Vasily shukshin - "until the third cocks." Vasily Shukshin: Until the third cocks Until the first cocks shukshin

The tale of Ivan the Fool, how he went to distant lands to gain wisdom

Once in one library, in the evening, at about six o'clock, characters of Russian classical literature were arguing. Even when the librarian was there, they looked at her with interest from their shelves - they waited. The librarian finally spoke with someone on the phone ... She spoke strangely, the characters listened and did not understand. They were surprised.

- No, - said the librarian, - I think it's millet. He's a goat ... We'd better walk along. A? No, well, he's a goat. We'll walk, right? Then we will go to Vladik ... I know that he is a ram, but he has a "Grundik" - let's sit ... The seal will also come, then this one will be ... an owl ... Yes, I know that they are all goats, but we must somehow shoot the time ! Well, well ... I'm listening ...

- I don't understand anything, - someone in a top hat said quietly - either Onegin or Chatsky - to his neighbor, a heavy landowner, it seems, Oblomov.

Oblomov smiled:

- They are going to the zoo.

- Why are all the goats?

- Well ... apparently, irony. Pretty. A?

The gentleman in the top hat winced.

- Vulgarite.

“Give you all the French women,” Oblomov said with disapproval. - And it will look to me. With legs - they thought of it well. A?

- Very much ... that ... - the dejected-looking gentleman, clearly a Chekhovian character, interjected into the conversation. - Very short. Why so?

Oblomov laughed softly:

- Why are you looking there? Take it and don't look.

- What is it to me, in essence? - Chekhov's character was embarrassed. - Please. Why did they just start with their feet?

- What? - Oblomov did not understand.

- Reborn something.

- And where do they come from? - Asked a satisfied Oblomov. - With feet, brother, and begin.

“You don’t change,” the Bumbled One remarked with hidden contempt.

Oblomov laughed softly again.

- Volume! Volume! Listen! - the librarian shouted into the phone. - Listen! He's a goat! Who has the car? Him? No seriously? - The librarian was silent for a long time - she listened. - And what sciences? She asked quietly. - Yes? Then I myself am a goat ...

The librarian was very upset ... She hung up, sat just like that, then got up and left. And she locked the library.

Then the characters jumped off their shelves, moved chairs ...

- At the pace, at the pace! - shouted someone of a bureaucratic appearance, bald. - Let's continue. Who else wants to say about Ivan the Fool? Request: do not repeat yourself. And - in short. We must make a decision today. Who?

- Excuse me? Poor Liza asked.

- Come on, Liza, - said Bald.

“I myself am also one of the peasants,” Poor Liza began, “you all know how poor I am ...

- We know, we know! - everyone rustled. - Make it short!

“I’m ashamed,” Poor Liza continued hotly, “that Ivan the Fool is with us. How can?! How long will he disgrace our ranks?

- Drive out! - shouted from the place.

- Quiet! - said the bald clerk sternly. - What do you suggest, Lisa?

“Let him get a certificate that he’s smart,” said Liza.

Here everyone rustled approvingly.

- Right!

- Let him get it! Or let it clean up! ..

- What are you, however, nimble, - said the huge Ilya Muromets. He was sitting on his shelf - he could not get up. - Broke. Where will he get it? It's easy to say ...

- At the Sage, - Bald, who was leading the meeting, angrily slammed his palm on the table. - Ilya, I didn't give you a word!

- I didn't ask you. And I'm not going to ask. Close the slurp, or I'll make the ink drink at once. And have a snack with a blotter. Office rat.

- Well, it starts! - Oblomov said with displeasure. - Ilya, you should only bark. And what a bad suggestion: let him get a certificate. I'm also embarrassed to sit next to a fool. He smells of footcloths ... And, I think, no one ...

- Cry! - Ilya thundered. - It's embarrassing for him. Would you like a club on the head? I'll get it!

Then someone, obviously superfluous, remarked:

- Civil strife.

- A? - did not understand Kontorsky.

“Civil strife,” said Superfluous. - Let's get lost.

- Who will be lost? - Ilya, too, did not see the danger that Superfluous was talking about. - Sit here, gussarch! Otherwise I'll get it once too ...

- I demand satisfaction! - Superfluous jumped up.

