Very vulgar stories. Another funny but vulgar story from the life of an ordinary person

“I would have lit it up like that with that blonde,” said Lyosha

What the moron?! They're both blondes, which one? - Misha said indignantly

Yes with anyone!

And I liked the curly one better, well, the one that is Lesya, cool chick

Let's agree to meet with them again? - suggested Tyoma

Let's! - Misha agreed

Suddenly Tomka’s cell phone rang loudly, we ran behind the house so that they wouldn’t know that we were eavesdropping.

Hello - Toma said in a whisper - Tomorrow? Yes, we can! At nine? Okay, agreed, let's go, bye!

What did they say? - I asked

They invited us to go for a walk tomorrow!

The next day, putting on high-heeled shoes and short skirts, we went to the boys and had a fun evening. Looking at Misha, I felt something strange, I had a whole bunch of guys. I changed them like gloves, but I didn’t feel anything for any of them like I did for Misha. The boys treated us to pills, after trying them, it was like a light bulb exploded in my head and everything became so bright and rainbow

So how? - Misha asked

Super! - I answered - Give me more!

Misha gave me more

The next day he called and said that he wanted to date me, I agreed. All week he behaved like a true gentleman, looked after her beautifully, and gave flowers. Once, when we were returning from Kano, a guy on a moped rushed past us and splashed me from a puddle, I stood all wet and dirty

Damn! - Misha said with regret - Let's go to my place, you can wash your things there!

And we went to Misha’s house, he threw my things into the car and gave me his used T-shirt. We sat on his sofa, swallowed pills that made everything look rosy, and kissed, kissed for a long time, then he threw me on the sofa and took off his T-shirt, I understood where everything was leaning

Misha, Misha, wait! - I tried to stop him

Don't be afraid! - he smiled - I have rubber bands!

That's not the point! You just understand, I’ve never had this before!

Misha couldn’t even say anything at first

So what are you, virgin or what?! - he shouted

Well, yes! - I answered embarrassedly

So why did I waste my time on you!

Misha, does it really matter whether you are my first or not?

It has! I don’t need any extra problems! I already deflowered one chick, so she started crying, and all these tears, drool... and then she told her mom. Mom also came to find out... in short, I then decided, no more virgins!

Misha, well, I’m not going to tell my mom anything!

Well, damn it, this is me, what happens, in vain the steward gave Kolyan for splashing you...

What?! - I didn’t understand him - Did you set it all up?!

What did you think! What should I have told you to your face Lesya, come and fuck me! I don’t understand at all, if you’re a virgin, why the hell are you acting as if all the men in the city have taken you away?!

I just have that kind of character! - I answered

And Tom, is she also a virgin? - he asked

No, Toma is no longer a virgin!

Great! I liked Tomka too, you of course more, but who knew that girls like you might not be tough...

Give me some pants! - I interrupted him - I’ll bring it to you tomorrow!

Misha gave me his jeans. I put them on and ran home. I cried non-stop for several days, but I love him, and I’m ready to do anything with him! I have already been offered to do THIS so many times, but only with him am I truly ready for THIS. A month passed, I still didn’t fulfill my promise and didn’t give Misha the clothes, and an interesting situation happened with my clothes, which I left in his typewriter... two days after this all happened, someone rang the doorbell of my apartment, I opened it, but there was no one behind it, but on the threshold there was a bag with my clothes. And so, a month later, I was sitting in my room, my mother and my father were talking about something in the kitchen, I rarely listen to their conversations, well, by chance my ear came across my father’s voice, or rather, what this voice was saying

By the way, can you imagine, Kravtsov’s youngest daughter got pregnant! - he told his mother

Tamara?! - she was surprised - She and Olesya study in the same class! Horrible! And from whom?!

I have no idea, he won’t tell!

I jumped out of bed, got dressed and ran to Tomka. All the way to her I thought why she didn’t tell me anything, since we shared everything with her since childhood. I still remember when we were 9 years old, she and I locked ourselves in my room and I taught her how to kiss because... She didn’t know how to do it herself, but she really wanted to try.

Hello Tom! - I said entering the threshold of her room

Hello! - she answered dryly, in Lately she spoke to me in such a dry tone, I couldn’t understand the reason

Tom, I want to say...that I know everything!

Is it true? - Tom screamed, tears flowing down her cheeks - Lesya, forgive me, please forgive me!

For what? - I didn’t understand her

Well, for everything...for Misha...

What about Misha? - I didn’t understand her

How? You said that you know everything!

I know that you are pregnant!

