Seven easy ways to refuse a person. How to say a firm "no" and not offend

Paradoxically, the ability to refuse is just as necessary as the ability to empathize and help. If you cannot say “no”, those who will never respond to a request for help will turn to you without a twinge of conscience. Mastering the refusal technique.

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many attribute this property of their character to the merits of a person, because it is profitable to always "have at hand" such a "fail-safe" in order to throw some of their problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal life, although as gratitude for their reliability, they can at best count on a dubious compliment.

The old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role is a vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants to. His life almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is an executioner. And even if the “bezotkaznik” suddenly rebelled and abandoned the role of a lifesaver, he would be immediately accused of being terry and heartless.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you want yourself is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want. "

Why are people afraid to say no?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their will often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say "no", but they are so afraid to embarrass or offend another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.

Many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Often people, refusing, pronounce the word "no" as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being denied, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relations, etc.

Some people do not say “no” for fear of becoming useless and alone.

How to refuse politely?

By saying no, we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that it is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that weigh us down. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss this."

When saying no, it is worth remembering that:

• this word can protect against problems;
• can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
• successful people are more likely to say no than yes;
• by denying what we cannot or don’t want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are a few simple polite refusals that show that everyone can do the job.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when they refuse something, it is imperative to name the reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, the explanations will look like excuses, and the excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future, the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often betrays himself with facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply to say "no" without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I cannot do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the "spoiled plate" method, repeating the same refusal words after each of his tirades. Don't interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say no.

This method is suitable for rejecting people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Compassionate rejection

This technique is suitable for rejection of people who tend to achieve their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.

For example, "I am very sorry for you, but I cannot help you." Or "I see that it is not easy for you, but I cannot solve your problem."

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position in the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I cannot do this, because tomorrow I am going to the theater with the child,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording, so that the asking person can quickly grasp the essence.

4. Delayed failure

This method can be used by people for whom it is a psychological drama to refuse someone a request, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of this kind often doubt their righteousness and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

A delayed refusal allows you to reflect on the situation, and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" right away, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.

Reasonable refusal may look like this: “I cannot answer now because I do not remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I made an appointment with someone to meet. I need to look at my weekly to clarify. " Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later, ”etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise denial

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unreal to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be assembled by eight." Or "I can help you with your renovations, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the beggar, then we have the right to refuse with peace of mind.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It presupposes a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot, but together with the person asking us we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I cannot help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or "Perhaps I can help you in another way?"

In response to examples of different refusal techniques, one might argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to "playing with one goal", believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

It's always hard to refuse. For a child - in the hundredth toy, a colleague - in a request to take overtime, for a mother - in arriving when you have absolutely no strength and other plans, a friend - in "just trying" the fifth pie, "she tried so hard ! ".

However, if you never deny anyone anything, those around you will comfortably and securely sit around your neck and will ride until you lie down in a layer. Therefore, you will have to refuse. We learn to do it politely and gently, but so that no one doubts your intentions.

So how to say no:

1. Don't answer right away

Take a break, you can even say directly: "I need to think." This will give you time to collect your thoughts and build an argument, if suddenly your interlocutor begins to insist. Most often, this, by the way, does not happen.

Remember the last time you got rejected? Did this lead to your resentment for life? No, most likely, you took the refusal as additional information and simply changed your plan of action. However, occasionally you come across people who too rarely hear the word "no", they need additional arguments.

2. Don't apologize too much

You have the right to dispose of yourself, your time, money and other resources. Even if you refuse your child to go to an amusement park or buy another toy, you should not apologize. You have your reasons, you proceed from them. It is unlikely that you are guided by greed or the desire to offend.

The same logic applies in other situations, you have the right to opt out. It is enough to show politeness and apologize once for the fact that you cannot help in this or that matter.

3. Don't go into details

Be laconic in your refusal, just say: "I'm sorry, but I can't help you", "Sorry, nothing will work." Even a simple and short phrase "It won't work today" is already a sufficient justification.

Any attempts to describe the situation in detail are like excuses. In addition, they provide an opportunity to drag you into unnecessary discussion or press on feelings of guilt, a sense of duty, and other room for manipulation.

4. Become a "mirror" of the interlocutor

Your answers should be absolutely symmetrical. For example, a colleague asks you to take on some of his work, you have enough to do, so you cannot help him.

• I need to get this job done by Friday, can you help me?
• I understand that you need to do this work by Friday, but unfortunately I cannot help you.
• But I really need it!
• I understand that you really need it, but unfortunately, I can’t help you anyway.

Repeat and repeat the phrase of the interlocutor, ending with a refusal, you will not need any additional arguments.

5. The effect of a worn-out record

Have you ever faced a child rejecting? Well, of course, we came across who did not persuade the child to eat these very tasty vegetables and this very healthy fish! The child repeats his "no" and "won't" until you give up. Just follow his example next time.

