I am 19 years old and I am studying at the University. It was always difficult for me to establish contacts with people. But it’s impossible to say that I don’t know how to do this: I have friends whom I met at master classes in my profession, I have friends at work, there are online friends, I communicate with several girls from other faculties.
At school, I was an outcast from grades 1 to 11, from grades 1 to 9 I did not know at all what a friendly relationship was. I thought it was my own fault. Then I went to several circles, then to preparatory courses, gradually the situation was getting better. I realized that I can be friends. I thought that when I graduated from high school, the outcast would end.
But I entered the University - and it began! At first everything was fine, the girls and I walked together to the metro, walked. They called me somewhere several times - I refused. From day 1 it was clear that we had a complete mismatch of interests. I am interested in study and future career, and they want to take a walk. One girl tried to make me addicted to fashionable clothes, but I am not interested in outfits. They talk about guys, about sex, about a wedding, about a future family, and I have a career in first place. They love shopping, but I don’t.
I don't remember when it started. I don't remember how it started. I think it started gradually. But by the end of the 1st course, they stupidly ignored me, did not invite me to birthdays, did not like my photos. I can't ask anyone for notes. They make stupid claims to me: "Don't ask questions, you're interfering with us!" or "Don't look for a teacher if 40 minutes or more have passed! If you didn't, you would go home." They laugh at me openly, not particularly embarrassed by my presence. And in general, when I am silent, I am an empty place for them!
Maybe the problem is with me? Maybe I provoke them? But I want to correct my guilt! And if not me, then who is to blame?
Alas, it will not be possible to make friends with them. But what to do? How to maintain neutrality? And how not to become an outcast in the next team?

Hello Olga!
Who do you want to become in the next team? Do you want to communicate with people? Do you want to communicate with those who are very different from you and do not share your values? The intonation of your letter gives the impression that you feel like a being of a higher class than your classmates. You are interested in study and career - that is why you enter the university; and girls are more concerned with personal life and realization in relationships and in the family.
If your hobby for shopping is a sign of underdevelopment, then why is the sympathy and disposition of underdeveloped creatures important to you? It looks like there is some kind of internal contradiction here. On the one hand, you feel that your behavior is more reasonable and correct, on the other hand, like any person (people are social beings), you need communication, understanding, and friendship. Neutrality is a compromise between these conflicting motives, and I don't think it will truly satisfy your needs for communication and acceptance. Working with a psychologist will help you resolve this contradiction.

Best regards, Elena Livach, psychologist, St. Petersburg.

Olga, you need to choose this team FOR YOURSELF, and not build yourself up for the team. I agree that it is difficult to select the entire team at the university. But it will be easier to do this later at work, choosing a company, including by who works there, if you put yourself and your needs in the center, and not the "social order" of other people.

And now - I'm more than sure that there are a couple of "white crows" in your faculty. They are always there - take a closer look. Why would you try to fit into a group of "regular" girls? Find the same "outcasts" - they are likely to be much more interesting to you than the "majority".

But for some reason you are trying to adapt to this majority. Apparently, you are not completely sure that "everything is all right" with you? And for some reason you feel guilty for not being liked by the majority. Should you? Who told you and when that you should be "rated" by the majority, and only then will you be considered "socially suitable"? This is not true. Read this training, there are many answers to your questions:

http://psyhelp24.ru/kak-zavodit-dryzei/

Best regards, Anton Nesvitsky, psychologist St. Petersburg

Hello Olga.

The problem of your peculiar role in the team that you are writing about is very serious. And this problem, based on your letter, has existed for a long time. One thing is for sure - without noticing it yourself, you are doing something, somehow provoking others that such an attitude towards you arises again. Apparently you are accustomed to just such a role in the team. Why? There can be many reasons for this, and this needs to be seriously investigated.
Are you asking what to do, how not to become an outcast in the next team? It is impossible to give an answer and a universal recommendation right away so that the problem does not become in an instant. I think that if you decide for yourself that you need to solve this problem, then you should talk to a specialist psychologist. Then it will be possible not only to understand the reasons, to avoid a similar situation in the next teams, but also to change your current relationship at the University.

Respectfully yours, psychologist Alexey Bogintsev (St. Petersburg)

This is most likely a consequence of emotional trauma, which created a barrier between you and other people. On an unconscious level, a decision was made to keep a distance from other people, most likely for protection purposes.

You can remove this in any case. It may take only 1-2 sessions with a specialist, or maybe much more, it all depends on the depth of the problem and how it was formed. Was there a single unpleasant incident that led to such a result - or is it a systematic pattern of interaction with loved ones, which originated very early.