- Yes, sit down! - said Kontorsky. - What satisfaction?

- I demand satisfaction: this Karacharov seat insulted me.

“Sit down,” Oblomov said. - What to do with Ivan?

Everyone thought about it. Ivan the Fool was sitting in the corner, making something out of the floor of his army jacket, like an ear.

“Think, think,” he said. - Clever people were found ... Doctor.

“Don't be rude, Ivan,” said Kontorsky. - They think about him, you know, and he's still rude. How about some help? Maybe you can go and get it?

- At the Sage ... You have to do something. I also bow ...

- I'm not inclined! - Ilya thumped again. - He bows. Well, lean as much as you like. Don't go, Vanka. They have invented some nonsense - a certificate ... Who jumped out with a certificate? Lizka? What are you, girl?

- And nothing! Poor Liza exclaimed. - If you are sitting, then everyone should be sitting? Uncle Ilya, this sit-down agitation will not work for you! I subscribe to the presenter's demand: something must be done. - And she once again said loudly and convincingly: - We must do something!

Everyone thought about it.

And Ilya frowned.

“Some kind of sit-down campaign,” he grumbled. - Invents anything he hits. What kind of agitation?

- Yes, this is the most! - Oblomov jumped at him. - Seated, you were told. "Ka-ka-aya". Shut up, please. We must, of course, do something, friends. You just need to understand: what to do?

- And yet I demand satisfaction! - Superfluous recalled his insult. - I challenge this bawker (to Ilya) to a duel.

- Sit down! - Kontorsky shouted at Superfluous. - To do business or to engage in duels? Stop fooling around. And so much has gone away ... The thing must be done, and not running through the woods with pistols.

Here everyone was agitated, rustled approvingly.

- I would have banned these duels altogether! - shouted pale Lensky.

“Coward,” Onegin told him.

- Who is the coward?

- You're a coward.

- And you are a quitter. Sharpie. The libertine. Cynic.

- Let's go to the Volga! - suddenly shouted some guly chieftain. - Saryn to the kitsch!

- Sit down! - Kontorsky was angry. - And then I'll show those "saryn". Slide it behind the closet yonder - you will poop there. I ask again: what are we going to do?

- Come to me, Ataman, - Ilya called the Cossack. - I'll tell you something.

- I warn you, - said Kontorsky, - if you start some kind of quarrel ... you won't be able to take your head off. To me, too, you know, nuggets.

- Nothing can be said! - Ilya was bitterly indignant. - What are you ?! Dogs of some kind, a true god: whatever you say - it's not like that.

- Just do not pretend, please, - Onegin said with contempt, addressing Ilya and the Cossack, - that you are the only one of the people. We, too, are the people.

- Wait they will tear the shirts on the chest, - said a certain small character like Gogol's Akaki Akakievich. - The sleeves will chew ...

- Why should I chew my sleeves? The Cossack chieftain asked sincerely. “I’ll put you on one palm and slap you with the other.

“Everything is civil strife,” said Superfluous sadly. - Now we will not do anything at all. In addition, we will also be lost.

- Let's go to the Volga! - the Ataman called again. - At least take a walk.

“Sit down,” Oblomov said angrily. - Reveler ... All would have to walk, they would all have a walk! Business must be done, not walking.

- Ah-ah, - suddenly ominously quietly stretched the Ataman, - here I was looking for the whole life. Here's a coho for me ... - And he pulled the saber out of its sheath. - Here's to whom I'm bleeding ...

Everyone jumped up from their seats ...

Akaki Akakievich flew up to his shelf like a bird, Poor Liza sat down in horror and covered herself with a sundress ... Onegin convulsively loaded a dueling pistol from the barrel, and Ilya Muromets laughed and said:

- Oh, running around ?! Did you run in, you drape devils ?! We ran in!

Oblomov blocked himself from the Cossack with a chair and shouted to him, straining:

- You ask literary historians! You ask! .. I was good! I am only a hopeless bummer ... But I am harmless!

- But let's take it, - said the Cossack, - just give them a damn, how good you are: my saber doesn’t cut good ones.

Kontorsky was about to poke his head towards Kazak, he swung at him, and Kontorsky jumped back.

- Beat, Cossacks! - Ilya barked. - Chedi filthy blood!

