Read life stories. Category: Real life stories

Almost everyone loves. People are especially amused by short stories, funny and amusing, that happened in real life. Such occasions will be great entertainment for any company. Short stories, funny, original, funny - this is exactly what you need for a pleasant pastime. They are a kind of anecdote. However, the difference is that taken from real life, they sound much more interesting. You can laugh at these comical, dashingly twisted plots for a very long time without stopping.

Short stories. Funny incidents from life

So, if you are going to relax with friends, be sure that everyone will like this kind of entertainment. Short stories, funny cases are able to instantly cheer up the people around them. And if you are blessed with a good memory, you probably have a lot of them. Short stories - funny, kind, comical - about your friends and acquaintances will give you smiles and a lot of positive emotions. Let's consider where different situations most often occur.

Military service

You can often hear, for example, interesting stories from the life of people - funny, short - about the military. For example, this. A man tells about the period of his service in the army. During his watch at the checkpoint, he was approached by married couple aged. The woman began to wonder where the tank unit was located nearby. The son allegedly served there, according to her. The officer on duty tried to explain to the spouses that there was no tank unit nearby. In response, the couple tried desperately to prove that their son would not deceive them. The last argument of the woman was a photograph shown to the attendant. It depicted a young "tankman" with a proud bearing, leaning out from the waist with a cover in his hands in front of him. One can imagine how the soldier on duty was laughing. Similar interesting stories from people's lives (funny, short) are heard very often among the military.

Document cases

Where else can funny funny moments meet? Surprisingly, you can often hear stories from life, funny, short, related to working with documents. Here is one of them. The man needed to get a certificate for the notary office in the State Bureau of Investigation. An employee of the bureau asked how urgently he needed a document (the cost of registration for three days is sixty-eight rubles, for two - one hundred and five). The man settled on the second option, as time, as they say, was running out. Having paid the money at the cash desk, I received the answer: "Come on Monday." And it was Thursday. The girl explained that they are closed on Saturday and Sunday. "What if I paid in three days?" the man asked. The girl explained that he would still have to come for help on Monday. "Why did I pay forty rubles more?" the man asked. "Like this? Time is running out. To get a certificate a day earlier, ”the girl explained. Of course, such stories from life, funny, short, at first can only infuriate. However, over time, you will remember such cases with a smile on your face.

On vacation

The next option. Short funny stories from real life, those related to recreation are no less popular than the aforementioned ones. A lot of curiosities can be seen on the beach. How fun it was, for example, for the vacationers watching the following picture. A married couple with a son of about eight years old was resting on the seashore. The family forgot to take panamas with them. The wife went to the room for the hats, leaving the child with the father. When she returned, she did not see her husband, but here is her son ... He was buried in the sand. One head stuck out. To the question "Where is daddy?" the boy replied: "Bathing!" "Why are you here?" - asked the mother. The child said cheerfully: "Daddy buried me so that I would not get lost!" Such an act, of course, is difficult to call serious, but it was fun for everyone!

Abroad

Short funny stories from real life sometimes have a continuation, developing into longer, drawn-out ones. One of them is told by the guide. A group of Russian tourists (hockey players) went on a boat tour along the mountain river. Often, guides provoke water battles between vacationers. This time, the Germans fell into the Russians' rivals. Moreover, an excursion was held on May 9 ...

One could imagine how the hockey players got turned on when they found out who they were fighting with. With shouts "For the Motherland!" and "For Victory!" they paddled furiously on the water. However, they quickly got tired of it. Turning over on the way of the objectionable guide, they rushed at the enemy directly on the boats, quickly turning them into the water.

It would seem that the fun is over. But in the evening the following fact surfaced: both groups settled in the same hotel. Hockey players loudly celebrated their "victory" right by the pool, singing patriotic songs. The Germans did not even leave their rooms.

At work

Very often funny stories from the life of people (short) in the workplace also occur. For example, such a case. One man bought himself a book on. Having brought it to work, he decided to try it out on his colleagues. His employee wanted to "check" her daughter. The man agreed. The next day, a colleague brought an envelope with a note. Opening it, the man immediately said: “Your daughter is 14 years old. She is an excellent student. Loves horse riding and dancing. " The woman was simply shocked and immediately ran to tell her friends about everything. The man did not even have time to tell her about the content of the note: “I am an excellent student, I am 14 years old, I love horses and dances. And mom thinks you are a deceiver. "

Animal cases

Funny stories from short and not only, quite often they are also associated with our smaller brothers. For example, such interesting case happened to a middle-aged man. Somehow a tired old dog came to the courtyard of his private house. However, the animal was fattened, a collar flaunted around its neck. That is, it was quite obvious that the dog was well cared for, that it had a home. The dog approached the man, allowed himself to be stroked and followed him into the hallway. Slowly walking through it, he lay down in the corner of the living room and fell asleep. After about an hour, the dog came to the door. The man released the animal.

The next day, at about the same time, the dog again came to him, "greeted", lay down in the same corner and slept again for about an hour. His "visits to visit" lasted for several weeks. Finally, the man decided to inquire about what was the matter, and pinned a note to the collar with the following content: "Sorry, but I want to know who is the owner of this lovely wonderful animal and whether he knows that the dog sleeps at my house every day." The next day the dog came with the "answer" strapped on. The note read: “The dog lives in a house with six babies. Two of them, moreover, have not yet turned three years... He wants to sleep well. Will you let me come with him tomorrow? "

Youth

It happens that people around are brought to tears by funny stories. Short stories from the life of young people are especially common among students, applicants, high school students. However, this is not the case. No one was offended or disappointed. Two young guys walked slowly through the streets of the city. Stopping near a press kiosk, which also sells various stationery and other trifles, they decided to buy a small ball with an elastic band that flies merrily if you pull it - just like that, as they say, for fun. The problem was one thing: the guys did not know the name of this toy. One of the boys, pointing at the ball, turned to the saleswoman: "Give me that fenneck over there!" "What to give?" the woman asked. "Fenka!" - repeated the young man. The guys left with their purchase. The next day, they walked past this booth again. A price tag with the words "fennec" appeared on the display window near the balloon.

