Forget and forgive: how to cope with your husband’s betrayal. My husband betrayed me. How to deal with resentment

Resentment has stuck like a nail somewhere in the depths of the soul, does not allow you to forget about yourself, and thoughts, as luck would have it, constantly return vicious circle to a traumatic situation. And I feel so sorry for myself, my beloved, and no one can tell me how to forgive an offense when I don’t want to forgive at all. You don’t want to, but you have to, because not forgiving will cost yourself more.

Is it possible to find freedom through forgiveness?

The inability to quickly forget grievances is characteristic of people with low self-esteem, those who do not love themselves enough. Many people have been seething with anger for years at their husband or wife, at their parents or their children, at co-workers and neighbors. Confidence in one’s own rightness seems unshakable; one’s own actions and actions seem to be the only correct ones.

In order to assess your ability to forgive, you need to answer affirmatively or negatively to the following statements:

• Only the weak can forgive.
• They completely ruined my life.
• Their actions are unforgivable.
• I was a child when I was mentally traumatized and hurt.
• Others are wrong, but I am always right.
• I blame my parents (husband, wife) for what happened.
• The guarantee of my safety is refusal to forgive, resentment towards these people.
• I don't know how to overcome resentment.

If you agreed with at least part of these statements, then you know that forgiving is not as easy as it might seem. Without knowing how to learn to forgive insults, it is impossible to truly become happy man. Yes, maybe someone misbehaved with you in the best possible way However, this incident has long been completed and everything is a thing of the past. You should not think that you have recognized the correctness of the action of the person who offended you if you have forgiven your offender - this is a fundamentally wrong belief.

You need to understand the main thing - every time a person acts in the only way possible for himself. This was the maximum for him at that time, he simply could not do otherwise. It's not an easy statement to accept, is it? After all, you would have acted completely differently. However, taking into account his life experience, upbringing, existing knowledge, the current situation, the person who offended you did not have the opportunity to do differently.

There is another important aspect here - someone who can easily offend another has himself had to endure childhood insults and face anger more than once. Psychology family relations claims that domestic tyrants are made from those boys (and sometimes girls) who had to suffer in childhood from their father, or they saw how he offended his mother.

An example could be an authoritarian mother who constantly humiliates her father, and then the girl transfers this model to her family, following her example by offending own husband. Understanding this pattern, it is absolutely not necessary to give up your life to such people. We just need to remember that life could hurt our offenders.

This is what is called “accepting the situation.” This expression is often found in techniques that recommend how to overcome resentment. This way of thinking is the first step to starting a life with clean slate, free yourself from anger at your offenders.

Negative consequences of unforgiven grudges

Knowing how to get rid of feelings of resentment, you can change your attitude towards the world and people. The law of reflection will be true to itself here too - both the world and people will take not one, but several steps towards it. There is a real chance to start life again. In addition, without learning how to cope with resentment, you can cause damage to your body.

No matter what pain and negative emotions people cause, the only thing worse than this can be the harm they inflict on themselves with their own hands. Resentment and anger accumulate in the body like poison, taken a teaspoon daily. It increases its concentration and undermines a person’s strength with its destructive effect. You won’t be able to feel like a healthy and happy person if you don’t know how to survive an insult and keep a negative past in your soul.

Living in a constant state of stress is an unbearable burden for any person. And negative emotions caused by resentment have a destructive effect on the psyche. Under the influence of anger nervous system, constantly suffering from negativity, no longer regulates the functioning of organs and systems so well, hence diseases and immune failure.

Resentment towards parents - analyzing the problem

Psychology claims that our memory is selective - it blocks many unpleasant memories and prevents them from reaching the level of consciousness. This is why our memories of childhood for the most part rosy, and unpleasant incidents are hidden deep in the subconscious. However, even the most wonderful relationships in the present can mask children's grievances against their parents.

The roots of all the problems that a person faces now, and from which he wants to free himself, stretch into the past. Almost everyone somewhere very deeply hides a grudge against their parents that they did not give us enough love, attention, support, a positive assessment of our achievements and actions. Not everyone can immediately admit that they have such a conviction, but many still take offense at their mother and father for the pain they caused.

