Strongly vulgar stories. Another funny but vulgar story from the life of a layman

I would have lit it with that blonde - said Lesha

What a moron ?! They are both blondes, which one? - Misha said indignantly

Yes, with anyone!

And I liked the curly one more, well, the one that Lesya, cool chick

Shall we meet with them again? - suggested Tyoma

Let's! - Misha agreed

Suddenly Tomka's mobile phone rang loudly, we ran away behind the house so that they would not know that we were eavesdropping

Hello - Tom said in a whisper - Tomorrow? Yes, we can! At nine? Okay, agreed, come on, bye!

What did they say? - I asked

They invited us for a walk tomorrow!

The next day, putting on high-heeled shoes and short skirts, we went to the boys, we had a fun evening. Looking at Misha, I felt something strange, I had a whole bunch of guys. I changed them like gloves, but I didn’t feel anything like for Misha for any of them. The boys treated us to pills, having tried them like a light bulb in my head exploded and everything became so bright, iridescent

How is it? - Misha asked

Super! - I answered - Give it more!

Misha gave me more

The next day he called and said that he wanted to meet with me, I agreed. All week he behaved like a true gentleman, courted beautifully, gave flowers. Once, when we were returning from the cano, a guy on a moped rushed past us and sprayed me from a puddle, I was all wet and dirty

Damn! - Misha said with regret - Come to me, you wash things there!

And we went to Misha's house, he threw my things into the car and gave me his own T-shirt. We sat on his couch, swallowing pills from which everything becomes iridescent, and kissed, kissed for a long time, then he threw me on the couch and took off his T-shirt, I understood what everything was leaning towards

Misha, Misha, wait! - I tried to stop him

Do not be afraid! - he smiled - I have rubber bands!

Yes, that's not the point! You just understand, I've never had it before!

Misha couldn't even say anything at first

So what are you, virgin or what ?! he shouted

Well, yes! - I answered embarrassedly

So what am I wasting time on you!

Misha, but does it really matter whether I have you first or not?

It has! I don’t need extra problems! I already somehow deprived one chick of her virginity, so she lets cry, and all these tears, drooling ... then I told my mother too. even the mother came to understand ... in short, I then decided, no more virgins!

Misha, well, I'm not going to tell mom anything!

Here, damn it, this is what I get, in vain the steward gave Kolyan for sprinkling you ...

What?! - I did not understand him - You set it all up ?!

What do you think! What should I have told you in your face Les, come to me to fuck! I don’t understand at all, if you’re a virgin, so why the hell are you behaving as if all the men in town got you?

It's just that I have such a character! - I answered

And Toma, is she a virgin too? - he asked

No, Toma is no longer a virgin!

Fine! I also liked Tomka, of course you are more, but who knew that girls like you might not be punched ...

Give me some pants! - I interrupted him - I'll bring you tomorrow!

Misha gave me his jeans. I put them on and ran home. I cried for several days incessantly, but I love him, and I'm ready for anything with him! So many times I have already been offered to do THIS, but only with him I am truly ready for THIS. A month passed, I still did not fulfill my promise and did not give the clothes to Misha, and an interesting situation happened with my clothes, which I left in his typewriter ... two days after all this happened, someone rang the doorbell of my apartment, I opened it, but there was no one behind it, but there was a bag with my clothes on the threshold. And now, a month later, I was sitting in my room, my mother and my stepfather were talking about something in the kitchen, I rarely listen to their conversations, well, by chance my ear came across the voice of my stepfather, or rather, what this voice says

By the way, can you imagine, Kravtsov's youngest daughter flew in! - he told mom

Tamara ?! - she was surprised - She is studying with Olesya in the same class! Horrible! And from whom ?!

I have no idea, does not tell!

I jumped out of bed, got dressed and ran to Tomka. All the way to her I wondered why she didn’t tell me anything, but we shared everything with her since childhood. I still remember when we were 9 years old, we locked ourselves in my room and I taught her to kiss because she herself did not know how but really wanted to try

Hi, Tom! - I said entering the threshold of her room

Hey! - she answered dryly, in recent times she spoke to me in such a dry tone that I could not understand the reason

Tom, I want to say ... that I know everything!

Truth? - Tom screamed, tears flowed down her cheeks - Lesya, forgive, please, forgive!

For what? - I didn't understand her

Well, for everything ... for Misha ...

And what about Misha? - I did not understand her

How? You said that you know everything!

I know that you are pregnant!