Cases with children

Funny short stories of people are sure to make people smile when it comes to kids. Here is an incident that happened to a three-year-old boy. A large friendly family gathered together at the same table. The child sat and calmly watched how his grandmother and mother were frying pancakes. All this time, he just said quietly: “This is all mine. I will eat first. Whoever eats without me - I will punish! " The women finally finished cooking and stacked the pancakes on a plate. The family took out the jam and began to sit down at the table. The boy was the last to go to wash his hands. Before that, he warned everyone: “I will leave. But I'll count all the pancakes so that you don't eat without me. " Next to the plate sounded: “One, two, five, twenty, thirty ... That's it! Do not touch!" When the child returned, one pancake was eaten. The boy began to shout: "I told you, you can't eat without me!" Relatives asked: "Have you really counted?" To this the kid replied: “You don’t think? I can't count! I turned over the top pancake! "

Indeed, it turned out funny. After all, none of the adults could guess to turn the top pancake with the fried side down.

Hospital stories

Very often comic incidents occur within the walls. medical institutions... As a rule, interesting stories (funny, short) from maternity hospitals about young fathers are the most common among them. For example, this one. One man had a wife. The couple were expecting twins. However, the gender of the future children was not known to them. A woman gave birth to a girl and a boy. An agitated man was waiting for the doctor at the door of the ward. Finally, the midwife appeared. The father ran up to her with the question: "Twins?" "Yes!" - answered the woman. The husband, smiling: "Boys?" She: "No!" Dad, smiling even wider: "Girls?" Midwife: "No!" The husband, dumbfounded: "Who?" There are many such cases every day.

On road

Real funny stories, short and long, are often associated with traffic police officers. For example, at one of the motor depots in Novosibirsk, such a case is known. There was one short chauffeur working there. When he was driving the KrAZ, he was not even visible from the outside. One day a chauffeur went on a flight without fixing the back number on the car. He just put it in the glove compartment. As usually happens in such cases, a traffic police officer was standing at the intersection. Seeing a car without a driver, he was very surprised and whistled. The driver found a way out of the situation. He parked the car so that it was possible to slip out through the second door unnoticed, and fix the number. Risky, but it the only way avoid the fine. So the car stopped. The patrolman slowly approached, stood and, without waiting for anyone, looked inside. Of course, he was very puzzled looking at the empty cockpit. The driver, meanwhile, fixed the number, and everyone returned to their seats. The traffic police officer was even more surprised when, obeying the command of his baton, an empty car started up and drove on.

That's just funny

And one moment. Much also depends on the person’s mood. Funny short stories may not have a so-called special plot. It happens that a person just has fun and joyful soul. As they say, the laugh got into my mouth. This is most likely explained by the fact that people are faced with various stresses on a daily basis, minor and not so. All this, of course, is deposited within each of us, adversely affecting nervous system... A person, of course, does not constantly remember this. But all these unpleasant moments remain in the memory. Accordingly, the body has to do a nervous discharge from time to time. After all, laughter heals. Thus, the healing process manifests itself in the form of a cheerful mood.

Therefore, one should not at all be surprised that this happens from time to time. You can walk down the street with absolutely awkward thoughts in your head, look at others, and it will be funny for you. Their clothes, their gait, and their facial expressions can also amuse you. Trying to contain your laughter and smile, you thereby provoke a backlash from the people you meet. Well, if suddenly some incident also happens ... For example, a gust of wind throws a sheet of paper in your face, or a bag, or something like that, this story will seem especially funny to you. And this, it is worth recalling once again, is not gloating at all! It's just a fight against the stress of our body! Laughter prolongs our life!

10th place: The neighbors have a shepherd dog on a chain, they themselves left for work. I hear a roar from their side, mats, I look out the window, and there some guy in black is trying to enter the gate. The dog furiously digs the gravel, throwing stones at the thief. He closes the gate - the shepherd does not dig, waits, barks like "what, piss?" The gate will open - again gravel shelling. Left ten minutes later, holding an eye. Armed guards, che))