From practical advice - master the method of DPDG - information is on the Internet, and work out your unpleasant states using this method. There is also a rather exotic method described in the books on EFT by Harry Craig and Fred Gallo.

I will be hosting a reception in St. Petersburg on December 7-8 - you can contact me. Even in 1-2 times, you can achieve significant success, up to the complete elimination of the problem. As I said, a lot depends on the circumstances - but it will become easier anyway. My phone is on my page on the site.

In any case, I wish you every success.

Goloshchapov Andrey Viktorovich, psychologist Saratov

Most contemporaries suffering from depression, obsessive fears and complexes tend to look for the causes of their abnormal state in the influence of negative environmental factors. Adults often do not even suspect that the real culprits of today's problems are children's psychological trauma... Indeed, most of the events of a young age have lost their relevance over time, crises and difficulties have lost their urgency, and those transferred in childhood are rather vaguely represented in memory. However, not perceived at the conscious level, the consequences of childhood psychotraumas are quite firmly rooted in the subconscious, creating a specific "life program" of the individual.

Causes of childhood psychotraumas

The question of what can cause psychological trauma in adolescents and children cannot be answered objectively and unambiguously, since the interpretation and significance of any event for a person has purely individual criteria. However, it can be argued that the fragile psyche of a small person is much more susceptible to the negative effects of the environment. What a mature person would consider an insignificant and surmountable obstacle would be a tremendous catastrophe for a child.

The only objective criterion for assessing unfavorable circumstances in a child's life may be a combination of factors: the significance of the event for the child and the strength of the emotional reaction in response to this phenomenon. Childhood psychological trauma is a traumatic event that the child interprets as vital. These are the phenomena about which he is strongly and for a long time worried. Those circumstances that deprive peace of mind, mental balance and require dramatic changes in thinking and behavior.

Research conducted by psychologists among children and adolescents suggests that the most difficult events for a small personality are:

• moral, physical, sexual violence;
• death of a close relative;
• own illness or illness of the parents;
• divorce of parents, departure of one of the adults from the family;
• unexpected disruption of family relationships;
• sudden alienation of a parent from a child;
• betrayal, deception, injustice on the part of relatives, authoritative adults and friends;
• disappointment, dissatisfaction with unfulfilled hopes;
• education by immoral adults;
• growing up in an asocial atmosphere, both in the family and in the team;
• overprotection or lack of parental attention;
• "Oscillatory" strategy for raising a child, the lack of a unified approach among parents regarding the requirements for the baby;
• a quarrel with a close friend on his initiative;
• a situation when a child feels like an outcast of society;
• conflict in the educational team;
• unfair treatment, pressure from authoritarian teachers;
• excessive workload of the child with educational and extracurricular activities.

There is a version that childhood trauma is a frequent consequence of the wrong strategy for raising a child. The result of non-constructive life stereotypes existing in adults, which are passed on to the descendant "by inheritance." According to this point of view, children adopt from their parents on a subconscious level the formed directives regarding the rules of life: how to live, how to behave correctly, how to react in specific situations. Toddlers unconsciously inherit the destructive "rules of the game" established by their parents, and in an aggravated form.

A lot of such negative attitudes have been described that create the basis for childhood psychotraumas and poison the life of a person in adulthood. Here are some of these parental guidelines.

Directive 1. "It would be better if you weren't born."

Parents tirelessly inform the offspring of how many difficulties arose after his birth. They provide evidence of how much energy it takes to grow up. The child's interpretation follows: "It is better for me to die so that the parents will stop suffering."

Adults constantly point out how wonderful, smart, capable other children are, and how talentless and stupid their own child is. This leads to the fact that the little person begins to be ashamed of his individuality, tries to merge with the faceless crowd, runs away from himself, putting on “masks” that are comfortable for adults.

Directive 3. "You are already an adult, and you behave like a child."

Parents say that it's time for their descendant to grow wiser, grow up and give up childishness. They say that he behaves very stupidly, like a baby, and in fact it is time for him to go to school. As a result, the child is deprived of the most beautiful - childhood with age-appropriate desires, needs, games.

Directive 4. "You will always be small for us."

Such parents are very afraid that their baby will grow up someday and lead an independent life. They all sorts of suppress his attempts to grow up, inhibiting him at the level of development of a preschooler. As a result, a person simply loses the ability to think and act independently.

Directive 5. "Stop dreaming and start acting."

Adults deprive the baby of the natural necessity - to fantasize, dream, make plans. This simply kills the opportunity for the future to consider the problem from different points of view. As a result of one-sided thinking, a person commits a lot of irreparable stupidity.

Directive 6. "Stop whining and become cold-blooded."