Lesya, but you don't know the main thing, from whom

It seems I'm starting to guess from whom ... - with these words I left Toma. Toma had an abortion, after the abortion she came to me

Lesya, I want to change! - she said - I want everything to be different!

Toma, you're right, it's not a good thing to live like that! - I found a pack of "next" cigarettes in my cache and flushed it down the toilet. Since that day, everything has changed, I understand what a bastard this Misha was, but I still cannot cool down to him, and Tom still cannot forget the stress that she had to endure during the abortion.

I am 22 years old, work, girl, appearance is all right. One evening I was washing in the bathroom under the shower. Suddenly I felt a grinding and rustling under my feet, looked at my feet and almost fainted - a hefty gray RAT fell into the bathtub! As it turned out, there was a hole in the floor under the bathroom, and I live on the 1st floor, and this creature climbed out of the basement. With screams I began to fly out of the bath, tore off the curtain with a stick and flew headlong to the floor, traumatic brain injury, loss of consciousness. I woke up in the hospital, my parents were taken away. As a result, I have psychological disorders, constant headaches, nightmares, because of which I do not get enough sleep, a phobia for rats, it is scary to go into the bathroom, not to mention washing in the shower and ... impotence ... I'm going crazy, kill! (((

got a job. before the first working day, I decided to quickly go to throw out the garbage, stumbled on the stairs, fell and kissed her head on the concrete steps. lay on the stairs for about an hour until the neighbors found, called an ambulance. hospital, concussion, everything. I lay there for a couple of days almost unconscious, I managed to call to work only after 3 days, and there they said that I had already been fired, since I did not appear when I had to. I hadn’t paid the rent for several months, at first there was no work, now the last money had to be given to the doctors. the hostess kicks out - either pay for 4 months at once, or move out. I have no place to go, my parents are in another city, and already retired, they cannot help financially. it is inconvenient and pointless to ask friends, even if they help, it’s only on loan, and it’s not known when to give it back. while looking for a job, if by the end of the month I don't have to be homeless.

Yesterday my wife gave birth. Boy. Healthy. 3700 grams, 56 cm.

I would have believed in the miracles of genetics if my wife's work, where she was constantly "stuck", was not two minutes away from the RUDN hostel.

I was returning home in the evening from the birthday of a friend. young man to meet (walk past the construction site, it's dark and scary). He said he was watching a movie and refused to go. When I was walking through a vacant lot near a construction site, a drunk man attacked me, took my bag and almost raped me. I don't remember how I fought back.
I came home, dirty, crying, couldn't speak coherently out of fear. The young man said that since I got so drunk that I got smeared all over with mud and lost my bag, I can go where I came from and kicked me out of the house. I spent the night at the police station, where I was writing a statement. Thanks to the cops - they gave me hot tea and tried to calm me down.
Now my m.ch. does not believe that I was attacked and I was in the police. decided that I have a lover. I changed the locks in the apartment, does not give things away. I actually ended up on the street.
Shoot me please, I don't know what to do

I had three joys in life: my job, my woman and my friend. Today I got fired, I came home early and found my woman with a friend in our bed.

Two years ago: a man, an adult, wrote to me on a dating site. Somehow we got into a conversation, and he offered to "buy" my virginity. I was 17 then, I was disappointed in another idiot and thought: "why not?" We met, slept, I received a rather big amount of money. He tried to meet again, but I was disgusted to even see his name on the phone display and I ignored him.

Now: 4 months I have been dating an amazing boy - smart, cute, in love with me, financially secure. It came to getting to know the parents. His dad is the guy I slept with then. Damn, it’s okay to sleep, I also took the money! We sat at the table, and his dad stared blankly at me. Bliiiin, how ashamed I was ... It's the second day I don't answer this boy's calls, because I'm scared to look into his eyes - what if dad told him everything?

My mom is a prostitute. I love her and have learned over the years to accept her choices. This is how life turned out, and then it just got involved. Everything was fine at school and at the institute. But when I went to work at the plant, it turned out that many people know my mother "closely" - we have small city... I would endure the laughter and sidelong glances of women, but the men stick to me. I look like a mother (almost a copy), but I am not! I deliberately do not wear skirts, tight things, heels, I do not use makeup, I behave very modestly and quietly. But no - every second person makes hints that "he is not against", and not only hints - to drag him into the back room to cuddle - this is no longer surprising. I fight back, tried to explain calmly, cursed, threatened that I would tell my wives. I always hear in response "the apple does not fall far from the apple tree" and "what does it cost you, you are almost like a mother." There is no money to move to another place.