If you are uncomfortable to refuse, without explaining the reason, for example, you have to refuse your parents or one of your close friends, you may well name the reason for your refusal, making it clear that you are completely unable to change the circumstances. For example: "I would be glad to stop by in the evening, but I have to finish urgent work, so I can't."

7. Suggest an alternative

Yes, you cannot help the person right now, but perhaps you can find time tomorrow or some other time when you have free resources. Having received a refusal, the person will not be offended and will know that he can still count on you if the need arises and you have the time and desire to help.

8. Find out the details

How long will it take exactly? Can you start without me? Let's move this to another time? Simulate the situation until it is comfortable for you. Ability to refuse is not a sign of intransigence, but a sign of rationality. If you cannot devote time to someone else's question, your help will still be useless.

9. Postpone the decision

Take time to make a decision. Practice shows that half of the problems will disappear before you have to give a final answer. Well, the second time it is psychologically more difficult to turn to a person with the same request.

And, of course, the easiest and most effective way to say to someone is simply to say no. There is such a psychological exercise for raising self-esteem - for a whole week to answer "no" to any request and question. At first this word is very difficult to give, but after a few days you notice that it becomes easier to refuse and feelings of guilt no longer arise. Of course, you will not always refuse everyone, but the very realization that you can do this already makes life much easier and in some places more pleasant.

You have met people who, the very thought of what is needed say no plunges into a state of "quiet terror"?

The heart beats in the chest like a small bird, the palms become wet, tremors appear in the knees, and the head becomes foggy. And ... the ready answer flies out of the depths "yes".

The described option is, of course, an extreme.

There are others: I do not want, I do not want, I resist with all my insides, but, nevertheless, I agree.

Why is it difficult for a person to say no?

Why do we answer "yes" to social loads, requests from friends and colleagues, additional orders from the boss, when, in fact, it is burning inside and you want to say no?

Why is there such disharmony and discrepancy between the inner state and the spoken word?

Causes.

1. Decreased self-esteem.

2. Fear of ruining relationships, a desire to create an image of yourself as a good, kind, sweet person who always comes to the rescue.

But alas ... infringement of one's rights does not make a person better in the eyes of others. Meet -.

3. The desire to show your importance, need, irreplaceability.

4. Lack of personal high goals, which require strength, time, energy, action.

Such a person simply does not have that core within himself to which he can and would like to say "yes", therefore he says "yes" to external strangers and affairs.

1. Listen carefully to the request.

2. First, praise the idea of ​​reaching out to you and thank you for the offer. Use the principle - no one needs a conflict.

3. Report that you will not be able to fulfill this request.

4. Thank you again.

Examples.

You are offered to organize some kind of event.

Alexander Petrovich, this is a wonderful thing. I'm sure the employees will like it. I highly appreciate that you have contacted me with this proposal, but for a number of reasons, I will not be able to do this. I am very pleased with your trust.

A friend offers to participate in a meeting of the committee of a public organization.

Marina, I realized that this is a really great and worthwhile idea. I am very grateful that you have chosen my candidacy, it is a great honor for me. For some reason I cannot take part in this event, but I want you to feel how grateful I am for this offer.

The boss assigns additional work.

Nikolai Vasilievich, I am ready to fulfill any of your orders. But let me tell you, first, I'll tell you what projects I am currently working on.
After that, it is advisable to show clearly all the cases that you are performing, indicating the deadlines, and then ask the question: "Which of these cases would you recommend me to postpone or cancel, in order to fulfill your new assignment."

General refusal rules.

1. Sometimes a firm laconic "no" is enough.

2. Use the pronoun "I", "me", emphasizing both for yourself and for others that this is your decision, the will of your personality.

3. Do not make excuses explaining the situation of refusal.

4. Speak confidently, firmly, calmly, looking into the eyes or the point between the eyes.

In this article, I have considered only a few opt-out options.
Can you say no?
Share your methods in the comments.

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In today's world, the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to help. Having agreed once that it is unpleasant or unwilling to do, a person runs the risk that he will be bothered to fulfill this request more than once.

Those who are not ready to make a reciprocal gesture will ask for help without remorse.

It so happens that a person, having a reliable friend near him, constantly shifts part of his obligations to him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Consider the main phrases that help to politely refuse a person without offending him:

1. Outright refusal... The method will become an effective refusal of a request to an annoying acquaintance. You should not look for excuses in non-fulfillment of the request - this will cause doubts in the asking one.
2. Sympathetic rejection... This type is suitable for people who achieve feelings of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to ignore the situation, but here too there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying "I'm sorry, but I can't help."
3. Delayed failure... The option will have to be in place for people who absolutely cannot say "no". If for a person, refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.

   Answers "I need to consult", "I will give an answer later, when I return from vacation" can be beautifully rejected insolent interlocutors.