Lesya, but you don’t know the main thing, from whom

It seems I’m starting to guess from whom... - with these words I left Toma. Toma had an abortion, after the abortion she came to me

Lesya, I want to change! - she said - I want everything to be different!

Tom, you’re right, it’s not healthy to live like that! - I found a pack of “next” cigarettes in my hiding place and flushed it down the toilet. From that day on, everything became different, I understand what a bastard this Misha was, but I still can’t cool down towards him, and Toma still can’t forget the stress that she had to endure during the abortion.

I'm 22 years old, job, girlfriend, appearance, everything is fine. One evening I was taking a shower in the bathroom. Suddenly I felt a grinding and rustling sound under my feet, looked at my feet and almost fainted - a huge gray RAT fell into the bathtub! As it turned out, there was a hole in the floor under the bathroom, and I live on the 1st floor, and this creature crawled in from the basement. I started flying out of the bathtub screaming, tore off the curtain with a stick and flew headfirst into the floor, traumatic brain injury, loss of consciousness. I woke up in the hospital and my parents took me there. In the end I have psychological disorders, constant headaches, nightmares, because of which I don’t get enough sleep, a phobia of rats, I’m scared to go into the bathroom, not to mention washing in the shower and... impotence... I’m going crazy, kill me! (((

got a job. Before the first day of work, I decided to quickly go throw out the trash, tripped on the stairs, fell and hit my head on the concrete steps. I lay on the stairs for about an hour until my neighbors found me and called an ambulance. hospital, concussion, everything. I lay there practically unconscious for a couple of days, I was able to call work only after 3 days, and they said that I had already been fired since I didn’t show up when I was supposed to. I haven’t paid my rent for several months, at first there was no work, now I had to give my last money to the doctors. The landlady kicks you out - either pay for 4 months at once, or move out. I have nowhere to go, my parents are in another city, and already retired, and cannot help financially. Asking friends is inconvenient and pointless, even if they help, they will only lend money, and it is unknown when they will be able to give it back. I’m still looking for a job, if I don’t find one by the end of the month I’ll have to be homeless.

My wife gave birth yesterday. Boy. Healthy. 3700 grams, 56 cm. NEGRO.

I would believe in the miracles of genetics if my wife’s work, where she constantly “stayed”, was not a two-minute walk from the RUDN University dorm.

I was returning home in the evening from a friend’s birthday. I called young man to meet you (walk past the construction site, it’s dark and scary there). He said he was watching a movie and refused to go. When I was walking through a vacant lot near a construction site, a drunk man attacked me, took my bag and almost raped me. I don’t remember how I fought back.
I came home, dirty, crying, and couldn’t speak coherently out of fear. The young man said that since I got so drunk that I was covered in mud and lost my bag, I could go where I came from and kicked me out of the house. Spent the night at the police station, where I wrote a statement. Thanks to the cops - they gave me hot tea and tried to calm me down.
Now my m.ch. I don’t believe that I was attacked and I was at the police station. I decided that I had a lover. Changed the locks in the apartment, won't give things back. I actually ended up on the street.
Please shoot me, I don't know what to do

I had three joys in life: my job, my woman and my friend. Today I was fired, I came home early and found my woman and a friend in our bed.

Two years ago: a man, an adult, wrote to me on a dating site. One day we got to talking, and he suggested that he could “buy” my virginity. I was 17 then, I was disappointed in yet another idiot and thought: “why not?” We met, slept with each other, and I received a rather large amount of money. He tried to meet again, but I was disgusted to even see his name on the phone display and I ignored him.

Now: I’ve been dating an amazing boy for 4 months - smart, handsome, in love with me, financially secure. It came to meeting the parents. His dad is the guy I slept with then. Damn, I wish I had slept with you, I also took the money! We sat at the table, and his dad stared blankly at me. Damn, how ashamed I was... I haven’t answered this boy’s calls for two days now, because I’m scared to look him in the eye - what if dad told him everything?

My mother is a prostitute. I love her and over the years I have learned to accept her choices. That’s just how life turned out, and then she just got caught up. Everything was fine at school and college. But when I went to work at the plant, it turned out that many people knew my mother “closely” - here Small town. I would endure the giggles and sidelong glances of women, but men pester me. I look like my mother (almost a copy), but I’m not like that! I specifically don’t wear skirts, tight clothes, heels, don’t wear makeup, and behave very modestly and quietly. But no - every second person makes hints that “he doesn’t mind”, and not only hints - dragging him into the back room to cuddle - this is no longer surprising. I fought back, tried to explain calmly, cursed, threatened that I would tell my wives. I always hear in response “the apple never falls far from the tree” and “what are you worth, you’re almost like a mother.” There is no money to move to another place.