9th place: How I caught crayfish. Before, I didn’t take crayfish at all, let alone try them. Somehow, somewhere, my wife bought some crayfish. Prepared, taught them to eat correctly. I really liked it.
Once an acquaintance called us to relax in nature with the company. Eat crayfish, go fishing. Crawling for crayfish then I vaguely imagined with some kind of net with rotten meat. Figs with him: we took the tents, loaded everything we needed into the cars and go. We arrived at a warm canal running from the state district power station. Slavka, our friend, takes out scuba gear. “Well, nihrenasse, cool! "- I thought. He puts on an aqualung, along the way explains and shows everything in detail, puts on ordinary cloth household gloves, takes a mesh bag with a thin neck and, leisurely, smoothly plunges into the channel. We didn’t measure the time, but there was no time for about 10 minutes. Only in some places did small bubbles appear. On them we tracked his movement and the place where later it was necessary to help him get to the shore. And then a diver appears. We help to get out, in his hands he has a net with, almost, a bucket of crayfish. We take off all the ammunition from him, and Slava turns to me:
- Now you come on.
- In what sense. I AM?
- Yes, not ssy, everything is adjusted, there is still a lot of air, which is incomprehensible I will explain.
I swim well. Fins, a mask with a snorkel have been familiar to me for a long time, I can stay under water for a long time, but I saw scuba gear so close for the first time. Here I draw your attention to the fact that my girls, and all the guests, look at me as if I were a Hero-submariner, who is now planning a feat. Well, it’s impossible to crap at this moment, therefore, trying to look confident and bold, I give the command:
- Let's! Dress up!
Here is a small digression. I didn't look like a handsome jock, but rather athletic. And also: Slavka knew that I loved all sorts of experiments, adventures and welcomed something new and unusual. The rest of the company didn't really care: everyone was waiting for us to finally set up camp and open a can of alcohol. Therefore, there were no particular candidates.
While they were hanging all this underwater equipment on me, for some reason nursery rhymes and phrases flashed in my head: “I'm not a coward, but I'm afraid”, “Why did I stand against the wall? My knees are trembling, ”etc. When everything was ready, I asked:
- Slav, and how to catch these, as them, crayfish there?
- A mustache is simple: you are looking for a hole on the walls of the canal, you stick your hand there. As soon as you feel that the crustacean has grabbed a finger, grab it and smoothly, otherwise the paw will come off, pull it out into the bag. Then you look for another mink.
- And stick your hand far away?
- Well, it happens up to the elbows, even more.
Nihyasse! I thought they should get into the bag themselves. I will not describe the diving process, but when I found myself under water, I was pleasantly surprised. It turned out to be much more difficult to breathe, but after a few breaths I got used to it. Heavy scuba diving did not push me to the bottom, but balanced the position under water. I felt like I was in space. So why am I here? Another mesh bag in hand. Oh, crayfish! I swam to look for holes. It turned out that there is no need to look for them - they are dreadful there! I swim up to the first, a few seconds of moral preparation. All the same, it's a little airy, but, overcoming my fear, I slowly begin to thrust my hand into the hole. Oh fuck! Scary, already horror! What if there is not a crustacean, but some kind of monster? The hand in the hole is almost up to the elbow. Suddenly I feel like something is trying to cling to the glove. Everything, shit. In my head, fragments from horror films, as I take out from the hole a bitten off bloody hand with ragged edges, with protruding white bones. I try to remember a prayer. Suddenly this something specifically grabs my gloved finger. Before my eyes, shots from a uselessly lived life begin to flash, and somewhere behind, bubbles begin to actively stand out, but there is no scuba gear. Probably the brain turned off and transferred all the powers to the ass. Bubbling with bubbles, she gave the order quickly and clearly: "Now grab it quickly and pull it out carefully." I obey the order implicitly, and in my hands, already in front of the mask, a completely valid cancer is floundering. I put it in my bag and here the brain connects again. I almost yelled into scuba gear: “Hurray! I did it! And it was not scary at all! ". The second cancer, albeit with a strain, I pulled out more confidently. Then it went like seeds. Having caught, about 30 pieces, I surfaced, pulled out the mouthpiece and, showing off, yelled:
- Look how much I have already caught! Are you weak?
Demonstratively, I take out a mesh bag from the water. On the shore, almost everyone starts to laugh, and Slavka asked:
- Why, you fool, didn’t you pinch the bag with your hand?
I look at the bag, and there is a lonely crustacean sitting! How? There was even more laughter at my excuses. Someone, on the contrary, calmed and encouraged me. Through the general laughter, Slava explained to me that crayfish are only on land so slow and clumsy, but in water they can give fish a head start, they squeeze into any hole. Here they are through an unclamped bag and fucked. I got a little tired, but resentment and annoyance made me, wiping the mask, plunged again. The bag, or rather its neck, under the water I was now squeezing with all my anger. Rakov pulled out of their holes mercilessly, like the Nazis from bunkers. But the strength gives its own, and I am always friends with my head (I periodically watched the pressure gauge). When they helped me to get ashore, there were 18 good crayfish in the bag, and there were 5 minutes left in the air cylinders. When asked, like, how's it going? Confidently answered:
- Yes, in general, garbage. I immediately caught a lot of them, I just messed around with the bag a little. And so - everything was very interesting, not even scary at all.
On, a little shaking with adrenaline, no one paid attention.
Already in another place, on the lake, camp was set up. I've never eaten so many crayfish in my life. The shrimps are resting to taste. There were also crayfish in the lake, but I didn’t catch them there, they caught others, more in simple ways, but there was no shortage of crayfish, they even brought a lot home, and the fish were well caught.
And then my wife and I went to that channel more than once. Believe it or not, I dived only in a mask and fins, and threw the crayfish I got ashore, where my wife picked them up. We took a bucket (small) from half a bucket. I still remember these fishing trips with delight.
PS. truthful to the smallest detail and now I know exactly where the crayfish hibernate.

8th place: All my life I was chasing one girl, but it was all unsuccessful. One day I was walking down the street, there was snow everywhere, and I saw a homeless cat meowing from the cold. And I was not the only one who approached her, there was another sweet girl who also felt sorry for her. More than 10 years have passed, we live together, and also with us)

7th place: It's funny, but it turns out that simulators (as well as fans of paintball and similar games) outperform trained warriors who have passed hot spots, almost dry - they stupidly have no instinct for self-preservation, run out into the crowd and discharge a machine gun into it - no experienced one can ... He would rather get into a ditch and shoot in the direction of the enemy, occasionally looking out to adjust the fire and emptying the store over and over again, because he has already tightly hammered in the prohibition to climb under the bullets.