The order: "Stop expressing your emotions" is similar to the command: "Stop feeling." As a result, a person drives his feelings and experiences deep into the subconscious, subsequently acquiring various mental problems.

Directive 7. "You can not trust anyone."

Parents give examples that all people around them are deceivers, liars and scammers. A person from an early age is accustomed to the fact that any contact is fraught with fatal consequences. As a result, he closes in on himself, because the world around him is hostile and dangerous.

Why are children's psychological traumas dangerous: the consequences

The psychological trauma of childhood significantly slows down the process of human socialization. It becomes difficult for a child to make friends, make new contacts, and adapt to the conditions of a new team.

From childhood, the soil is formed for the development of obsessive fears, for example: in which a person is simply afraid of the human community. Childhood trauma gives rise to a variety of depressive disorders, in which a global sense of self-guilt destroys a person's entire life. and he takes a kind of "defensive" action.

Unresolved problems of childhood lead to the formation of - abnormal addictions, including alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, computer addiction. The psychological trauma of childhood is reflected in adulthood in the form of food abnormalities: binge eating disorder or anorexia nervosa.

In addition to the above, the statement is true: all personality complexes are the result of trauma experienced at a young age. It is in childhood that certain character traits are formed, which, under an unfavorable coincidence of circumstances, reach the size of accentuations and take the form of various personality disorders.

How to help your child cope with trauma: psychological help

The most important advice to all parents is to acquire a decent level of psychological and pedagogical knowledge, to choose the correct strategy for raising a descendant, devoid of destructive stereotypes. The task of the parents is to create a comfortable ground for the development and formation of the personality, to provide any assistance in the child's competent overcoming of the difficulties that have arisen. Do not ignore the baby's experiences, but become a reliable companion to whom the child will be able to tell his worries without fear and doubt. Avoid letting go of situations where changes in the child's behavior become apparent.

At the slightest signs of the development of psychological trauma, you should visit a psychologist, and jointly work out an adequate program aimed at restoring mental balance in a small person. Today, a lot of psychotherapeutic measures have been developed for children, which allow them to develop the child's ability to live a full life, remove barriers imposed from the outside and put an end to destructive thinking stereotypes inherent in the social environment.

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Psychological stress

Most ordinary people regard stress as negative, painful experiences caused by insoluble difficulties, insurmountable obstacles, unfulfilled hopes ...

There are situations when it seems that the whole world is up in arms against you. Failures in personal life, problems at work, friends disappeared somewhere or they did not exist at all ... How not to start thinking that this is a universal conspiracy, global injustice, malicious intent or punishment?

Who are the outcasts?

In any team there is always a group of leaders to whom everyone is drawn, communication with whom is considered an honor, a privilege. Outcasts are the exact opposite. They do not like such people, they do not want to communicate with them, they try to humiliate, offend. Moreover, many do this not so much out of personal hostility as in obedience to herd feelings. The main problem of outcasts of all times and peoples is that the longer this label hangs on a person, the more difficult it is for him to get rid of it. Therefore, having realized once (or several times) that the team is avoiding you, it is better to immediately take measures to get rid of this very burdensome stigma. How exactly, we will find out during the conversation.

For what kind of "merits" a child can be "written" into the ranks of outcasts? Often due to some physical imperfections (squint, stuttering, excess weight, lameness ...) Alas, children are sometimes cruel ...

But here you should immediately make a reservation that this happens only if the child himself feels defective, if he is very worried about one reason or another. You can help compensate for a physical disability by identifying some advantages. The child simply cannot but have them. It is on them that parents should always focus. Simply put, a first grader weighing 60 kilograms is unlikely to become an object of ridicule if he is friendly (shares a pen, treats him with candy, gives to cheat, download the game to his mobile phone), is witty (accurately and instantly reacts to a phrase or a certain situation), knows how for himself stand. But if from the very first day a fat man crammed into the last desk and answers the teacher out of place, and at breaks in the corner alone there are sandwiches and silently puff in response to some caustic remark, then his chance of becoming an outcast is significantly increased.

Of course, appearance plays an important role in the popularity rating, but not the main one. Children who are favored by their peers tend to have more friends, are more energetic, outgoing, open and kind than those who are rejected. Popularity is also influenced by academic success, athletic performance, and a neat appearance.

The fate of the outcasts can overtake not only the withdrawn or poorly performing. They do not like "upstarts" - those who all the time strive to seize the initiative, give orders, beggar, or those who go against the class, for example, refuses to run away from the lesson. There is even a kind of portrait gallery of "outcasts" - types of rejected children who fall under the regular ridicule and attacks of their peers.