And God knows what would have happened here if not for Akaki Akakievich. In the midst of the general confusion, he suddenly jumped up and shouted:

- Closed for registration!

And everyone froze ... They came to their senses. The Cossack hid his saber, Oblomov wiped his face with a handkerchief, Liza got up and shyly straightened her sundress.

“Asia,” said Kontorsky quietly and bitterly. - How can you do something here! Thank you, Akaki. It somehow did not occur to me - to close the register.

- Ilya, do you have any wine? - asked the Cossack Muromets.

- Where? - he responded. - I don’t drink.

- It's hard on the soul, - said the Cossack. - I will suffer ...

- And there is nothing here ... swinging, you know, - said Kontorsky. - Let's continue. Lisa, you wanted to say something ...

“I propose to send Ivan the Fool to the Sage for help,” Liza said loudly and with conviction. - If he does not bring a certificate to the third roosters, let him ... I don’t know ... let him get away from us.

- Where is he? - Ilya asked sadly.

- Let him go to the second-hand bookshop! - Liza snapped hard.

- Oh, isn't it cool? - someone doubted.

“Not cool,” said Kontorsky, too harshly. - Not at all. The only way. Ivan ...

- Ainki! - Ivan responded. And he got up.

Ivan looked at Ilya.

Ilya bent his head and said nothing. And the Cossack also said nothing, only wrinkled his face painfully and looked with his eyes on the shelves and on the table - everything, apparently, was looking for wine.

“Go, Vanka,” Ilya said quietly. - You can't do anything. Need to go. See, what they are all ... scientists. Go and remember: you won't burn in fire, you won't drown in water ... I can't vouch for the rest.

- Want my saber? - the Cossack offered Ivan.

- Why do I need it? - he responded.

- Ivan, - said Ilya, - go boldly - I'll think about you. Where trouble will overtake you ... Where they plan to destroy you, I will shout: "Vanka, look!"

- How do you know sho exho trouble has calmed down? - asked the Cossack.

Ivan went out to the middle of the library, bowed to everyone with a bow ... He pulled the Armenian up tighter and went to the door.

- Do not remember dashingly, if where to waste, - said from the doorway.

- The Lord is with you, - said Oblomov. - Maybe you won't be lost.

“You’ll come with a certificate, Ivan,” Liza said excitedly, “I’ll marry you.”

“Why the hell do I need you,” Ivan said rudely. - I'd rather be some dumb princess ...

- Don't, Ivan, - Ilya waved his hand, - don't get involved. All of them ... no better than this one here. - He pointed to Lisa. - Why do you need this certificate ?! What are you talking about? Where's the guy ... looking at night! And will he give it, a certificate, your Sage? He's also sitting there ...

“You can't go without a certificate, Uncle Ilya,” Liza said resolutely. - And to you, Ivan, I will remember that I gave up on me. Oh, I will remember those!

“Go, go, Ivan,” said Kontorsky. - It's late - you need to be in time.

- Goodbye - said Ivan. And he went out.

And he went where his eyes would look.

It was dark ... He walked, walked - he came to the forest. And he doesn't know where to go next. He sat down on a stump, twirled.

- My poor little head, - he said, - you will be lost. Where is this Sage? If only someone helped.

But nobody helped him.

He walked, walked, saw - the light was shining. Comes closer - there is a hut on chicken legs, and around the pile of bricks, slate, all kinds of lumber.

- Is there anybody here? - Ivan shouted.

Baba Yaga went out onto the porch ... She looked at Ivan and asked:

- Who are you? And where are you going?

“Ivan the Fool, I’m going to the Sage for help,” Ivan replied. “I don’t know where to find him.

- Why do you need a certificate?

- I don’t know either ... They sent me.

- Ah ... - said Baba Yaga. - Well, come in, come in ... Take a break from the road. I suppose you want to eat?

- Yes, I would not refuse ...

- Come in.

Ivan entered the hut.

The hut is like a hut, nothing like that. Large stove, table, two beds ...

- Who still lives with you? Ivan asked.

- Daughter. Ivan, - Yaga began to speak, - and you are like a fool - quite, perhaps, a fool?

- Like this? - Ivan did not understand.