This belief is not far from the truth - everyone had to experience pain, the memories of which passed into adult life. These childhood grievances against mother and father formed an attitude towards the world as a hostile place where you constantly need to be on guard, where any relationship can turn into betrayal. Our world reflects these thoughts and beliefs like a mirror.

How to get rid of this burden

In order to make life more harmonious, you need to remember the past and those traumatic moments in which you were hurt, mentally pressured, and not understood. Remembering this, try to understand your mother and father and forgive your parents. To understand how to cope with resentment towards your mother or father, you can use one exercise (V. Zhikarentsev’s method).

To do this, you need to take their photographs, and if this is not possible, then imagine the father and mother in the form of an abstract image. Then you need to begin to raise to the surface of consciousness all the thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with them. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself, even if internal dialogue causes pain. When it feels like negative emotions It is enough for one time, the exercise must be stopped and started after some time.

What should you learn during this dialogue? In order to learn how to get rid of resentment towards your mother and father, you need to accept them into your life and forgive them. They did what they could at the time, as their own parents taught them, as reality dictated. They were not motivated by anger, but sincerely thought that it would be better for you, and they did everything possible that they could then.

When thinking about how to forgive an offense, you need to remember that we are them, you look at your mother and father - you look at yourself, if you are offended by your mother - you are offended by yourself. The psychology of conflict compares a person who is unable to let go of such a situation with those who tear something important away from themselves with their own hands. By getting rid of anger at your mother and father, by learning how to let go of resentment, you can take a huge and important step towards yourself.

“Whoever remembers the old is out of sight”

Still, our ancestors were not completely dense; they understood something important about why and how to forget an insult. I agree with them and modern psychology, she believes that thoughts and words have power. Being offended by our mother, husband, or beloved man, we experience many emotions:

• fear
• sadness
• regret
• desire for revenge
• guilt

They are often accompanied by a feeling of anger at the whole world. All these states are a consequence of the reluctance to live not in the past, but in the present. Without knowing how to overcome a grudge, you cannot build a future on such a fragile foundation of past grudges that do not want to let a person go. You need to rely only on the present.

Blaming another person for your feelings is a waste of your power, because the responsibility for your feelings is shifted to someone else. But you won’t blame your husband, mother, wife, or colleague for penetrating your thoughts and forcing you to react to their actions in such a way. This means that when deciding how to get rid of resentment, you need to meaningfully choose your feelings and reaction to the words of another person.

When thinking about how to forgive an offense, you should not be guided by anger. More important than the first go to peace and draw reasonable boundaries that cannot be crossed in relationships. This is the most useful thing you can do in such a situation.

Resentment is something that haunts every person almost every day. All people are constantly offended by someone or offend someone. However, everyone is already so accustomed to considering offense as something everyday that they do not notice the damage it causes to each of the participants. It can have serious consequences in the future, so you should think about how to deal with the resentment. After all, it depends on you how strongly this or that incident will affect your psyche. And if you just can’t overcome the feelings gnawing at you on your own, this article will offer you several ways to deal with resentment. Explore them, choose the ones that suit you best, try them separately or in combinations. After all, it is very important to learn how to cope with resentment. Pretty quickly you will realize that your life is much better without her.

Resentment: how to deal with it

So, in this article you will learn how to deal with resentment. However, to do this, you need to understand what it is and why it manifests itself. Resentment is the feeling a person experiences when someone has said or done something unpleasant to him. However, it has differences from anger and other manifestations of negative emotions. Most often it is hidden, that is, a person feels that he is unpleasant, but does not tell about it to the person who offended him. This is precisely why problems arise. The fact is that grievances tend to accumulate, and even more dangerous property- grow. If someone has offended you, then it is best to resolve the situation as soon as possible, because the more the offense “ripens” inside you, the worse it will be for you. The person who gave you this unpleasant feeling may not even know about it. But at the same time, you have already gone through hundreds of situations in your head and inflated your resentment to unprecedented proportions. Although it could all start with any little thing.

The thing is that resentment is a manifestation of the inner child inside each person. You may be twenty-five or fifty years old, but deep down you still have a part of your childish ego. And because of this, an irrational reaction to a person’s statement or action occurs. Resentment lies inside a person and does not come out. And it can take a serious toll on your mental health. If you accumulate grievances and do not learn to cope with them, this can seriously affect your condition. This is why you need to learn how to deal with resentment. And this article will help you with this.