Unpopular

Quiet people who do not know how to initiate communication, gray mice who do not know how to attract the attention of classmates - no one rushes to such a child happily after the holidays, does not notice his absence in the classroom. They may not even say hello to him. This is not bullying, but it hurts no less.

Embittered

Those who, failing to establish contact with classmates, begin to behave as if they are taking revenge on others for their failures.

"Jester" or "scapegoat"

A category of children trying to attract attention at any cost. They can shout out different jokes in the lesson, deliberately drop something, fall, put on something backwards ... Often these children are subsequently blamed for all the failures of the class, blamed on other people's tricks.

"Sticking"

The one who constantly imposes himself on others, wedges himself into the conversation, climbs to hug ...

"Favorite"

Usually, children do not like peers who are singled out by a teacher or educator. Especially if they cannot understand why the “favorite” is better than them.

In the senior grades, social outcasts sometimes appear (they often come from another school) - children who are not like the others, who do not fit into the generally accepted canons, people of the “on their own” type. They do not care at all, they have their own social circle, their own interests. Their opinion, actions, train of thought do not depend on anyone. They may or may not feel like outcasts due to the fact that this society is, in principle, of little interest to them, they are there due to circumstances and, by and large, they do not care what he thinks of them. In the latter case, it is impossible to talk about some kind of psychological trauma inflicted by peers.

It's another matter if a person suffers from loneliness, wants to be friends ... Why are there so few people around who want to lend a hand to him? The main problem of outcasts is the lack of lightness, the inability to forgive, and getting stuck on little things. Even if such a person at some point, out of an excess of feelings, is ready to give you the last shirt, then, most likely, he will soon become angry at his own frankness and close again.

Where does this pathological urge to hide inward all the time come from? In other words, where does the problem grow from?

Typically, feelings of rejection originate in the family. In some families there is an unwritten tradition of appointing a child as the "scapegoat". Dad has problems at work - his irritation is taken out on his son. Mom and Dad do not have a relationship - again he is to blame (there is always a formal reason for spanking).

It also happens that parents place some special expectations on the child - for example, they want a boy to be born, or that he certainly becomes a doctor or an outstanding athlete. And a girl is born, and even absolutely indifferent to parental preferences ... Mom (dad) cannot accept disappointment and demonstrate it to the child in every possible way. And in this case, a fear settles in his soul that no one needs him the way he is, self-respect and self-esteem fall to an extremely low level.

The child gets stuck in resentment, negative expectations, alertness, closeness or aggression. Such children (and subsequently adults) are very vulnerable and too dependent on the love and recognition of others. Their early experience suggests that socializing with other people is very painful. Pain is what every outcast fears more than anything else. You will say that everyone is afraid of pain. Yes, they are. But at the same time they are friends, and love, and are disappointed, and learn to experience betrayal. Outcasts, on the other hand, have a hypertrophied fear of pain, and often they feel it in situations that others would not pay attention to. As a result, outcasts can become isolated in loneliness, avoiding any communication.

WHAT IS THE NATURE OF REJECTION?

Each drama has a clear distribution of roles. In a bullying situation, there are always instigators (instigators), persecutors, and the victims themselves (sometimes outside observers also join). Usually, one or two people in the class will initiate the bullying. For some reason, they did not like someone, and they begin to tease, bully, ridicule, defiantly avoid, not accept. Most children see them as a strong personality, but in fact, in most cases, ringleaders are affirmed at the expense of others, being very insecure.

According to Alfred Adler, "often an inferiority complex lurks behind a superiority complex that serves as compensation." However, it happens that quite prosperous children also become the instigators. They are so confident in their unsurpassed uniqueness that they consider themselves entitled to taunt others and persecute peers who did not please them. This position is largely due to the position of their parents, who believe that an unwanted person can and should be removed from the team. Very indicative in this regard is Zheleznyakov's story "Just a few days" and the film "Scarecrow" based on it.

It happens that among classmates there are also defenders of the victim. Sometimes the appearance of a defender can radically change the situation (especially if there are several defenders or their opinion in the class is considered) - most of the persecutors leave the outcast alone, the conflict fades away at the very beginning.

Sometimes the outcast's protector becomes an outcast himself. For example, when, obeying the will of the teacher, a child is forced to sit at the same desk with an outcast, then he can gradually become the object of ridicule, unless he begins to actively take part in the bullying of a neighbor on the desk.

HOW DO I UNDERSTAND THAT A CHILD HAS BEEN AN OBJECT OF BALLET?

Unlike adults, children are very open about their attitude towards those they don't like. People don't like people for one simple reason - they are different.