6th place: On the way home, my dog ​​was distracted by something, but he did not slow down. I look at him and wonder if he will notice the parked car. Bang, the dog bumps into her and the alarm goes off. Before I have time to smile at his inattention, I crash into the post myself. While I am sitting on my priest, holding on to my iron friend, and counting the stars in front of my eyes, the owner of the car loudly rumbles on the balcony of the first floor. Then I asked him to pick up the last cigarette from the ground, otherwise it fell out.

5th place: With friends, taking metal detectors, they searched for treasure in the village. We found nothing interesting and returned to our site, where the owner allowed us to dig on the condition that we clean everything up. All over the site there are only signals of nails. I didn't want to give up, so I decided to drop it at random. I chose a random place, dug for a long time, there was nothing but nails, and, already in despair, came across something solid. I pulled it out, it turned out that it was a broken, ugly box. Opened up. There was nothing there, except for a piece of paper with the words "Whoever finds it, that fool." The owner said that the site appeared under Peter the Great. Thus, in the near history museum a new exhibit has appeared)

4th place: Husband with eldest daughter I flew to rest, I and the younger ones temporarily moved to my parents. In the evening, my daughter on Skype shows how they are having dinner in a cafe with a company. Suddenly my dad sharpens and says: - Granddaughter, take the tablet to that aunt who laughs out loud.
Malaya hands her aunt a tablet, and here is the following dialogue:
- Luda, are you on sick leave?
- Sergey Petrovich ?! How did you find me?
My dad is the dean of the faculty, and this woman took a sick leave for a week, and she went to rest with her husband. Over 2000 km ...

3rd place: I came to the bank to close all cards and accounts. The girl in the window first talked about them Special offers, then she began to question why I refuse, because they are so wonderful and so on. To which I leaned closer to her and in a conspiratorial tone said that God had ordered me to do so. For some reason, I did not receive more offers from her, and the process of closing cards and accounts went faster.

2nd place: An acquaintance once gave a 10-year-old daughter a raccoon for a day. There is such a service, they bring you a raccoon, it destroys your entire home, rinsing cellular telephone, gnaws a hole in his sneakers and disassembles a laptop. Along the way, he scratches everyone. In general, the raccoon thinks that this is his holiday, and he was brought to play with new people. The kids love it. Children generally like it when someone is crazier than they are. In the evening, a happy raccoon is taken away, you exhale and understand what real happiness is.

1st place: which does not exist. Today. The wife got sick with the flu. But now this disease is for our outside. No doctor can make such a diagnosis. Now we must first of all carry out a biological analysis for viruses, hell knows where and how, in order to write wheeze in the epicrisis. But the minister reports on the success of vaccination. You see - how the incidence has fallen! It was not for nothing that they buried billions on vaccines ... And we have 2 weeks serious condition"non-influenza" led to complications in the lungs - pneumonia. It turned out that pneumonia is now also out. The squelching and hissing in the lungs, heard even by the naked ear, by the ambulance doctors are not heard point-blank. Everything is clear. The main thing is not to write a referral to the hospital for hospitalization, otherwise the question will come up - what kind of ARVI led to complications in the lungs. Nizzya, the struggle is for indicators, and the sick go to drink tea with lemon, if they survive. We were rescued by an elderly general practitioner who prescribed the necessary courses of antibiotics for pneumonia for which there is no antiviral drugs for influenza, which is also not available for our Ministry of Health. We were lucky.
Yesterday.
I remembered from my childhood.
In the entire district, we had only one medical center in which an elderly general practitioner and his wife worked as a paramedic, obstetrician, speech therapist, pediatrician and much more. There was also a "hospital" in the form of two beds, over the periodic residents of which the doctor carried out his medical manipulations. So I, as a young man, lay there, moving away from the operation to remove the tonsils. There was such a fad then. Here I am lying, and grandpa comes to the doctor who is bandaging a lumberjack wounded with a saw. Give, he says to the doctor, some kind of heart pill, tachycardia tortured me. Tachycardia, says the doctor, but you are our specialist, but why are you so pale, gloomy, drunk or something? No, my grandfather says, I'm not getting enough sleep. For some reason I get tired, I probably have a heart attack.
Yes, says the doctor, a heart attack is a serious matter, let's measure the pressure. Measured it up, grunted, but what kind of poop did you have - asks? Yes you sho, the grandfather replies, unless I spot them in the hole toilet. Don't be ridiculous, Mikhalych (that's what he called the doctor. In fact, Moiseevich, but who will remember such a patronymic in the Siberian wilderness).
The doctor drove me out of bed, put my grandfather down, felt his stomach and said: you, grandfather, now go home, wash yourself, pack your suitcase and tomorrow morning you will go to the district, to the hospital, lie down there, get medical treatment. I'll show you the direction in the evening. Grandfather left. And the doctor, having finished the dressing, began to call the district to the regional hospital - the patient says I have severe cancer of the small intestine and some tricky words. He has a heart, what such a cancer - I was already sweating with fright. Yes, says Moiseevich. Hemoglobin is low on the skin, it hurts in a certain place, which means there is blood loss, fatigue, pressure, and it’s not the first one I have. I can already smell what someone is sick with. Why are you whimpering? Yes, this is my dear grandfather, I say. Oh, that's how it is, well, don't be afraid ahead of time. Maybe oklematsya. The doctor was right, the diagnosis was

Everyone has moments in life when difficulties overcome, and it seems that their hands are about to drop ... The stories of these amazingly strong-minded people will help many of us understand that you can cope with any situation and under any life circumstances, the main thing is to believe in yourself and in your strength!