I am 20 years old, I earn 30 thousand a month on a piece of paper, I get in best case 24, of which at least 15-20 are taken by my parents for my accommodation, I work 6 days a week + I work as a freelancer, the income is not big, but at least something, if parents find out 70% of them are renting, I don't eat at home, I just sleep and take a shower. I pay for the Internet using my own money (unlimited 1000r per month). When my parents are not in Moscow (this often happens) I pay for my grandmother's medicines myself. Institute (40 per year) - itself. I'm cooking, I'm keeping my apartment in order.
The question is, why, if I'm already on the verge of hysteria, cling to the last thousand in my wallet, they tell me that I'm an ungrateful creature and won't buy a piece of bread for my parents in old age? Why ask if I have a personal life when they themselves see that with such a slave regime I have no time ?!
With my money, they have already hit the road 4 times abroad, and on my 2-week vacation (FOR THE WHOLE year) I am sitting in smoky Moscow

work in foreign company... 2 weeks ago Something settled for us. They are called by the name of an incomprehensible gender. For a week the whole department was thinking what gender it was. looking 20 years old and it is not clear whether a feminine guy or a rude girl. walks in sneakers, in the ears of the carnation. hairstyle emo.
At a corporate party, under the influence of cocktails, an "ingenious" and "logical" idea came to my mind. kiss It and find out that way. She kissed. Now I don't know what orientation it is. and on top of that, now it is constantly looking at me and making eyes, yesterday it dragged a flower in a pot. I am terrified. The employees look sideways. how scary to live.

My fiancee found on my mail a correspondence with some girls, which was not led by me but my friend, when they were drinking at my house ... But she does not believe. An idiotic situation.

My girlfriend is 18 years old, She is engaged in dancing, I am 19 (I have been boxing since 8 years old) we are doing well, but I feel that something is missing in our
relationship.
We decided to have hard sex ..
We turned on a video with hard porn in contact, everything started as usual ..
Kisses, took off her clothes, she off me ..
I've been puffing over her for several minutes and suddenly (!) She asks to hit her, but harder !!
But I refused .. which was followed by a C in my e * lo ..
My reflex worked out over the years.
She is in the hospital with a broken jaw and a concussion.
Her parents forbade to communicate with me, they decided that I was dangerous to society.

I am a boy. A month ago, I shaved my legs for a bet. Now there is no hair growing there! AT ALL!! Friends do not believe in this and think that they liked shaving .. and laugh, like I will soon pluck my eyebrows and ...!
Noooo, it's too early to shoot. I play in KVN at the university and there is my crown number, where I go to women dress with terrible HAIRY legs. This is the trick. And now I'm being kicked out of the team - either stop shaving or get out.
Shoot, I can't live without shaggy male brutal legs.

In a rest house, one nondescript peasant for a long time pestered a luxurious lady for an intimate relationship. She only mocked him, they say, with your talents ... Then the little man argued with her that he would be able to fuck her twenty times in a row. The only condition is that everything must take place in complete darkness and after each time he must go to wash. The car was at stake, and the woman agreed. Night fell, and the man got down to business ... Once, twice, three times ... after the seventeenth time, the woman could not stand it and prayed:
- Everything! I lost! Can't take it anymore, turn on the light!
The light came on, and she saw in front of her a completely unfamiliar hefty man.
- Who are you!? she screamed. - What are you doing here? And where is that little, shabby one?
- And, this is probably that entertainer in the crowd? So he sells tickets at the entrance ... Once we were sitting at a lecture, and one girl came in a knitted
sweater, which at a very large approximation resembled
on the dress. Well, of course, the male half is not up to
lecturer ... This continues for almost the entire
couples while the onnaya girl is loudly loud (and not fake)
cries out to the entire audience:
- Oh, I forgot to wear a skirt!
Here hysteria begins. Lecturer (he is also a man)
had to stop pairing 15 minutes before the end (pair) ...