If your son or daughter is reluctant to go to the kindergarten or school, do not talk about their pastime there, if they return depressed, if they have few friends in the class (or not at all) - all this should be immediately taken into account and rushed to help. Failed relationships with the team (or a specific member of it) can provoke psychosomatic illness. In order not to face a psychoemotional problem, the body prefers to "get sick and stay at home" in time. By the way, this is also a signal for parents. If all of a sudden the child develops symptoms of a cold, or begins to have a headache, stomach, and this happens systematically, you should talk to him about the relationship in the class.

WHAT IS THE THREAT OF HERE?

A person is a social being, and from how he learns to create connections, his future life will largely depend, and often such an important factor as success. Fear of communication lives in outcasts, and it is felt. And yet you need to get out, look for normal people and be able to forgive those who humiliated and hurt.

But the sad consequences of bullying can manifest themselves much faster. And pour out into the desperate actions of the child victim. For example, theft. A rejected person can steal money at home (or somewhere else), buy sweets for them and give them to other children, in order to buy their love, friendship, good attitude.

The child may start to lie. Not finding in the real world something that can increase its value, an unpopular child or children with some developmental disabilities come up with something that can make a beneficial impression on others. They brag about non-existent relatives who possess something that is considered prestigious in the given company. This can be, for example, a banker uncle, a unique retro car in dad's garage, Madonna's dress bought by mom at an auction in America, which she does not allow anyone to show. Fantasy is fantasy, but, as a rule, children still expose lies, and this does not add to the popularity of the liar.

Well, and the worst consequence of bullying: regular bullying can provoke a suicide attempt or an attempt on the life of one of the persecutors.

HOW TO HELP?

Can the situation be reversed? Can. Most people are resilient enough. Each of us from time to time encounters someone's hostility, each has to defend himself in conflicts. This is how we get to know ourselves and others, learn to be friends, to defend our interests. For those we consider outcasts, it is more difficult: their ability to adapt is reduced due to constant stress. Outcast children, especially at a younger age, certainly need the help of an adult who can see in a little man his best features, hidden talents, abilities, and believe in him. This can be a parent, relative, psychologist, teacher, coach. But he must be found, because it is very, very difficult to get out of such a situation on his own.

Don't underestimate the importance of children's popularity. This is often one of the determinants of how well a child does in school and how happy he is there. Social development is the cradle of intellectual development. Children who do not have friends at school are unlikely to go there with pleasure.

If your child complains about being teased, there are some helpful tips you can give them:

Do not react in any way(ignore, ignore).

It is quite difficult to do this, but the method is effective. For example: "Owl, Owl!" - calls a classmate. Do not respond until you address by name, pretend that you do not understand who is being addressed. To say: “I'm used to being called Sasha. I do not understand that you are addressing me. "

Respond outside the box.

The one who calls names expects to receive a certain reaction from the victim (resentment, anger, etc.). Therefore, the unusual behavior of the victim can confuse him. In response to the same “Owl! Owl!" you can answer something like this: "Yes, my mother also thinks that I am somewhat similar to an owl, I see the best at night, and I like to sleep in the morning." And you can not get annoyed (as usual), but answer amiably: “Yes, I am an Owl in the 10th generation! So they teased my great-grandfather and his great-great-grandfather. "

By the way, parents can talk at home with their child about how often children in a team call each other names, distorting names, remember how they once called them names, try together to make a nickname from their (or someone else's) surname, determine who will come up with a more original ... Then the child will not react so painfully to the nicknames of peers.

Explain.

Those. calmly say to a calling peer: "I am very offended to hear this", "Why do you want to offend me?"

Don't, let yourself be manipulated.

Often, with the help of name-calling, children try to get a peer to do something. Everyone knows the "take on weak" technique. In front of everyone, the child is told that he does not do something, because he is a coward, a slob, etc. The child's choice remains, downright unenviable: either to do what they demand (often break some rules or expose himself to danger), or remain a coward in the eyes of those around him.

The best option is to take your time. Weigh the pros and cons in each specific situation and understand what is more important: to prove something to others or to maintain self-respect.

To dissuade.

Sometimes such a seemingly primitive technique as an excuse is very effective. It is clear that it is designed for young children. The trick is that the last word in this case remains with the victim.

Here are examples of a few excuses:

"Who calls names - he himself is called that!"

Fatrest!

Nice to meet you, and my name is Petya.

"There was a crocodile, he swallowed your word, and left mine!"

At the same time, the tone should be left calm, benevolent, trying to reduce the conversation to a joke.

If the situation with rejection arose before adolescence, then parents can talk with an adult (teacher, educator) who enjoys authority in the children's team. Ask him to pay more attention to your child in front of the others, give instructions, do not forget to praise (for the cause!). If such a problem has arisen with a teenager, then parents should always remain on his side, remind him of his merits more often, improve self-esteem by assigning some tasks.