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Pole dance is the toughest type of dance that requires not only coordination and flexibility, but extraordinary strength in the arms, press and other muscles. Acrobatics. Stretch marks. Soldier's work. The expander in the hands. And love. Because how can you endure all this if you do not like this occupation?

As a child, I loved to lean on the cover of the secretaire. Mom very much scolded me for this, because on top of the secretaire there was a beautiful tea set brought by my grandmother from Ashgabat. And then one day, doing my homework, I once again leaned my elbows. There was a terrible crash. My grandmother flew in, saw the broken service, grabbed me in her arms and ran into the street. And only below did she come to her senses that she was in Leningrad, and there was no earthquake here. Oh, and it hit me then! And in the evening my mother added ...

I am very calm person who rarely raises his voice. But there is one way that makes me scream - mirrors in a closed room, from which there is no exit. My boyfriend decided to somehow play a trick on me, to make sure that I can raise my voice. One lovely morning I woke up in a locked room with a dozen fairly large mirrors. He found me two hours later under the table in hysterics, the nightmares did not leave for several months. The guy is gone.

I work in a cinema for two. Usually couples in love come. Romance, movies, delicious food, wine, kisses ... But how enraged are those who cross the line of kisses and transfer the matter to the horizontal plane. There is a camera, an announcement at the entrance, and even so we tell the guests, but it's a pity that not everyone gets it.

My husband and I decided to take a serious step - to adopt a child. Daughter of our distant relatives, a fire in the house, only she was saved. Immediately she was silent all the time, then she began to speak from time to time. But in two years this has not progressed further. I dreamed that we would replace her family, but she is still cold. I don’t blame anyone, but it’s so bitter.

Recently I cheated on my husband, because he is a fucking workaholic, and our last sex was a year and a half ago. I love him very much, but could not stand it. I went to town to see a friend, went to a club and slept with a guy whose name I don't even know. He fucked my whole soul out of me, and I returned home happy, to which my husband offered to go to her more often. On the one hand, I finally felt like a desired girl, and on the other, the cats scratched their hearts.

Grandmother and grandfather met in the park when grandmother, headlong, ran home, covering herself with her hands from the pouring rain. She accidentally bumped into him, knocking him off his feet. Mom and dad found out about each other at the school disco when mom accidentally collided with his father, knocking him to the floor, falling on top of him to the tune of "slow". And I found my love in the trash, when, without looking, I threw a bag of trash into the barrel, and accidentally hit the guy, knocking him down and dropping him straight into the trash. But I found it.

Half a year ago I was hit by a car. As a result, a spinal injury, wheelchair... My husband supported me as best he could, blew away dust particles. Recently, doctors said that it is possible to undergo surgery, there is a 50/50 chance that I will be able to walk again, but the condition may worsen. My husband with tears in his eyes begged me not to risk it, he will take care of me. I really began to fear interference. And then my tablet broke, I took my husband's laptop and found a bunch of porn with disabled people there. I will be operated on soon.

I have a strange mania for coming up with dialogues various subjects furniture. Here I was sitting in line at the clinic, a woman tugs at the handle of the office, the door is closed, and I immediately imagine a dialogue between two doors: - Oh, why are you pulling, tear it off! Can't you see? Closed! No, well, did you see? She pulls here! Give me another polish on the handle, erase it! - Hmm, here people go! They kick and clap. Mom told me, go to paper ...

I often select music for performances. This is a laborious process, you can sit for several days and listen, listen, listen, until the catchy notes slip through the heap of music that starts to seem the same. And how many incredible, incidentally found melodies are now in my piggy bank and waiting in the wings! I want to have the opportunity to show all the images that this music paints.

I have a tooth scar on my tongue. According to my parents, when I was two years old, I was sitting on a chair, and my older brother pushed him, I fell, hit my head on the battery and bit my tongue. The parents thought that it would grow together, so they did not sew it up. As a child, a friend called this scar a pocket, since a piece of skin can be pushed aside with your teeth and you can see a depression. The expression on the faces of the people to whom I tell this story and in conclusion I show my tongue is priceless!

My grandmother is 84. She has beautiful makeup, hair, dress and high heels. She has a husband who is 17 years younger, who loves her to the point of madness. She runs in the mornings on the balcony on the treadmill, cooks awesome, sings great, and sews awesome bespoke clothes. And I just want to be like her, at least at 70 years old, and not that at 80 and a half!

No matter how much I get to know people, every time with amazing skill I manage to spoil the attitude towards myself. Because ... Apparently, I do not understand the personal side of each person. A careless action or a word - the relationship becomes strained, and they themselves are already like strangers. How many times in my life I have seen this, I don’t even know. People with whom, it seemed, he could communicate about anything and constantly, now barely exchange a couple of phrases ...

Have a heart defect, you have to fly to the operation. And then a friend says that it is expensive to deliver the body, and many bring ashes back in urns. The positive disappeared, I saw how my husband was looking for a delivery of the body. She said how she spat ... I feel sorry for those close to me - they are worried, and it became scary myself. We are realists, but here it is hard and scary.

In life I am a gray mouse. But after sex, I become prettier. The eyes shine, the lips become slightly plump and bright, the skin turns beautifully pale, the cheeks are pink. I even learned how to use it: if I was to attend an event, I made love in front of him, it helped more than makeup. I did not take into account only one thing, that this feature was noticed not only by me, but also by my beloved husband. My ex-beloved husband, who burned me beautiful after work.