D'ARTANYAN
My friend Andrei has been filming the series for six months, but yesterday and today he disrupted the shooting for people. I got sick. The doctor said that there could be no talk of any shooting for another three or four days.
Well, they will wait, they will not go anywhere.
Although Andrey is a couple of years younger than me, recently he has begun to actively turn gray and worry a lot about this, as a result - a pronounced midlife crisis, and the crisis must be somehow dealt with.
Andrey's way of fighting is simple: how more women he "spud" per unit of time, the stronger his aging male bunker will be.
Andryukha went all out: one today, another tomorrow, plus yesterday's one, plus an acquaintance with the fourth - the potential day after tomorrow ...
He himself is already sausage from this loading and unloading logistics, but what to do? "Gray in the beard - don't say you're not hefty."
Fortunately, although many will recognize him, otherwise he looks like a maniac - a computer technician who lives with his mother and cooks stew out of people ... (even if he didn't read this ...)
"But there is a hole in D'Artanyan too ..."
Yesterday, our Andrey ran to visit one languid forty-year-old beauty: he was holding condoms, and expensive champagne in his pants pocket (maybe the other way around, I personally don't know how it happens, I'm married ...) pre-start, and at the entrance there are two awesome girls - about 18 years old, but of those who already have a huge abyss with tenth-graders ...
Andrei turned on a face in which it was easier to recognize and recognize him.
I met, especially with Alla, gave me cigarettes, gave me a lighter,
Allin wrote down the phone and went into the entrance, it is a pity that it was not rubber for an hour and a half, otherwise he would have chatted with the girls.
That day Andrey had Ideal husband, well, that is, the husband of that sultry woman, was ideal for Andrei, because he worked as a bus driver that reaches all the way to Rostov.
Isn't it ideal?
I rang the doorbell, opened it, a sultry beauty and Andrei from the doorway cried out theatrically:
- My God, what a beauty, I missed you so much, forgive the asshole, yesterday I could not !!!
It all happened suddenly. Suddenly a bass came from the bathtub:
- What the fuck !!!? Who is that there !!!?
Suddenly some basins rattled and the door opened in the bathroom. The bass roar became much closer to the corridor and louder.
Andrei did not wait for their eyes to meet like a cowboy with a sheriff, but rushed down the stairs.
The husband, in one towel, also rushed in pursuit, his lag behind the leader was decreasing and there were no more than two flights.
Andrei understood that if the husband breaks out of the entrance to the operational space, then he will not run away from him.
It was necessary, as a bunny, to confuse the trail and outwit the fox.
Andrey jumped out of the door into the street, bumped into an oyknuvshaya Alla and quickly spoke: Alla, help me out, a matter of life and death!
With these words he hugged her and began to kiss her passionately ... Just how
D'Artagnan beauty Kat.
At the same moment, the Cardinal's guard jumped out of the iron doors of the entrance
- husband, but without a towel.
Andrei continued to kiss the girl, he knew that the naked bus driver did not have time to see him during the chase.
It only remained to say as coolly as possible: "If you are after a peasant, then he ran for the house ..."
But suddenly Alla pushed off from Andrei and the last thing that my friend heard before turning off the light in the body were the girl's words:
- Dad, I see this guy for the first time in my life !!!

The trouble with the jaw, it took off from the hinges, and the nose got, and it would seem, just one blow.
It's good that dad was naked, froze to death and dragged his daughter into the entrance, without fully figuring out what's what, otherwise the second blow would be no worse than the first ...
Well, thank God, everything worked out, so three, four more days and you can
shoot further.

She was trembling with excitement, a tension appeared on her face, swollen, in
a bitten lip and beads of sweat indicated passion,
boiling somewhere under the clothes. She wrapped her arms around him, strong
fingers groped for the only position. He resiliently lay in her palm,
arching and trembling. She caught the right moment and began to move,
speeding up and adjusting to its rhythm, but not letting it slip out of
hands, controlling and confidently directing his intentions. With every moment
the approaching climax, her face became more and more determined: "Yes, yes,
well, one more time ... "And at that one, right moment, she managed
cope with it - with a confident movement directing to the intended
his place. He is overwhelmed strong hands, is securely fixed and,
resiliently succumbing, he took over her flying, arching body. Both
for a fraction of a moment froze in highest point trajectories of their joint
flight. And she, using it, having received everything that she could take, let go
him, still tense, not completely completing his movement, but
no longer necessary, useless, which has become a burden. And feeling my
freedom, he straightened up, giving himself to her without a trace, humbly accepted
loneliness that suddenly fell on him, and fell, slowly, but
inevitable.
She, still remaining under his influence, continued to move, but already
relaxed, letting go of the monstrous tension of foreplay and just
ended intercourse with him. In such a state, her body took the bed, and
everything in her spoke of the greatest pleasure from what had happened.
The women's pole vault record was broken.

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