- Well, a complete fool, or was it that they christened you in the heat of the moment? It happens that annoyance will take - you shout: y, you fool! Sometimes I scream at my daughter: wow, such a fool! What kind of a fool is she? She's so smart. Maybe you have the same story; people are accustomed to: a fool and a fool, and you are not a fool at all, but only ... ingenuous. A?

- I don’t understand, where are you getting at?

- Yes, I can see in your eyes: you are not a fool, you are simply ingenuous. As soon as I saw you, I immediately thought: "Oh, and a talented guy!" It's written on your forehead: "talent." Do you have any idea about your talents yourself? Or did you completely believe that you were a fool?

- I didn’t believe anything! - Ivan said angrily. - How can I believe myself that I am a fool?

- And what am I telling you? Here are the people, eh! .. Have you ever been involved in construction?

- Well, how? .. With my father, with the brothers, the towers were cut ... And why do you need?

- You see, I want to build a cottage for myself ... The materials have been delivered, but there is no one to build. Won't you take it?

- I need to get a certificate ...

- Why do you need it? - exclaimed Baba Yaga. - Build a cottage ... they will see it - all sorts of guests come to me - they will see - right away: who did it? Who did - Ivan did ... Do you hear? Glory will go throughout the forest.

- But what about the certificate? Ivan asked again. - They won't let me back without a certificate.

- So what?

- How? Where am I?

- You will be a stoker at the cottage ... When you build, plan for yourself a room in the basement ... Warm, quiet, no worries. The guests upstairs got bored - where? - went to Ivan: listen to different stories. And you lie to them more ... Tell them different cases. I will take care of you. I will call you - Ivanushka ...

“The hag is old,” Ivan said. - Look, what a net you have started! She will call Ivanushka. Will I bend my hump at you? Hoo-hoo not ho-ho, granny?

- Ah, - Baba Yaga stretched ominously, - now I understand who I am dealing with: a simulator, a rogue ... type. We are like that - you know what we are doing? - fry. Well, who is there ?! - And Yaga clapped her hands three times. - Guardians! Take this fool, tie - we will fry him a little.

The guards, four healthy foreheads, grabbed Ivan, tied him up and put him on a bench.

- The last time I ask, - still tried Baba Yaga, - will you build a cottage?

“Damn you! - said Ivan proudly bound. - Scarecrow garden ... You have hair growing in your nose.

- Into the oven! - Yaga yelled. And stamped her feet. - You bastard! Ham!

- I hear from the boor! - also shouted Ivan. - Echidna! Not only in your nose, your hair grows on your tongue! .. Parasite!

- Into the fire! - Yaga went on completely. - Wow! ..

They grabbed Ivan and began to push him into the oven, into the fire.

Oh, I shaved you on the dump! -

Ivan sang. -

You gave me stockings-boots! ..

Op - tirdarpupia!

“I don’t burn in the fire, hag! So I go boldly!

Only Ivan was pushed into the oven, bells rang in the courtyard, horses whinnied.

- My daughter is coming! - Baba Yaga was delighted and looked out the window. - Ooh, yes, together with the groom! That will be something for them to dine on.

The guards were also delighted, jumped, clapped their hands.

- The Serpent Gorynych is going, the Serpent Gorynych is going! They shouted. - Eh, let's take a walk! Eh, and let's have a drink!

The daughter of Baba Yaga, also very scary, with a mustache, entered the hut.

“Fu-fu-fu,” she said. - Smells of the Russian spirit. Who's here?

“Dinner,” said Baba Yaga. And she laughed hoarsely: - Ha-ha-ha! ..

- What are you? - the daughter was angry. - Whinnying, like this ... I ask: who is here?

- We are frying Ivan.

- Yah? - the daughter was pleasantly surprised. - Oh, what a surprise!

My daughter looked into the stove ... And from there suddenly - either crying or laughter.

- Oh, I can’t! .. - Ivan moaned - I’ll not die from fire - from laughter! ..

- What is it? - the daughter of Baba Yaga asked angrily.

And Yaga also went to the stove.

- What is he?

- Does he laugh? ..

- What are you, hey?

- Oh, I'll die of laughter! - Ivan shouted. - Oh, I won't survive! ..

- What an idiot - said the daughter. - What are you?