I moved into the apartment where my friends lived before. From their stories: they fucked on the table and made noise as much as possible, for which all the neighbors hated them. On the very first evening, at about 10, I decided to move the wardrobe a little. Five minutes later, all the grandmothers of the world stuck their heads out, shouting that I was a shit and arranging orgies, after another half an hour two police officers arrived. When they saw me in my pajamas and my cat crap from a knock on the door, they apologized for a long time, and then reprimanded the neighbors on the stairs for another half an hour.

I never liked to go to my grandmother. They came once a year with the whole family for a couple of days, and trash began. A booze with moonshine and massacre, in which my grandmother and her sons participated, and after that she tried to educate 7-9-year-old me about sex in all the vile details. In another argument, when she lifted her skirt and showed me where to go, I found out that she did not wear underwear either. It is a pity that I did not recognize the other grandmother - she died when I was a year old (

Recently I came across a series about Katya Pushkareva. My God, then her image seemed terrible, but today she is downright trendy, but everyone who was in style looks like a knot. What a strange thing fashion is!

When the war began, the grandfather went to the front, and the grandmother and her four-year-old daughter went to evacuation. They lived hard, there was not enough food, my daughter was very sick. The grandmother was a beauty, and was courted by an officer in high rank, brought stew, butter, chocolate. And she relented. The girl on good food recovered quickly. When the grandfather returned from the war, the grandmother immediately confessed to him. He smoked, paused and said: "Thank you for saving my daughter." They lived together for 55 years, and he never rebuked her with a single word.

I hate coins. When you see them, you immediately feel sick. As a child, I had a habit of collecting change all over the house and stuffing it into my mouth. Years have passed, the habit is gone, but only now I understand that it was disgusting.

I hate this kind of spring, because it's impossible to properly lower your phone! You go into the minibus after the street, bend over the phone, and the snot flows down so treacherously ...

For a long time in the office I picked out huge boogers and sculpted them at the table. I thought that I would clean it up later. While I was on vacation, we moved to another office, where the chief sat down. Ashamed to return to work (((

As a child, I was afraid of old people because it seemed to me that they would steal my youth in order to prolong their life. And because I was a sweet child, they often took me on their knees in crowded vehicles. Minutes of horror.

My husband works for an agricultural company - plowing fields and transporting crops. He drives a tractor at work, and when we get bored at home, he asks: "How much is 150 + 150?" I say: "300" - and go to suck at the tractor driver)

Before each flight, of which there are not so many, I put a status from the series "life is so short" or I make a post with the song "If I die young". If suddenly I die in a plane crash, then everyone will go to my page and think that I had a presentiment of my demise. I suffer from aerophobia.

Since childhood, my dad beat me up and morally harassed me until I left home. Now I live abroad and occasionally communicate in the messenger. Once, while telling him a story, she cursed. Dad took out the whole brain that I did not respect him, because "I swore with him." And that if I continue to swear, he will stop communicating with me. And I really thought that I did not respect him and that if he stopped communicating with me, I would not be very upset.

Recently I heard from acquaintances who have a month-old baby that it’s time to baptize the baby. Casually clarified if they had read the Bible (no); do they even know "Our Father" (also not); What time was Jesus baptized and was he baptized at all? Last question drove them to a dead end. Then I asked why baptize such a crumb. The answer was ingenious: "Well, wow, we are like Orthodox ..." Orthodox Christians, who did not even hold the Bible in their hands, but wear a cross as an adornment. Enrages!

Grandma always scolds me when she sees HOW I am peeling potatoes. He says that during the war, my cleanings could feed the entire village.

I was returning home from the store. My five-year-old daughter ran into the elevator, and I drag my bags behind. And then someone calls the elevator, I don't have time. The doors close and I hear my daughter's scream going up. Throwing my bags, rushing through the floors, trying to figure out where the scream comes from. I ran to the seventh. You should have seen the face of the man who was waiting for the elevator. When the doors opened, a small, angry, angry girl stood in front of him, who ran into him, shouting a healthy man with her bass: "Where is my mother ?! Answer!"

I define men by their pope. Rounded plump asses or loose hips, more like a woman's - most likely, he is lazy, and can still be cunning or a mama's son. How many times have already coincided!

I started dating a 19-year-old girl who smokes, drinks and doesn't mind earning extra money for a blowjob. I wanted to put her on the right path, moved to her, took a higher-paying job to support her and her mother. As a result, in three years he almost drank himself to death, and two times they wanted to put him in jail. I dropped it and left. Fuck such charity. Occasionally we communicate as friends. I do not regret my deed, I am not going to repeat it. I don't drink at all, I'm 27.

A good friend of mine has been working in a sports school as an acrobatics trainer for many, many years. Each new group In the first training session, he shows parents the same trick ... He puts several mats on the floor and commands the children to run around these mats. A few minutes later he gives the command: "Everyone quickly get down on the mats!"
So: boys lie face down on their stomachs, and girls - face up on their backs! Is always!

Saturday morning (8.15 am) I am going to Dragomanov to study ... I sit down in a minibus at Pushkin Park. The minibus is half empty, dad and daughter are driving behind me, talking about how they will go to the theater in the evening ... a child of 8-9 years old ...
Well, finally we got to m. Universitet. I got off the minibus and dad with a child (and dad is such a seemingly intelligent) ... we went down into the passage, walk, and I saw the girl screw an ordinary light bulb into the base and something doesn’t work out for her and she says "oh, b ^ & "...
And then the daughter asks her father:
- Dad, what is "B ^ & ???"
The father, thinking probably from the second 2, answers:
- This, dotsya, is your mother ...