You should not run and take revenge on the child's offenders right away. It is important that the son (daughter) understand that the family is their home, the fortress, there is always light and warmth, but they still have to learn to stand up for themselves.

When talking about outcasts and bullying, the question always arises: why are some children sociable, brave, while others are shy, timid, indecisive? Because nature has created each person unique and each child from birth has its own characteristics, strengths and weaknesses that can compensate for each other. In addition to the natural temperament, a number of factors influence the formation of increased anxiety and shyness in a child, mainly events and relationships in the family.

To solve the problem of children's "clogging", you should adhere to several rules:

1. The main thing is to love and support the child as he is. Try to understand his feelings, the reasons for his actions. Share the child's personality and behavior. Each of us sometimes may not be up to par, from this we do not become "weaklings", "inept", "dumb". Such labels reduce the self-esteem of any person, undermine his confidence in his own strength. The child should feel accepted and appreciated regardless of their success.

2 ... Do not compare your child with other children, emphasize his merits and successes.

3 ... Don't rush the child. A shy, timid kid needs a certain time to get to know each other, to take a closer look, to understand the laws that operate in a new situation, be it a group of peers, a new teacher, a new apartment. Only by making sure that nothing threatens him there, he will be able to more easily adapt to new conditions.

4. Don't ignore your child's fears. To say "there is nothing wrong here" is meaningless. You need to make the child feel safe. And what better drives away fear than mother's affection, mother's closeness?

5 ... It is not wise to shout at children or in the presence of children. Screaming is a sign of helplessness.

6 ... If an adult addresses an anxious child, he must establish eye contact: this instills confidence in the child's soul.

7 ... Try to create situations for the child where he could show his talents, dignity, in order to gain self-confidence and earn the respect of peers. For example, you can have holidays at home and invite classmates to them. In a comfortable environment, a shy child will feel more confident, and this will give him the opportunity to change the opinion of his friends about him.

8 ... Strive for your child's development. The more he knows and is able, the more confident he will feel.

ADULT OUTLANDS

If we are talking about adults who are faced with the problem of rejection of the collective, then the first thing to do is to realize why society does not accept you. If it works out, try to independently change the very boundaries into which the outcast does not fit, to declare your right to individuality.

Another option is to understand those around you: their values, motives, incentives, moral and ethical principles. And try to change your behavior in such a way that it does not contradict generally accepted norms in the team.

If the fear of being ridiculed or rejected has become a serious obstacle to getting out of loneliness, you can analyze what you are afraid of and imagine the most catastrophic scenario for the development of a relationship, and then evaluate its realistic. Well, you can also change jobs by continuing to search for an environment that will actually turn out to be very comfortable, and then the problem will be solved by itself.

There are some practical tips that will most likely help you avoid the sad fate of social outcast.

So:

Learn to understand yourself and others - feelings, motives, motives;

Learn to adequately express your thoughts, desires, feelings. Remember that constant concessions and irresponsibility, as well as aggression, are equally destructive for a relationship;

Work on self-confidence. It will definitely pay off;

Learn the "technique of sympathy": Watch your appearance, gestures, timbre of voice - most often people around get information about us from these sources. Call the interlocutor by name, be friendly;

Master the art of engaging conversation and compliments.

And most importantly, do not lose hope.

Olga Shcherbakova spoke with family psychologist Tatyana Potemkina

Childhood psychological trauma

The goal of any psychotherapy is to help drop the past, good or bad, and drop the future, good or bad, just to be. To be means to develop your uniqueness, your ability to be alive, to all who you are, here and now. (With)
/ Karl Whitaker /

Today we will talk about psychological trauma, sometimes, in everyday psychology, the consequences of these traumas are called "psychological complexes."

And first of all, we will focus on children's psychological trauma and what impact they have on later adult life.

Psychological trauma is a reactive mental formation (a reaction to events significant for a given person) that causes long-term emotional experiences and has a long-term psychological effect.

Causes of psychological trauma

Any event that is significant for a person can become the cause of an injury, and there are a huge number of sources:
Family conflicts.
1. Serious illness, death, death of family members.
2. Divorce of parents.
3. Overprotection on the part of the elders.
4. Coldness of intra-family relations and alienation.
5. Material and household disorder.

Does the person know about their psychological trauma? Knowledge alone is not enough. People seek psychological help regarding their negative experiences or non-constructive behaviors, but do not associate their current state with psychological trauma, especially for children.

In most cases, the traumatic effect is implicit, hidden.