Talk

The first thing you need to understand if you want to know how to deal with feelings of resentment is that the person who hurt you is not a mind reader. Often he can't know that you didn't like what he said or did. Therefore, first of all, you need to try to suppress your childish ego at least a little in order to make room for rational thinking. How can a person feel guilty if he does not know that he is being blamed? Naturally, he will not come to you because he has no idea that he should do this. Therefore, you should definitely talk to this person. Tell him that you were offended by a specific remark or behavior of his. In most cases this works flawlessly. The person who offended you, if you approach him calmly and not with direct accusations, will also look at the situation from a rational point of view and understand what exactly he did wrong. This the simplest way how to cope with resentment towards a person. However, there are other methods that some may find more convenient or effective. They can also be used when the first method did not work.

Forgiveness

Many women wonder how to cope with resentment towards a man. After all, if you are in a relationship, then, most likely, the first method does not always work - you know each other too well for one of you to remain in the dark about the fact that he offended his partner. This method, which will be described now, is not only suitable for this case - you can use it in any situation in life. Its essence lies in the simplest forgiveness. When you are offended by a person, you mainly harm only yourself, so you should learn to forgive offenses without the participation of the other party. Instead of holding a grudge inside, forgive the person who offended you. Naturally, if he continues to do this further, then other actions will have to be taken, but if this is an isolated case, forgiveness may be the best option. So, if you are wondering how to cope, you should definitely try to simply forgive him, since you must not forget that he is the closest person in the world to you.

Lesson

If you're wondering how to deal with resentment and anger, then you most likely haven't tried to look a little deeper inside yourself. Often, even something positive can be learned from an insult. If you have been wronged, you can ease your suffering by engaging in self-reflection. Think about what caused these strong feelings. Most likely, the person offended you for something that is very relevant to you - what is it? Think about it and try to draw conclusions from it. As you can see, you can take something positive out of any situation that can help you in your future life.

Understanding

When you think about how to deal with bad mood, irritation, resentment, you most often think only about yourself. This is a completely normal trait for a person, but sometimes it is worth looking a little further than your own self. Almost always, an insult is perceived as a personal insult, and rare people they immediately begin to think logically and assume that the problem may not be about them at all. Sometimes someone may offend you by accident because something happened in their family or some important plans for them fell through. And you just fell under the hot hand. Therefore, you should not harbor a grudge, because in a few hours a person may already return to normal and forget about how he told you something, and you will still be offended by him. Try to understand the people around you, as often you will find yourself in their shoes and you will most likely want to be understood, and not immediately judged harshly.

Analysis

This paragraph is a kind of combination of some of the previous ones, since it will ask you to analyze the situation. If you want to learn how to deal with resentment and negative emotions, you need to think soberly and not give in to manifestations intense feelings. Analyze the situation: if you were offended stranger, whom you will most likely never meet again, then you should not think about this offense at all. Forget about it and never remember it so that it does not interfere with your life. If the offense was caused by someone close and this is not the first time, then you will have to use other measures. Just remember that in this situation, your main weapon is a calm conversation, and not harsh accusations.

Expectations

It often happens that resentment arises because a person simply did not live up to your expectations. You implied that he would act in a certain way, since you are friends, colleagues, relatives, etc., but he acted completely differently, and for this you are offended by him. If you soberly look at this situation from the outside, you will understand that it is stupid and irrational. It has already been written above that no one is able to read your thoughts, so you should either make them public or not demand that a person do something that he does not consider necessary. If you think that your friend should have helped you in a particular situation, tell him about it, or just forget and don’t expect him to do something that he didn’t and doesn’t intend to do.

NLP

There is such a technique as neurolinguistic programming, abbreviated as NLP. With its help, the most difficult problems that people have are often solved, and it also allows one to cope with grievances. One of the most bright examples- this is burning a sheet of grievances. You need to write down on a piece of paper all the insults that a person has caused you, throw out all your emotions on paper, and then burn this sheet, imagining how they burn in the fire. This looks quite strange, but in reality it turns out to be extremely effective method. You program yourself for your own happiness, and listing grievances and burning a leaf is just a symbol that allows you to convince yourself as simply as possible that you are the master of your own happiness.