I'm 20 years old, I earn 30 thousand a month on paper, I get best case scenario 24, of which at least 15-20 are taken by my parents for my accommodation, I work 6 days a week + I earn extra money as a freelancer, the income is not big but at least something, if my parents find out 70% are rented, I don’t eat at home, I only sleep and shower. I pay for the Internet from my own money (unlimited 1000 rubles per month). When my parents are not in Moscow (this often happens), I pay for my grandmother’s medications myself. Institute (40 per year) - herself. I cook and keep the apartment in order.
The question is, why, if I’m already on the verge of hysteria, clinging to the last thousand in my wallet, they tell me that I’m an ungrateful creature and won’t buy my parents a piece of bread in their old age? Why ask if I have a personal life when they themselves see that under such a slave regime I have no time?!
With my money they have already traveled abroad 4 times, and on my 2-week vacation (OVER THE WHOLE year) I am sitting in smoky Moscow

work in foreign company. 2 weeks ago Something moved in with us. Called by the name of an unknown gender. For a week the whole department wondered what gender it was. he looks about 20 years old and it’s unclear whether he’s a feminine guy or a rude girl. walks in sneakers and has studs in his ears. emo hairstyle.
At a corporate party, under the influence of cocktails, a “brilliant” and “logical” idea came to my mind. kiss it and thus find out. Kissed me. Now I don't know what orientation it is. and on top of everything, now it constantly looks at me and makes eyes, yesterday it dragged a flower in a pot. I am terrified. The employees look askance. how scary it is to live.

My fiancee found in my mail a correspondence with some girls, which was conducted not by me but by my friend, when they were drinking at my house... But she doesn’t believe it. Idiot situation.

My girlfriend is 18 years old, she dances, I’m 19 (I’ve been boxing since I was 8 years old), everything is fine with us, but I feel that something is missing in our
relationships.
We decided to have hard sex..
We turned on a video with hard porn on VKontakte, everything started as usual..
Kisses, took off her clothes, she took off me...
I’ve been puffing at her for several minutes and suddenly (!) She asks me to hit her, and harder!!
But I refused.. which was followed by a C grade in my ****..
My reflex, which I had developed over the years, kicked in...
He's in the hospital with a broken jaw and a concussion.
Her parents forbade her to communicate with me, they decided that I was dangerous to society.

I am a boy. A month ago, I shaved my legs on a dare. Now hair doesn't grow there! AT ALL!! My friends don’t believe it and think that I liked shaving... and laugh, like I’ll soon pluck my eyebrows and...!
Nooo, it's too early to shoot. I play KVN at the university and there is my crown number, where I go out in women's dress with scary HAIRY legs. That's the joke. And now I’m being kicked out of the team - either stop shaving or get lost.
Shoot, I can’t live without furry male brutal legs.

In a rest home, one nondescript man pestered a luxurious lady for a long time about having an intimate relationship. She only mocked him, saying that you have your talents... Then the man bet with her that he could fuck her twenty times in a row. The only condition is that everything must happen in complete darkness and after each time he must go and wash himself. The bet was a car, and the woman agreed. Night fell, and the man got down to business... Once, twice, three times... after the seventeenth time, the woman could not stand it and begged:
- All! I lost! I can’t take it anymore, turn on the light!
The light came on, and she saw in front of her a completely unfamiliar, hefty man.
- Who are you!? - she screamed. - What are you doing here? Where is that little, ugly one?
- Oh, this is probably that entertainer? So he sells tickets at the entrance... Once we were sitting at a lecture, and one girl came in a knitted
sweater, which, with a very large approximation, resembled
on a dress. Well, naturally the male half has no time
lecturer... This continues throughout almost the entire
couples, while the girl is loud and loud (and not fake)
shouts to the entire audience:
- Oh, I forgot to put on a skirt!
This is where the hysteria begins. Lecturer (he's also a man)
was forced to stop the pair 15 minutes before the end (of the pair)...