As a rule, we are talking about the inability of the immediate environment, especially the mother, to provide the child with an atmosphere of trust and emotional security. A traumatic situation can be hidden behind an outwardly quite prosperous home environment, in particular, behind a situation of overprotection and hyperprotection, when no one even suspects that very important sensory and behavioral components are missing in the relationship between parents and children.

Significant parental figures themselves often suffer from various forms of personality disorders, constant conflicts in the family, tensions, signs of domestic and psychological violence impede full emotional interaction in the family and, as a result, the normal mental development of the offspring.

Life scenarios

And the famous psychologist Eric Berne proposed the idea of "Life scenarios" that dictate to us our actions and our behavior in general.

This is an unconscious life plan that we borrowed from our parents, and which gives us the illusion of control over the situation and life.

Usually to 7 years old, this scenario has already been laid, and in the future, a person builds his life largely due to the influence of this unconscious scenario. Solving his life problems, a person is forced to solve the problems of his parents, his grandparents. You need to understand that this is not a detailed exact copy of the generic script, but the general direction and constant work on the mistakes of your own and your ancestors.

This situation is exacerbated in childhood by directive messages from parents to their child when parents from "good intentions" instill in their child the installation of how to live.

Directive- This is a hidden order, implicitly formulated by the words or actions of the parent, for failure to comply with which the child will be punished.

Not explicitly (by flogging or slapping on the head, tacit blackmail or abuse), but indirectly - by their own sense of guilt towards the parent who gave this directive. Moreover, the child cannot understand the true reasons for his guilt without outside help. After all, it is fulfilling directives, he feels “good and correct”.

Negative attitudes (directives)

The main directive in which all others could be included is:
"Don't be yourself" ... A person with this directive is constantly dissatisfied with himself. Such people live in a state of painful internal conflict. The rest of the directives below explain this. Here are short examples of such directives (there are dozens of them and each of them can be analyzed in great detail):
"Don't live"... How many problems you brought us when you were born.
"Don't trust yourself" ... We know better what you need in this life.
"Don't be a kid". Be serious, don't rejoice. And a person, having become an adult, cannot learn to fully rest and relax, as he feels guilty for his “childhood” desires and needs. In addition, such a person has a tough barrier in communicating with children.
"Don't feel". This message can be conveyed by parents who are used to restraining their feelings themselves. The child learns to “not hear” the signals of his body and soul about possible troubles.
"Be the best". Otherwise, you cannot be happy. And since it is impossible to be the best in everything, then this child will not see happiness in life.
"You can not trust anyone - you really believe me!" ... The child learns that the world around him is hostile and only the cunning and treacherous survives in it.
"Don't!" ... As a result, the child is afraid to make any decisions on his own. Not knowing what is safe, he experiences difficulties, doubts and excessive fears at the beginning of each new business.

But how strongly do psychological trauma affect life today?

I will just give two examples that are supported by scientific research, although there is much more research. The World Health Organization has conducted a study among people who had any psychological trauma during childhood. It turned out that it is much more difficult for such people to make a career than those who did not have strong emotional upheavals in childhood.

It turns out that mental disorders in childhood lead to slowing down of human social development- it becomes more difficult for him to make friends, adapt to new teams and get along with people. According to Dr. Norito Kawakami of the University of Tokyo, who led the research team that conducted the study, the researchers found a clear relationship between childhood depression, lack of attention, physical or mental abuse, and low income levels in adulthood.

The experimental results are true for both men and women. The study interviewed nearly 40,000 people from 22 countries, aged 18 to 64. Scientists collected information on the level of income, social status, education of each respondent, and at the same time refined data on the state of mental health of the respondents, starting from birth. Indeed, childhood sorrows give rise to a desire to withdraw, isolate oneself from the world, and in most cases a successful career cannot be made in seclusion ...

Another study from BioMed Central Health Center and published in Substance Abuse Treatment, Prevention, and Policy. For example, a study led by Dr. Tara Strine showed that adverse childhood experiences, emotional, physical or sexual trauma, can cause development of nicotine addiction... Again, treatment of cigarette addiction should begin with the treatment of childhood trauma.

The study involved more than 7000 people, about 50% of whom are women. Taking into account previously identified risk factors, such as parental alcohol and smoking, physical and emotional trauma that occurred in childhood was reliably ranked first in the risk group. However, a similar picture was observed only in the female sample. So women with a history of traumatic childhood events, 1.4 times more often subject to this addiction. In men, the researchers believe there is a broader range of defense and compensatory mechanisms that have yet to be explored. The research results show that the mechanism provoking link between childhood trauma in women and tobacco cravings, is psychological stress. Those who have experienced emotional or physical abuse are especially at risk.

What to do with childhood psychological trauma?