Another option

IN Lately NLP is becoming increasingly popular, so this article will present another method that relates to this technique. You need to write on paper the name of your offender and what exactly he did to you. After this, you need to write that you are for him. Repeat this several dozen times a day until your resentment goes away due to the fact that you program yourself for forgiveness by constant repetition of the action. Naturally, this approach should only be used if you are unable to forgive a person without any outside help.

Letting off steam

Well, another option that will allow you to forget the insult and cheer yourself up is to let off steam. If you have it good, if not, take a pillow or something similar. Well, then everyone understands what needs to be done: imagine that this is your offender, and let off steam on him. Naturally, this approach is recommended for use with strangers or not the closest people, such as, for example, a boss, and not a mother or husband.

Just remembering a situation that happened to a man, which now lies like a heavy burden of resentment on the soul, makes you feel bad. And the harder you try to forget, the more emotions overwhelm you. Feeling resentful towards a man does not allow you to live normally. He has been an ex for a long time, the relationship ended a long time ago... But the resentment towards the man remains with you.

Why do thoughts about the past gnaw so caustically, holding tightly with their tentacles. They're strangling. A lump in the throat, which appears periodically, treacherously takes away the air, and with it the strength.

Today, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan accurately answers the question about the nature of grievances in any of their manifestations.

Why there is resentment against a man is understandable. But you can figure out how to get rid of it in this article. We will not describe the stages of the formation of resentment, this will not give anything. It arises both suddenly and accumulating inside us.

Psychology of resentment towards a man

Resentment is just that: resentment. More precisely, a feeling of resentment and injustice towards you. Anything can happen: betrayed, left a pregnant woman, stole a large amount of money, beat, verbally humiliated. If there is a grudge, there is already a reason to sort it out.

The notorious “forgive and let go” flows like a river from the lips of psychologists, from articles about resentment, from girlfriends, mothers, and friends. They suggest “learning to forgive.” If it were so easy to forgive and let go, no one would have problems associated with resentment. Nobody would be offended by anyone. Everyone would live happily. Alas.

Sometimes they scare us with inevitable psychosomatics and ineffective treatment with pills. Of course, there is a connection with health, but I still want to prevent problems in the future and understand how to cope.

There are tips to make fun of a man, to present your ex-man in an indecent manner. "Apply" a sense of humor to him. Every offended person, most likely, tried to do this. Positive results are doubtful.

How to get rid of feelings of resentment towards a man

The answer is simple and easy to understand. See for yourself.

There are eight vectors, eight mental properties of a person. Each has its own characteristics. First, by understanding and recognizing these characteristic properties, we treat the “offenders” themselves differently. Because we begin to understand that a person, be it a man or a woman, in a given situation behaved in accordance with his inherent properties. I couldn’t do otherwise. The irritation goes away. Touchiness ceases to influence our lives and its manifestations are greatly reduced.

Secondly, if we have an anal vector, it means we have strong memory and in a special way focused on the past. We do not like lies and injustice; we are honest by nature.

Feelings of resentment and guilt are unique to us. Any distortion in the area of ​​“truth-deception” is a knife in our hearts. And until justice comes, we will continue to walk around with resentment and wish harm to the offender. Revenge is the simplest form of leveling out the situation; it is born unconsciously in response to a dishonest act.

And that is not all.

There is a visual vector. The sensitive area is the eyes. They are able to distinguish many shades of color, see and feel more subtly, sensitively and comprehensively. “Any mole will be made into an elephant” - this is what they say about people with a visual vector. The offense is small, but it is seen as the tragedy of a lifetime. Otherwise they cannot see.

What to do? How to deal with the monster that interferes with life.

It’s easy to imagine what a person with anal and visual vectors looks like. Resentments multiplied a hundredfold due to the ability to see problems larger in scale than they actually are.
Moreover, you once had a close, trusting relationship with a man, there was even love. The emotional attachment that remains in your memory, mixed with resentment, does not let you go.

