, girlfriend or mother, otherwise reproaches, accusations and manipulation based on feelings of guilt cannot be avoided. A woman must understand the causes of the problem, understand what destroyed the idyll.
Why do we cheat - reasons for cheating
Hundreds of different women on forums ask psychologists questions about their infidelity, which boils down to a typical form: “What should I do if I cheated on my husband, how to return his love.”
The answer depends on the reasons, which are useful to know not only for “harlots”, but also for men, in order to understand the behavior and accept their part of the responsibility.
1. Underestimated attractiveness or its complete disregard: if a man has stopped looking at his wife as a woman, and sees in her only a “mommy” who feeds, clothes and chokes on the feat of going to the supermarket. He should not take the position of a child. Sometimes she herself provokes such behavior with her overprotectiveness, and there are cases when he simply has not psychologically matured to a relationship at the level of a mature man and woman.
2. The family is going through a crisis. The husband becomes distant, and the wife begins to look for compensatory relationships. This situation is the result of the inability to share experiences, open up, take steps towards each other, and form “I-statements” without claims.
3. Cheating as a way to bring emotions into the quagmire of marital life. There is no entertainment, positive emotions, quality leisure time and, most importantly, the development of relationships. A woman subconsciously drives a marriage into crisis in order to revive it and awaken her husband from his lethargic sleep.
4. Treason as revenge on a man for his adultery. “Why am I worse?” or “I will take revenge on you” - such thoughts come to wives who have caught their other halves in a treacherous relationship. They want to hurt their spouse, to make them feel the same jealousy, but it turns out that now it has become worse, that the problem has not disappeared, but has worsened.
5. A trivial case: often the cause of infidelity is the woman’s alcoholic intoxication, during which an attentive man appears with the confident behavior of a male. In such a situation, it is impossible to think soberly and understand the consequences.
I cheated on my husband, how can I move on?
Cheating on her husband brings a lot of confusion to a woman’s soul: how to live on, who to listen to for advice - a psychologist, mother or friend? Definitely a specialist, because he is not involved in the situation, knows a lot about the causes and consequences, understands the woman, and does not make her guilty.
First, your husband does not need to know about this if you did not previously intend to take decisive steps towards a divorce.
The second is to speak out, but better anonymously. For this there are forums, random fellow travelers and specialists in the field of family psychology.
Third, forgive yourself: every person has the right to make a mistake. You need to forgive not only someone, but also yourself. Moreover, if this was just one case, you continue to love your man - you should not hurt the man you love.
I cheated on my husband and he found out what to do?
“I cheated on my husband, he found out, I don’t want to lose him” - is this situation familiar? If a man finds out about cheating, give him time to experience the pain. The fact that now everything will not be the same as before is clear.
Accept your share of responsibility, but share your reasons. This approach helps the husband find the answer to the question “Why?” Express regret about the action and ask not to take sudden steps.
It is possible that after this crisis you will begin to meet each other faster than before. Take into account a man's jealousy, his sense of betrayal and try to restore trust. It may take years...
Cheating on your husband - what to do if your husband cheated
The opposite situation - the man cheated. Basic advice from a psychologist on what to do if your husband cheats”:
1. Don’t do anything that will burn bridges, the main thing is not to change in retaliation for the reason “I can do it too.”
2. Don’t throw hysterics, but show all the pain and pull away.
3. The main thing is to find in yourself the reasons why he started doing this. A woman indirectly provokes a man into betrayal. One of the reasons is male instinct: the lack of sex or its quality provokes many husbands to look for joy on the side.
Plunge into your pain, do not avoid it - this is a loss: the loss of the illusion of eternal fidelity.
Then stop paying attention to your spouse and start doing something for yourself - what you dreamed of: a new hairstyle, fitness, your own business, going to work, a hobby.
When you become interesting to yourself, you automatically begin to interest a man. And not only yours. And this, oh, how it increases self-esteem.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I have been married to my husband for 7 years. A year ago I met a man in an online game, I really liked him and was interesting. We exchanged numbers, talked, but my husband didn’t know anything. Six months later I found out. Gave me a chance. A month later, I started communicating with this man again. I don’t know what came over me, apparently these feelings of being in love had already been forgotten, because I was already in love with this man. My husband and I had a daughter at that time. This man came from another city to see me in reality. I cheated on my husband. We saw the man for 2 days. I realized that it was time to stop all this, otherwise my husband would find out, everything stopped, I got pregnant, gave birth to my second daughter, a month later I decided to write to this man and just ask how he was doing, and we started communicating again. My husband found out about this 3 months later, read the entire correspondence, and there were words of love. Gave a second chance, but continued to correspond secretly. I don't know where my brains were. One day my husband listened to a voice message in messenger that I had cheated on him and left me. Now I am in his apartment until I go to work. My husband left me, calling me the last words. Lives with relatives. I am sitting at home with the children, and I immediately cut off contact with this man. I understand that now it will be very difficult for me, due to the fact that I am alone with 2 children. I regret everything that happened, because my husband loved me very much and did everything for me. We have been living separately for 2 months, problems with alcohol began, and I started drinking at least a hundred grams every day. I fell into depression, I couldn’t think about anything. I labeled myself as a cheater, because of this my parents and my husband’s parents suffer, I feel very sorry for the children, I don’t understand how at that moment I couldn’t think about them. Constant thoughts of suicide. I don’t want to live, my husband has already found a girlfriend, I’m very jealous. I don’t want to live to give my husband the opportunity to improve his life, and not be such a mother for my children. I'm at a dead end on how to move on. And I’m afraid that I won’t find a way out like suicide. Help me please.
Psychologist Alina Vladimirovna Lelyuk answers the question.