We all come from childhood, therefore we carry a large number of painful experiences and unconscious wounds, which in every possible way will hinder the healthy harmonious development of a person's personality.

These experiences can be very different and are accompanied by various feelings: guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, inferiority, loss, distrust, meaninglessness of one's existence, etc. Feeling of pain "protects" from the awareness of these traumas, and a person sincerely considers this to be his character trait. Because awareness will lead to the need to revise and re-evaluate too many things in your life. Here fear appears, which consciously and unconsciously prevents healing, blocks it. A volitional effort will not get rid of such fear, because the payback for such an effort will be increased control, and the loss of one's vitality and vitality.

Many types of psychotherapy (including gestalt therapy) are aimed at helping a person develop their spontaneous ability to live, overcome barriers and stereotypes in the past.

A characteristic psychological feature of the Slavic mentality is that our people endure "to the last." Whatever happens, we will "courageously" endure, endure, keep to ourselves to the end. N. Tikhonov wrote about such people: “Nails would be made of these people! There would be no stronger nails in the world ”!!!

At a psychologist's appointment or in a psychological group, you can meet young women, broken by their psychological trauma, with faded faces, empty eyes and drooping shoulders. Some of them look completely lifeless, crushed, drained of blood. Others, on the other hand, are so restless and neurotically agitated that they are unable to concentrate on the actual state. But they all remember themselves different, not like the present and do not understand how they became like that.

Learn to take care of yourself

Internal psychological comfort is today one of the defining concepts of modern life. Turns out " you need to take care of yourself not only outside, but also inside. And the achievements of modern psychology allow you to do this quite easily and quickly (this is what we were deprived of until the 90s of the 20th century).

Unfortunately, many people in our country treat this with incomprehension and distrust, preferring to patiently suffer and suffer, believing that everything will pass by itself, thinking that only “psychos” go to psychologists, psychotherapists and psychoanalysts for treatment. But today, modern, smart people who experience certain personal and psychological problems turn to psychologists.

Today, with the help of a good specialist, you can completely free your inner world from unwanted, painful consequences:
- any emotional and mental trauma,
- any psycho-traumatic situation that took place in life (regardless of the statute of limitations),
- any heavy or acute psycho-emotional experiences or memories,
- any emotional shock.

Contact me for help, I will be glad to help you!

Comment on "Children's psychological trauma"

Each children's collective has its own outcasts. They are not invited to parties, played with them during recess, and are not given a shovel in the sandbox. Their psychological problems outcast child often remain for life.

There is a certain stereotype: unpopular children in the class, always enduring the ridicule of others, study well, stretch their hands to answer any teacher's question and get their legal "five". In reality, everything is exactly the opposite. Research by Eric S. Buhs has shown that children aged 5 to 11 who are rejected by their peers receive lower scores on educational tests than their classmates. Ostracism is present in all children's groups, even in the younger groups of kindergarten ... According to the observation of psychologists, both boys and girls are equally susceptible to it. At the same time, outcast children often develop psychological trauma and drop in academic performance. Professor Bachs found that children rejected by the collective in kindergarten are ostracized in school as well. Their performance in subjects such as reading and arithmetic leaves a lot to be desired.

Dr. Ted Feinberg, chairman of the US National Association for School Psychologists, says he is surprised and worried about the findings of Professor Bachs' research. "Most of the research on ostracism was done in high school," he says, "because it was believed that in younger children, due to the plasticity of their nervous systems, ostracism did not lead to significant psychological trauma." Now Dr. Feinberg is making guidelines for parents of young children. Here's what, in his opinion, should alert adults:

- the child is reluctant to go to school and is very happy about any opportunity not to go there;
- returns from school depressed;
- often cries for no obvious reason;
- never mentions any of his classmates;
- speaks very little about his school life;
- lonely: no one invites him to visit, on birthdays, and he does not want to invite anyone to him.
What to do when a child is rejected The first thing a parent should do in such cases, says Feinberg, is to take a deep breath and calm down. You shouldn't look for and punish the child's offenders yourself, but you can't passively wait for the situation to resolve itself. Better to think about why your child became an “outcast”?

Research by psychologist Rosalinda Weissman shows that bullying is primarily triggered by the victim's provocative behavior. Most often, children with poor social skills or suffering from some kind of physical disability - "not-like-like-everyone", become outcasts. The second reason most often leading to isolation is the aggressiveness of the child.

Psychologists believe that it is relatively easy to help - socialization training and / or reducing the level of aggression. Therefore, before the situation gets too far, says Dr. Feinberg, parents of children who are rejected by the collective should contact a school psychologist.

Irina Pavlenko
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