When forced to interact with your ex, it is important to avoid attempts to manipulate feelings of guilt and resentment on your part. And don’t let a man do this to you. It won't lead to anything good.

Feeling only constant annoyance and, perhaps, anger at all men, we are unconsciously afraid of history repeating itself and find all sorts of tricks to avoid the emergence of new relationships. Not on purpose. Simply - fearing a repetition of the pain. And so the resentment presses, and then there is also the fear of repetition of suffering and regret.

Resentment towards a man will not allow you to calmly create new ones. harmonious relationships. You may not even notice how constant resentment towards the man you broke up with will extend to relationships with the opposite sex.

How to overcome resentment? The psychology is this: start using the properties correctly in life, given by nature. Correct - that means for the intended purpose. This will give liberation from a negative state, because there will be no need to keep the past in your head.

We often hear that you need to start with yourself. That's right. Only specific and effective recommendations Few people give. There is only one step left to knowing yourself. Get acquainted with the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. It will give you a full understanding of yourself and others.

Many women have tried life without offense and now feel great. We understand our people former men, and the resentment dissolved. Here's what they say:

“...At the time of the first free lecture, I was “nursing” with a severe resentment towards a man, from time to time it simply overwhelmed me, and the state was terrible, but after the first lecture the resentment went away, the “incomprehensible” actions and words of the man became clear, what motivates him, and even after Yuri’s story, on the very first day I realized that my resentment, as they say, “isn’t worth a damn” in the eyes of that man, because of whom I was... so upset, worried so much... What? So funny! In general, I laughed at myself for a long time, almost the entire first lecture - until the morning!
Next came the second one. Which sealed my achievement. This is such a relief!..”

“...Unfortunate love and terrible emotional dependence on one person brought me to the training in Systemic Vector Psychology. And also depression and a feeling of hopelessness, resentment towards parents and one’s unfortunate lot….
...I got rid of mine love addiction, I realized that that man was not urethral, ​​as I first identified him from the articles, but skin-visual-sound. And that love is fear brought out, and it ends when there is no visual connection with the object of love. And indeed, everything passed. Moreover, I no longer suffered from the fear that I had missed my real destiny, your chance in life. In fact, there are a lot of such chances walking around the planet, it’s enough to choose the right one)))) ... "

“When we are treated poorly, we must not allow that resentment to build up and affect us.”

Robert Enright, Ph.D., is a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness.

We have all at one time or another experienced betrayal or bad treatment from others: a cheating spouse, neglect of a partner, lies from friends, ridicule from elders - the list goes on and on.

All these events hurt us then and the memories of them continue to hurt us to this day.

Our emotions

Each person has their own reaction to the offensive actions of others. Some hope that the situation will resolve itself, some do not react, and some find it difficult to forget it and move on.

The emotions that it evokes in us bad attitude those around us are inherent in our psyche. The reason we have a hard time moving on from a bad attitude is because our brains create memories in direct proportion to our emotional arousal.

It is according to this principle that the brain reacts to negative events, for example, the bad attitude of others or emotional trauma. Therefore, for a very long time we cannot get rid of negative emotions caused by the offensive actions of others, namely anxiety, depression, fear, insomnia, etc.

If you experience any of the above, it is important that you psychological health could handle it. It will take time and effort, but over time, you will feel much better mentally.

The power of forgiveness and why it is sometimes so difficult for us to forgive

Forgiveness may be the only thing that can free us from the pain that others have caused.

Forgiving a person does not mean forgetting or justifying all his bad actions and continuing to live.

To forgive means to make a choice and let go of the desire to punish the offender or yourself.

Forgiveness is our choice. The problem is that even after realizing this, it can be difficult for us to truly forgive the person.

Why is this happening? The fault lies with our emotions, as well as the fact that we tend to justify everything logically. Remember: you are not responsible for the actions of others.

However, you are responsible for your actions, thoughts and emotions.

You yourself are responsible for forgiving and what is important: you are responsible for your own happiness and inner peace.

How can I forgive?

As Dr. Enright explains, we should use a 4-phase model to help us forgive ourselves or others.

Realize that you can forgive

In order to begin our journey towards forgiveness, we need to realize that we can forgive. At a minimum, accept the fact that forgiveness is a valid solution to our problem.