During the years of stagnation, I happened to work at an enterprise with a strict access control.
Once an employee Vova was detained at the checkpoint - he tried to take out a bottle of alcohol. The security chief handed him a pen and paper. "Write an explanatory note where the alcohol comes from."
Some time later, the beginning. guards came out with a completely stunned look and said: "Every x..nu had to read, but this!"
The explanatory story described a touching story of how Vova wiped the contacts in radio devices with alcohol and he ran out of alcohol. The storekeeper did not give him any more due to overruns.
And then Vova went home at lunchtime, brought a bottle of alcohol, which he had once bought at the pharmacy for his second aunt. He partially used this alcohol, and carried the rest home.
Outwardly, at the time of his arrest, Vova looked like this: a red face, dull eyes, and a terrible exhaust.

Proofread on the Internet.
“During my time at the factory practice, a wonderful incident happened. There were two buildings side by side at this factory, and in the first of them the men's toilet was on the second floor, and in the parallel building the women's toilet was on the third. The buildings were new and the windows in the toilets were not yet they managed to cover them up with white paint according to the custom of the time, which allowed the female part of the collective to observe the male half with impunity and vividly discuss their merits and even more so shortcomings.
When the peasants saw through this business, one of the hard workers - a little peasant - did the following. He cut a healthy piece power cable, took off the shell from it and painted it in flesh color. Waiting for the moment when the audience gathered, the little man put the cable in his pants and went to the toilet.
You should have seen the faces of the women who were taken aback when the man pulled out a piece of this caliber from his pants! To top it off, he did the following: "having relieved himself," he shook off the "dick" with a powerful blow thereof on the plywood partition in the outhouse.
All the men almost died with laughter, and the culprit after this incident became terribly popular at the plant among the female half of the team ... "

There was a case today.
A patient with obesity came to seeks to reduce weight. In addition to talking about the diet, there was something like this dialogue with her:
- Do you have any simulator at home?
- There is a treadmill, but only a dog runs on it.
- And what does she like?
- No, but if you tie and turn on the track - it runs ...
- Why are you doing this?
- So after all, a shepherd dog needs to run 5 km a day! And we can't walk so much with her.
- I think I understand what your problem is ...

(Oleg Udovichenko)

What do you know about love !!! I remember once my husband woke me up with a tender kiss and asked: "Do you remember what day it is?" "Of course! - I report cheerfully, - today the horses are playing with" Partizan "!!!".
It turned out to be our 10th wedding anniversary.
But before marriage, I did not distinguish a penalty from a corner kick.

Pre-perestroika Moscow. Northern River Station. Walking with a friend. We look at the ships bringing tourists to Moscow, the port of five seas.
An ice cream maker is standing, selling delicious ice cream in 20 kopeck cups from a mobile tray. There is a girl standing in line in front of us - ruddy, rich, pretty, healthy and fresh all over her body. Obviously not a Muscovite.
The ice cream maker works quickly. He opens a box, 40 cups, pours wooden sticks and sells, putting a stick to each glass.
And now the turn of the dear guest of the capital comes, she comes up to the tray and, with an indescribable sweet common talk, asks:
- Tell me, is this plombir?
- Seal, seal, - the saleswoman politely agrees.
- Well, give me then please, - stretches a dozen.
- How many? the saleswoman asks.
- Box!
Blushing even more, the girl leaves, looking at the box with such love, which, alas, I have rarely seen in women's eyes.
And then some witty man from the line asks her:
- Hey, beauty, do you need sticks?
She stops and a slight thoughtfulness, which does not suit her at all, darkens her brow for a second, but only for a second. Then she turns to the saleswoman:
- Yes, give ... One ...

“Whatever they do, it’s not going
Apparently on Monday their mother gave birth ... "

A friend of mine, during the Soviet deficit, snatched a terribly scarce Polish closet for bribes and acquaintances. The wardrobe, as it should be at that time, was dark, varnished. They brought him home with a friend. And they began to collect.
What it means to assemble a Polish wardrobe is another story. Not only was it absolutely not going to do anything, but the owner's 4-year-old daughter was terribly in the way with her help. So that she somehow lagged behind them, she was told: "Natasha, here we are going to collect the locker and let you play with the hammer." Natasha sat down in the corner of the room and began to wait for what was promised.
After 4 hours of struggle with the furniture industry of brotherly Poland, the wardrobe found required forms and Natasha received the promised hammer. A family friend shows Natasha that this hammer can be used to knock on the floor, hammering in carnations.
At this moment, my mother enters the room and says that a Saturday lunch awaits the workers in the kitchen with all the ensuing consequences ...
The men retire to the kitchen, where they culturally wash the assembled cupboard. They talk decorously, the whole conversation proceeds against the background of Natasha's hammering on the floor.
Two hours later, a friend is going home and offers to put the cabinet in place. Men enter the room ... The wardrobe, around the perimeter, exactly to the height of Natasha's height, is tapped with this very hammer.
The next weekend, the closet was painted and taken to the dacha, where it still lives.

One day a drunken officer was on duty at the Admiralty. Paul I, noticing this, ordered the arrest of the offender.
“According to the charter, before you arrest me, you must replace me at the post,” the officer said to those who had come to carry out the order of the sovereign.
“He’s drunk better than we sober knows his business,” the emperor said when he was told what had happened.
And he promoted an officer to the rank.

Teenagers are sitting on benches in the park. Already like adults, rasping, with beer, all the cases. They discuss all passers-by, especially girls.
A pretty person is walking by, but, alas, with slightly crooked legs. Not by a wheel, of course, and no one would have paid much attention, but ... there is always a keen goat. The guys already forgot about beer:
"Gee, girl, you must be so f @ # li yesterday that your legs do not come together! Ha ha!"
Girl - Clever - without slowing down:
"After your stubble, it won't come together by itself."
Can you imagine their faces?