Hello Mira!
Unfortunately, we don't always think about the consequences of our actions. And about what action and how it will affect our lives. But what's done is done. And you need to think about how to live further and how to correct or improve your life.
Let's start from the beginning. If you start communicating with another man, it means that you have lost interest in your husband and you really lacked something in the family. When you changed, you seemed to confirm it even more. Only you know what happened in your relationship with your husband, that it was much more pleasant for you to communicate with another man. And this should not be overlooked.
Even after your husband gave you a second and third chance, obviously nothing has changed in your relationship. And you were still sorely lacking something - warmth, flirting, romance, etc. But, obviously, you did not discuss this with your husband and did not look for ways to solve the problems that were brewing in your relationship. And if your husband had not listened to the voice message, then your communication with that man would have lasted for a long time. You would look outside for what the family lacked at home.
I'm not making excuses for you. I'm just suggesting that you are not the only one to blame for what happened in your relationship with your husband. The two of you were unable to properly discuss everything that was happening in your family and find solutions.
What you have made are mistakes. But it's definitely not fatal. And everything can be fixed if you really want it. Cheating can be either the end of a relationship or the beginning of a new, better relationship. Provided that each of you draws conclusions and decides to maintain this relationship.
If you understand and are sure that you really need your husband and you want to get him back, start acting in this direction. First, get yourself in order. Stop drinking. Alcohol is, unfortunately, not a solution at all. Neither for you nor for your children who see you in this state. And for your husband, if you talk to him in this state, it’s also not pleasant. And such behavior definitely does not inspire respect. Think about this very carefully.
The labeling you have put on yourself is not correct. Anyone can stumble. It is important to draw conclusions and not repeat these mistakes again. Therefore, think carefully about what exactly led your family to this situation? What exactly did you miss in your relationship with your husband? Why did you choose to be in a relationship with another man instead of talking to your husband and trying to improve your relationship at home? Why did you decide that it is completely permissible to communicate on the side and cheat? Why didn't you appreciate your husband?
And talk calmly with your husband. Without hysterics, tears, humiliation and insults. Like two adults after mistakes have been made. Talk about how much you blame yourself. That you realize what a huge mistake you made and how much you repent. And if you are given another chance, you will never betray or hurt your husband again. And then let the husband make the decision.
Mira, you have two children. And this is a huge incentive to understand yourself, your life and start all over from scratch. With or without a husband. Rating 5.00 (11 Votes)
Hi all. I'm new here, so if I wrote something wrong, don't blame me. I will be extremely frank because I really need help.... So, I'll start... 6 years ago my husband and I met, from the first day we knew that we would be together. On the very first evening, he invited me to meet... We were deeply in love, I couldn’t look into his eyes enough, he looked into mine and we could sit opposite each other for hours... It seemed to us that we were so identical, that we we think and feel the same thing, we even had similar destinies... I loved him and he loved me... after 1.5 years, our relationship, like many others, reached a dead end, he earned little, I was constantly missing at work Moreover, it also brought in a little money, and he spent all his free time playing on the computer. And to all my attempts to talk to him and take him out somewhere to have fun, I heard refusals, I heard how tired he was, how sick, how he wanted to sleep, how he didn’t want to go anywhere and other needs... I despaired... It seemed to me that that he feels comfortable with me as a mother, I cook, clean, do laundry, bring breakfast to bed, and still have time to work and study, but he doesn’t want to do anything. Resentments were accumulating inside me, and I began to remain silent... One terrible time day I found an outburst of all my emotions, I had another... I was sure that I would part with my future husband without any regret, but when I started a conversation and he left, I realized that I didn’t want him to leave, I didn’t I don’t want anyone else, but at that time I had already been dating a new man for almost 3 months and the relationship was quite serious, with all that it entails. We had a relationship... It turns out that I cheated on him for 3 months and didn’t tell him, and when I tried, I chickened out and fell silent... We broke up with my lover the same evening when I started a conversation with my husband, but about my lover to my husband she never said anything... Half a year later we decided to get married, and so we did. A year later, a daughter was born, everything was great with us, we bought a big apartment, a good car, I got a new job, better paid, everything went like everyone else. In 2014, my little son was born, he is now 3 months old... But my secret would not let me go, I was ashamed that I had betrayed him before marriage. 4 years have passed since then... And 2 months ago I decided to repent to him, I told him everything... But this was not enough for him and he began to search and dig for all the details, and dug everything out, down to the slightest detail... Now he throws mud at me every day for 2 months, endlessly insults me (although in all 6 years he has not said a rude word), and wants to leave, he says that this is the only way out. He says that he doesn’t want to live with a woman who betrayed him and then built a family on this betrayal, he reproaches me for giving birth to his children, he said that everything I have, I don’t deserve it. And I literally beg him to stay, because I can’t see life without him. I never thought that I would have to beg a MAN to stay.... But this is not just a man, this is the father of my children, this is the person with whom I was truly happy. I cry all day long, I don’t see the colors of life anymore, I have 2 children, but I don’t have the strength to take care of them... I’m ashamed, annoyed, terrible at what I did, I torment myself so much about it, but I understand, that it was before marriage, that we had no children, no family. And now everything is collapsing, everything that I built and collected piece by piece. He says that if I cheated once, then I will definitely cheat in the future, but I was so tormented by remorse and I worried and thought about all this for so long that I am almost sure that I will try to do everything to ensure that this does not happen again.. . What should I do? let go and live with two children and, looking at them, feel remorse that I destroyed my family with my own hands, even when they were not even in the plans? Or try to stop your husband? But what words should I say to him if he doesn’t perceive anything?? I really repent and love my husband very much, this is bad, terribly bad, but nothing can be changed...
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