Make a choice to forgive

“A person cannot be forced to forgive. I think it's extremely important for people to make that choice themselves,” says Enright.
As mentioned earlier, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or justifying the actions of the offender. When you realize this, and the positive impact that forgiveness can have on your emotions, you are one step closer to truly forgiving.

Make a list

You will need to make a list of all the people, starting from childhood, who have offended you. After the list is ready, arrange all the people in a certain order: at the beginning of the list will be those who offended you the most, and so on in descending order.

Start at the end of the list, forgive your offenders and gradually move up.

Take your time, sort out your emotions. You will know when you are ready to take the next step.

Don't hold onto your anger

“This step is a kind of survey for you. Answer the following questions: How do you deal with anger? Do you deny that you are angry? Are you actually more angry than you thought? What are the physical consequences of being angry?”
Dr. Enright also emphasizes, “Once you see how rage affects you, the question becomes: Do you want to get rid of it?”

Set yourself a goal

“Once you've completed the first phase and seen how all that anger inside of you is preventing you from being happy, you will set a goal for yourself to forgive the offender,” Enright explains.

Think about your abuser

It is at this stage that our work on forgiveness begins. You will need to take a fresh look at the person who hurt you. Was he in pain? If so, that may be why he hurt you.

Remember that your abuser is a person just like you.

“You were both born into this world, you both will die, you are both flesh and blood and you both have unique DNA. There will never be anyone like you again in the world. Think about it, your abuser may be just as special, unique and irreplaceable as you are,” Enright says.

Soften your heart

Whether intentionally or not, your abuser's actions have, to some extent, made you heartless. By following Dr. Enright's advice, you will begin to feel all that unhealthy anger coming out of you.

Accept your pain

It is natural to feel strong emotions at this moment. You will feel pain, but it is thanks to it that we can move on.
“This pain will help us raise our self-esteem. If you were able to see humanity in someone who did not want to see it in you, you are much stronger than you thought.”

Realize

“We usually understand more about those around us who are suffering. For example, we are more forgiving towards people who are having a bad day. We understand the pain of others and want to radiate goodness ourselves,” explains Enright.

When our pain passes, there comes a certain period of awareness. We realize that we have become stronger and happier.

Repeat the whole process

Remember where we started? After some time, we will need to return to the beginning and go through all the steps again.

You will be able to forgive your offenders faster than you thought and, as a result, become happier and stronger.

Translation of the article - Psychologists Explain How to Truly Forgive Someone And Let Go via Kluber

What happens to us when we feel resentment? To put it bluntly, we are slowing down. We fall into a stupor, stop developing and live our lives in vain. Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.

How they live ordinary people? They suffer, they love, they rejoice, they are sad. Are experiencing different human feelings, characteristic of them from birth.

But not all of these feelings are constructive. For example, there is one among them that greatly spoils life - both for the “feeling” people themselves and for their loved ones. It can be classified as a kind of inability. This is the inability to forgive insults.

Where does this feeling come from? Sometimes it seems that from the moment a person is born. Because from my early childhood he endures not bright happy pictures, but moments of suffering that stretch for eternity.

For example, one is already adult girl Instead of joyful moments of childhood, she remembers how she once suffered because her mother was late for kindergarten and picked her up later than the others. Perhaps some other children at this moment would have feared that he was abandoned. Instead, she had a resentment that she couldn’t get rid of until adulthood.

Another girl could suffer when her beloved teacher sat her pretty pupil Katenka on her lap and exclaimed how beautiful and well-behaved she was. Other children ran nearby, not noticing either the teacher or Katenka. And that touchy girl was offended. And I also remembered this petty offense all my life.

Forgiving an offense is difficult even in adulthood, let alone in childhood. And there can be a lot of such moments in the life of every person suffering from grievances. They hurt so much that you remember almost all of them in the smallest detail.

Or maybe you know how not to react to insults? And you never get offended by people? Well, lucky guy, then welcome to the mind of an offended person: I will show you what happens in his sense of self at the moment of offense.