4. Reasonable refusal... The essence of this method is to announce the real reason. For example, you need to go to the cinema with your child, go to the dacha to see your mother, attend a solemn event.

   This type is suitable for refusing a meeting, while for convincingness it is advisable to name 2-3 reasons.

5. Diplomatic refusal... The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase "I cannot help, but I have a friend who is dealing with this issue."
6. Compromise denial... Suitable for people who are always helping those who ask. By correctly proposing a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.

   If the interlocutor asks to sit with the child all day, answer: "I will be able to sit with the baby, but only from 12 to 17 hours, due to the fact that I have already planned things to do."

Know that you can't refuse everyone. There will always be people who need help and the location of strangers. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between persons who really require help from those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.

Options for different situations

Quite often it happens that a person has to do what he has no desire to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a case, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in a good relationship.

Note! The most common request is for money. Once you lend money to a person once, you can expect them to come back with a second request.

Psychologists agree that constant reliability is fraught with stress, headache, insomnia. The main problem of such people is the reduction of time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life, to fulfill their dreams.

The beggars appear from everywhere, they cannot be denied or offended, so you have to agree. Consider the options for situations and their solution.

Saying “no” to a compulsive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority, or your position disappears. Another thing is to give a negative answer to those with whom you do not want discord in a relationship. When forming your refusal, pay attention to the following unwanted actions:

1. Do not look at the interlocutor and speak in incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person is refusing, looking for all kinds of excuses for refusal.
2. Always apologize. If, after a negative answer, you suffer from remorse, you should not show it to your interlocutor. So you will help him to conclude that he is guilty.
3. Too much talk. Such a move may raise the suspicion that the person is being deceived, trying to tell him the truth.
4. Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will appear that other arguments were thought out on the fly.
5. To promise too good an alternative. Free your opponent from false hope. If a good alternative is not foreseen, it is better to refuse right away.

There is always a partial rejection option - a good way if you don't want to ruin your relationship with the person. It implies the setting of its own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to reach a consensus.

Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, introduce discord in communication, and ruin your authority.

A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-term calm relationship. Learn to do it right and only when you really can't help the person.

Useful video

Similar posts

On the Internet and in popular publications, many techniques have been published to refuse an annoying interlocutor or say no in a situation. The names of these failure technologies speak for themselves. The techniques "wasting time" and "I have plans" prescribe to take a break for reflection, but as a result, the risk of offending by refusal does not decrease, but is only postponed for later. The Precautionary Advice encourages you to avoid meeting a manipulator or bypass situations when you may be asked. The techniques "Usually I don't ..." and "Controlled stupidity" introduce the reader to speech phrases that turn him into a manipulator of the feelings and behavior of another person. We need such a technology to say “no” so as not to lose face and maintain the respect of the person whom we refuse.

Psychological preparation for a situation of refusal

Most people understand that it takes enviable confidence and calmness to say no. At a time when an insecure person blushes, fusses and looks away, a confident interlocutor refuses easily and freely. It is the psychological readiness for this situation and the knowledge of the refusal technology that makes him confident so as not to offend another person. You can get psychological training at assertiveness trainings and confident behavior seminars. It is possible with the task “to become confident in communication” to seek help from a psychologist. And you can gain situational confidence by using the "Pose of the English Queen" technique. To do this, after hearing a request in your address, take a deep breath, lift your chin, straighten your shoulders and, looking into the eyes of the interlocutor, apply the technology of refusal.

The technology to say no and not offend a person

So, the main difficulty in refusal is to save your face and not offend the interlocutor, to maintain the respect and disposition of the person asking in relation to you. Technology to say no directly and unequivocally offers you say no to a person's request and wherein say yes to a person person. What does this mean? This means that you must show the person that he is important to you, give him significance, express gratitude. And at the same time deny him (just something) a request.

This is what a dialogue with your colleague who asks for a loan might look like.

A co-worker comes up to you at lunchtime and ingratiatingly asks: “Listen, help me out (pleading look),NSI'd like to intercept a couple of thousand rubles from you before payday ".

In a few seconds, you take the "pose of the queen" and looking into the eyes of your colleague, say in a soft and confident voice: “I am very pleased that you are addressing me. I am glad that we work with you in the same office(say "yes" to the person you are talking to).I'm sorry, but I won't borrow you money this time(refuse his request) ".

If your work colleague makes another attempt to beg you for money, you continue to say "no" to his request in a short phrase, in a firm voice: “Nothing will come of it. No". .

You no longer need to repeat the entire phrase in its entirety, and you use the "broken record" technique, repeating "no" until the interlocutor leaves you behind with his request. In a situation of greater psychological distance, for example, in dealing with an obsessive trader, you can reinforce your second "no" at the bodily level by turning your back to the seller.

Practice queen pose and the ability to say no in a firm, confident voice at home over the mirror. Practice refusing with respect for the interlocutor to strangers before saying "no" and not offending loved ones.