I touch my son's freckles with my finger, I say: - The sun kissed you ...
He, sullenly like this: - And my grandmother tells me cockroaches obosr @ whether ...

A brother describes his car on the phone to a potential buyer:
"... and on the front bumper there is a dent the size of a human head" ...
The client did not make an appointment.

A friend told how he met a girl in one pub to create a strong bond for the night, or how it goes ..
He is a simple man. And in relationships, he also loves simplicity. He came up and introduced himself.
- Sergei.
“I'm glad,” the girl said.
She was even more pleased with the mojito, tequila boom and other gifts from the bar.
Needless to say, the connection turned out to be strong, strong. Until the very evening of the next day. Saying goodbye, she once again said that she was glad.
- Well, still, - thought Sergei. And then I figured it out. Now she thinks - before leaving, she introduced herself again, or was she sincere? Or maybe she was ironic ...
Suffering ...

This story took place during what is now called "stagnant".
In one city, N, they decided to build a swimming pool. And since I wanted to have a good pool, the Finns were contracted to build it.
The result was not long in coming: a handsome pool, the pride of the city, grew up strictly on schedule.
All the "city fathers" came to its opening: the first secretary of the city committee, early. police, prosecutor, etc. etc. The Finns were also invited - the president of the construction company that built the pool, with his retinue.
Undress means everyone, swim, get pleasure ...
Suddenly our "city fathers" begin to wonder: "Something around them, the water begins to turn into purple colour?!"
And the Finns swim a little to the side and smile embarrassed ...
It turned out all later: it turns out, according to their Finnish technology, a special reagent (substance) is added to the water in the pool. It (the STE substance), when it comes into contact with urine, colors the water in a lilac color ...

It was a couple of years ago.
At one biker party, a guy from Vorkuta cried loudly that they had all the ringers from the zone, and so they wanted to make a real cool biker tattoo ...
Three Kolshchikov immediately showed up. The boy says that there are not many attendants with him, and he takes out a huge bag of grass ... The guys did not object, but first they decided to try the grass.
The grass was deadly tight. They sat down at 4 o'clock, woke up the next morning from the animal roar of the Vorkuta. He looked like a Dalmatian dog, instead of spots they were pricked ... Cheburashkas ... Then the whole day Cheburashkas were redrawn into skulls ...
PS: And skulls with ears are cool!

I have been engaged in wedding photography and video shooting for over ten years. During this time, in front of my eyes and the eyes of my colleagues, there have been many funny and, at times, sad episodes that could easily have been avoided. As the saying goes, he who is forewarned is armed!
First story.
The newlyweds are greeted at the doorstep of the restaurant. They offer to bite off a piece of loaf. "Whoever bites off more will be the head of the family!" As a result, the bride has a dislocated jaw, and while this jaw is being adjusted in the department of maxillofacial surgery, the groom and his boyfriend sit in the emergency room and drink beer.
Later history repeated, but then the wedding toastmaster herself acted in the role of the bride (they also sometimes get married) and again the loaf's bite, which ended in a dislocated jaw. I have known her for a long time and she does not like to remember this episode.

The second story.
After the bride is bought out, the cortege goes to the registry office. Behind the wheel of the lead car is the groom himself. Friends ask to show wedding rings with diamonds made by special order. The groom, without being distracted from the road, gives the rings to his kunaks. Upon arrival at the registry office, they cannot be found. Suspect each other best friends and don't try.
It turns out that after "walking around" the box with the rings somehow (through the efforts of one friend) ended up lying in a pile of garbage in the back seat (a bottle of champagne, chocolate wrappers, banana skins, etc ...
How good he is - silence, no TV or telephone. I brought textbooks and notes and decided to prepare here for the session.
Then he thought about it and invited his girlfriend Masha.
In this insidious silence, we failed the session, but our daughter was born.

There was a case in the glorious city of Minsk - a wire break. I'm home, but trolleybuses don't go. At the roundabout, where I wanted to sit, a huge crowd of people ran over and I decided to be more cunning - I went to a stop in front of the roundabout.
The trolleybus did come, but I discovered that there were people who were more cunning - they went two stops and now they were sitting like that. I stood up, holding on to the handrail, near a seated, mighty woman with a mighty chest.
At the roundabout, a stream burst into the trolleybus. I could hardly hold onto the handrail, but then some big man crushed me from behind and a terrible thing happened - my hands came off the handrail and, looking for support, rested on mighty breasts.
I expected that an explosion of emotions would follow, looked up and ... saw the satisfied, diffused smile of a sultry woman. They pressed me from behind, there was no way to remove my hands from my breasts - and so they drove - I, like a child, held on to my chest, the lady smiled.
But the worst thing happened when the workers got into the trolleybus after the shift - they pushed me and I sat down on the lady's lap. She only sighed languidly.
Imagine a situation - a 23-year-old goof is sitting on a lady's lap and holding on to his chest. This spectacle amused the whole trolleybus. Jokes-jokes began, including from a sultry woman (she turned out to be without complexes), I tried to get up, but was literally nailed to her.
So we got there - fun, with jokes ...

Yesterday I walked past an office building, a traffic cop came out and walked in the direction of BMW X3. Here, I think, a creature, a bribe taker, I have to work on such a machine for half my life. And he suddenly turns off and walks along the parked cars. I even felt a little ashamed - maybe normal person maybe even almost honest. Sadly it goes, and his muzzle does not seem to be very impudent.
In the meantime, a guy walks about fifty meters and gets into a BMW X6.
And you know, sometimes I want to think well about them, but X6 strongly undermines this desire ...