A person who is accustomed to being offended does not necessarily cherish his grievances or remember them on purpose - on the contrary, he wants to forget with all his might. And he strives to find out how to learn to forgive an insult so as not to be tormented by empty memories. But this emotion, devouring from within, is stronger than all desires. She doesn’t ask whether you want to experience her or not - she just covers you with a wave, and you can’t resist it. Something starts pulsating in my head, logical thinking turns off, and inside, like a giant cancerous tumor, the feeling grows that I was not appreciated, disliked, not noticed, not heard. All this causes almost physical pain.

In addition, at the moment of offense, a person can feel how the world around him seems to begin to change: shrink where he is, and convexly expand where THEY (the offenders) are.

What does he feel at this moment? It seems to him that with their words or actions they trampled him, flattening his sense of self to a micropoint. And they inflated themselves to exorbitant proportions. Yes, they... they asserted themselves at his expense, that’s what!

The offenders say: “Stop being offended! Why are you like a little child?”, “Don’t know how to forgive insults? Just take it and stop sulking.”

Oh, if it were so simple - just turn off this “feature”, then everyone would have done it a long time ago. "But I can not! - the offended man cries in despair. “I can’t forgive the offense and stop its occurrence, and that’s all!”

And it is true. After all, it interferes with living, loving, working, and finally developing. Having settled in his soul, she turns him into a touchy “slow”, who for days on end can only think about this insult, chewing in his thoughts the smallest sensations on the topic “how it was” and “what will I do with them for this”, thereby throwing more and more wood on the fire of resentment. Then how could this time be spent usefully?

Apparently, the time has come to look for answers in the science of human behavior and its causes. Psychology must know how to forgive an offense. Otherwise, what else is it needed for?

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEVANCE: WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS ADVISE

Traditional psychology equates resentment with negative emotions. Which need to be fought. There are several ways to do this (if you don’t take dubious methods in the form of hypnosis, meditation, and the like): satisfying emotions, restraining, switching, and, finally, chemicals.

How to forgive an offense by satisfying emotions? If we consider resentment as a reaction to unfair treatment, then the satisfaction should be the restoration of this very justice. But how to restore it? If in anger you want to hit, and a punching bag is suitable for this purpose, then nothing will come of it with offense: you won’t be able to come up and kick another girl off the lap of your favorite teacher in order to sit on them yourself. In addition, our grievances are not always adequate: it may only seem to us that they wanted to offend us, but then, after mature reflection, we understand what we imagined.

How to deal with resentment through containment? Swallow something that is so difficult to swallow. Pouting “in a rag.” Huddle on the sidelines.

It has long been known that holding back emotions does not lead to anything good. In the case of resentment, this is especially true: swallowing resentment after resentment, we accumulate within ourselves something that is not utilized, but grows, expands and multiplies. And one day it certainly breaks through with a powerful verbal eruption: when the offender has already forgotten to think about what he once said, a stream of reproaches falls on him, because of which the relationship deteriorates more than if it had been clarified at the first misunderstanding.

Switching. How to let go of resentment using this method? From the outside it may seem that switching is really a good way to forget an insult: I got carried away interesting thing, occupied his head with others - and that’s it, the resentment was gone. But no. This method only works with those who do not know real grievances, do not know this difficult feeling that does not go away at the snap of a finger. I described above what it is, do you understand, yes, that switching won’t work here?

Chemicals. How to survive an insult with the help of tranquilizers? Tranquilizers inhibit the processes of perception of negative emotions. However, they do not work to get rid of the offense: the emotion weakens, but the thought that “I was offended” remains. It remains as a statement of fact. When the “chemistry” stops working, the resentment is restored and secretly seeks a reason to manifest itself.

Is it too much to try to turn off natural human emotion with chemicals? We, those who are touchy, are not mutants, so that we should try to “amputate” an unnecessary feeling.

By the way, is it really not necessary? There is nothing superfluous in nature. And if we experience this feeling, does that mean we need it? How to figure this out?

I won’t torment you any longer: all the answers to these questions are given by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. It also allows anyone to learn how to overcome resentment, even the most old one.

EFFECTIVELY WORKING WITH RESULTS

Remember when I talked about the subjective feeling of resentment? About the fact that the world, at the moment of inflicting cruel spiritual wounds, seems to be distorted, trying to mentally destroy? It’s amazing, but everything is true: resentment arises only among those people for whom more important and balanced concepts than justice, honesty, and straightforwardness do not exist.