D'ARTAGNAN
My friend Andrei has been filming the series for six months now, but yesterday and today he disrupted people’s filming. Got sick. The doctor said that there would be no talk of any filming for another three or four days.
Well, they’ll wait, they won’t go anywhere.
Andrey, although a couple of years younger than me, has recently begun to actively turn gray and worry greatly about this, as a result - a pronounced midlife crisis, and the crisis must be dealt with somehow.
Andrey’s way of fighting is simple: with what more women he will “earth” in a unit of time, the stronger his aging male bunker will be.
Andryukha went into all sorts of troubles: today one, tomorrow another, plus yesterday’s one, plus an acquaintance with the fourth - the potential day after tomorrow...
He himself is already sick of this loading and unloading logistics, but what to do? “Grey hair in the beard - don’t say it’s not hefty.”
Fortunately, at least many people recognize him, otherwise he looks like a maniac - a computer geek who lives with his mother and cooks stew out of people... (at least he didn’t read this...)
“But even D’Artagnan gets screwed up...”
Yesterday, our Andrey ran to visit a languid forty-year-old beauty: condoms in his hands, and expensive champagne in his trouser pocket (maybe vice versa, I personally don’t know how this happens, I’m married...) Light frost, mood pre-launch, and at the entrance there are two awesome girls - about 18 years old, but from those who have a huge gap with tenth graders...
Andrei included a face in which he could be more easily recognized and was recognized.
I met, especially Alla, treated her to cigarettes, gave her a lighter,
I wrote down Allin’s phone number and entered the entrance, it’s a pity that it’s not an hour and a half, otherwise I would have chatted with the girls.
That day Andrey had Ideal husband, well, that is, the husband of that sultry woman, was ideal for Andrei, because he worked as a bus driver that goes all the way to Rostov.
Well, isn't it ideal?
He rang the doorbell, a sultry beauty opened it, and Andrei theatrically wailed from the threshold:
- My God, what a beauty, I missed you so much, forgive the asshole, I couldn’t do it yesterday!!!
Everything happened suddenly. Suddenly a bass sound came from the bathroom:
- What the hell is this!!!? Who is this there!!!?
Suddenly some basins rattled and the bathroom door opened. The bass roar became much closer to the corridor and louder.
Andrey did not wait for them to meet eyes like a cowboy and a sheriff, but rushed down the stairs.
The husband, wearing only a towel, also rushed in pursuit, his gap from the leader was getting smaller and there was no more than two flights.
Andrei understood that if his husband broke out of the entrance into the operational space, then he would not be able to escape from him.
It was necessary to confuse the trail like a bunny and outwit the fox.
Andrey jumped out of the door onto the street, came across Alla, who had come to her senses and quickly spoke: Alla, help me out, it’s a matter of life and death!
With these words, he hugged her and began to kiss her ass... Just like
D'Artagnan beauty Kat.
At that same second, a Cardinal guard jumped out of the iron doors of the entrance
- husband, but without a towel.
Andrei continued to kiss the girl; he knew that the naked bus driver did not have time to see him during the chase.
All that remained was to say as calmly as possible: “If you are after a man, then he ran behind the house...”
But suddenly Alla pushed away from Andrey and the last thing my friend heard before turning off the lights in his body were the girl’s words:
- Dad, I see this man for the first time in my life!!!

There was a problem with the jaw, it came off its hinges, and it also hit the nose, but it would seem that it was just one blow.
It’s good that dad was naked, cold and dragged his daughter into the entrance without fully figuring out what was what, otherwise it would have meant a second blow no worse than the first...
Well, thank God, everything worked out, so another three, four days and we can
shoot further.

She was trembling with excitement, tension appeared on her face, swollen,
lust, a bitten lip and beads of sweat testified to passion,
boiling somewhere under clothes. She grabbed him with both hands, strong
the fingers found that one and only position. He lay elastically in her palm,
arching and trembling. She caught the right moment and started moving,
speeding up and adapting to his rhythm, but not allowing him to slip out of
hands, controlling and confidently directing his intentions. With every moment
As the climax approached, her face became more and more determined: “Yes, yes,
Well, again, again..." And at that one, right moment, she managed
cope with it - with a confident movement, directing it to the intended
his place. He, overwhelmed strong hands, securely fixed and,
elastically succumbing, he took over her flying, arching body. Both
froze for a split second highest point trajectories of their joint
flight. And she, having used it, having received everything she could take, let go
him, still tense, not completely finished his movement, but
no longer needed, useless, becoming a burden. And, feeling your
freedom, he straightened up, giving himself to her without reserve, humbly accepted
loneliness suddenly fell upon him, and fell, slowly, but
inevitably.
She, still remaining under his influence, continued to move, but already
having relaxed, having relieved the monstrous tension of foreplay and just
the end of intercourse with him. In this state her body took the bed, and
everything in her spoke of the greatest pleasure from what had happened.
The women's pole vault record has been broken.

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