The balance in space is disturbed for them if, in their opinion (and it is always significant for them), injustice has been shown to them. They didn’t appreciate it the way others did, they didn’t say what to others (and they deserved it!!!), they didn’t give what they gave to others. Or they said something so nasty that they didn’t say to others... In general, they upset the balance and caused a serious offense, which will be very difficult to overcome.

Why and why are these people so touchy? Nature has endowed them with a special type of thinking, thanks to which they can process huge layers of information, sorting it by different signs still in the process of development. Tendency to systematize strict order, impartiality, equality - these are the categories of thinking of anal people that they carry into life.

Touchiness is a consequence of such thinking, “ by-effect", reaction to situations in which balance is disturbed.

So, you ask, are all representatives of the anal vector doomed to unsuccessfully struggle with resentment all their lives? And there is no remedy or way to get rid of this scourge, because of which families collapse, a good relationship, is your career going downhill?

In fact, this state is natural, but liberation from resentment must happen in childhood, when the child “outgrows” it, simply unlearning to be offended. What does it mean?

Ideally, the picture is like this. A child with an anal vector is very dependent on his mother; he expects manifestations of love and praise from her. A sensitive mother sees this and understands, so she praises the child for his work and supports him in his endeavors, instilling self-confidence in the child. Touchiness does not bother the baby if his anal vector develops in accordance with his needs, if he learns to give without expecting anything in return, and not to take for granted. Having become, he no longer suffers from bouts of resentment, which is essentially a manifestation of selfishness, lack of development and fulfillment in the family and society.

However, very few people have an ideal childhood, and in the end we all suffer from our wrongs in one way or another. Unloved, offended by parents and fate.

Who is stopping us from removing the grudge? mature age? Developing and realizing in the same way as the child in the example? Yes, time is lost, the years of character development are gone, but for adults everything is real. The only thing that hinders us is the lack of knowledge of exactly how to do this.

Why can't we let go of the grudge in peace and move on? Because they are endowed with a very good memory, as well as the property-desire to often turn to the past. These are necessary qualities for full implementation in society, but they also play with us cruel joke: we remember in detail the smallest offense and love to spend a long time replaying in our heads the details of long-ago days.

So, I remember very well how my childhood skin-visual friends “offended” me by distributing roles in a children’s game and giving me some role, in my opinion, inconspicuous and insignificant - compared to theirs. And you may remember something else that is no less important to you.

What happens to us when we feel resentment? To put it bluntly, we are slowing down. We fall into a stupor, stop developing and... Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.

Here is a man, potentially a professional in his field and a wonderful husband, becomes a loser without a family and children; instead of an interesting interlocutor, he turns into a gloomy beech, driven in this life only by the idea of ​​vengeance, and maybe by someone even worse... This serious condition obscures everything, pushing it forward foreground the opposition “I’m right” and “they’re wrong.”

HOW TO GET RID OF RESULTS ONCE AND FOR ALL?

So how can an adult overcome resentment? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan teaches us to understand our mental characteristics, to see the reasons for our own resentment, to recognize in it not only resentment as such, but also a whole bunch of other states.

This understanding allows you to deal with your past, your “hooks” and “anchors” that do not allow you to enjoy life and breathe deeply. The resentment for everyone who has undergone training is not just an annoying hereditary trait, not a weakness or unique property character. Resentment is a transformation into a pillar of salt, stupor, inhibition, NOT life without development and the joy of being.

By plunging into the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, you understand what to do with your husband, child, boss or close friend: take away the right to be offended. And turn to your past not for a retrograde search for another grievance, but for your own realization.

How to forget past grievances and look to a bright future, rather than remembering the dark past? Start with awareness of the mental characteristics - not only of your own, but also of others. For what? At a minimum, so that, realizing why other people are used to “offending” you, you look differently at situations in which you were previously offended.

The deeper you dive into this knowledge, the less offended you become and the more you understand how to let go of feelings of resentment. Instead of a state that sets you back in development, you find your unique realization, establish relationships with your family, and see your purpose in life. What could be more important than this?

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»