- Yes, mustache! .. Mustache ... Oh, Lord, well, it happens in nature! But how are you and your husband going to sleep? You're getting married ...

- How is everyone ... Why? - the daughter did not understand. I didn't understand, but I was alarmed.

- Yes, a mustache!

- So what? They do not bother me, on the contrary, I smell better.

“They don’t bother you… And what about your husband? When you get married ...

- Why husband? Where are you going, you fool? What do you want my future husband for? - the daughter was alarmed at all.

- But how? He will kiss you in the dark, and he will think: "Damn it, a soldier is not a soldier and a woman is not a woman." And he will fall out of love. Yes, nothing can be a woman with a mustache! Well, these witches! .. They don't understand shit. After all, he will not live with you, with a mustache. And then he will take and bite his head off from evil, I know these Gorynychs.

Baba Yaga and her daughter became thoughtful.

- Come on, get out, - ordered the daughter.

Ivan the Fool soon got out and dusted himself off.

- Well warmed up ...

- What do you advise us? - asked Baba Yaga. - With a mustache.

- What, what ... You need to remove your mustache if you want to improve your family life.

- But how to bring it together, how?

- I'll tell you how, and you will throw me into the oven again.

- Let's not throw it, Vanyushka, - said the daughter of Baba Yaga affectionately. - Let’s let you go on all four sides, just tell me how to get rid of the mustache.

Then our Ivan went to haggle and haggle, as today's plumbers do.

- It's not easy - he spoke - it is necessary to do the composition ...

- Well, do it!

- Do, do ... And when will I get to the Sage? I have to go back to the third roosters ...

- Come on, - Baba Yaga was worried, - listen here! Come on like this: you pull off your mustache, I give you my broom, and you will be at the Sage's in an instant.

Ivan became thoughtful.

- Faster! - the mustachioed daughter hastened. - And then Gorynych will come in.

Then Ivan got worried:

- Listen, he will come in and ...

- Comes in and devour me on the move.

“He can,” said her daughter. - What could you think of?

“I’ll say that you are my nephew,” Baba Yaga appeared. - Understood?

- Come on, - Ivan realized. - Now it’s like this: my composition doesn’t work right away ...

- Like this? - the daughter was wary.

- Wait, we'll point him and put a mask on his face ... Right? I am flying on a broomstick to the Sage, while you are lying with a mask ...

- And will he deceive? - the daughter suspected. - Mom?

- Let him just try, - said Baba Yaga, - let him just blow it up: if it comes up from the skies, a wet place will remain.

- Well, are the trees green? .. - Ivan was worried again: it looks like he wanted to cheat. - What a people! What's the matter? Do you want to walk with a mustache? Walk with a mustache, what do I care! They are told business, you know, - no, they start here ... You respect me, no?

- What does “respect” have to do with it? You speak plainly ...

“No, I can't,” Ivan continued to chatter. - I can't, honestly! The heart will burst. What kind of people? Live with a mustache, live! Live as much as you like. Not a woman, but some kind of major general. Ugh! Will the kids be born? A son or daughter will stretch with a hand: "Mom, what have you got?" Will they grow up? They will grow up, they will start to tease on the street: "Your mother with a mustache, your mother with a mustache!" Will it be easy for the child? Will it be easy to listen to such words? No one has a mother with a mustache, and he has a mustache. How should he answer? But he cannot answer in any way, he will burst into tears and go home ... to the mustachioed mother ...

- Enough! - cried the daughter of Baba Yaga. - Direct your squad. What do you want?

- A handful of chicken droppings, a handful of warm manure and a handful of soft clay - we put such a mask on our face ...

- All over your face? How am I going to breathe?

- What a people! - again bitterly mumbled Ivan. - Well, nothing is impossible ...

- Okay! - the daughter barked. - You can’t ask anything.

- It is forbidden! - Ivan also barked. - When the master understands, you cannot ask anything! I repeat: manure, clay, droppings. The mask will have a hole - you will breathe. Everything.

- Have you heard? - said Yaga to the guards. - One leg here, the other in the barn! Arsh!

The guards ran for dung, clay, and dung.

And at that very time, three heads of the Serpent Gorynych stuck through the window ... They stared at Ivan. Everyone in the hut froze. Gorynych looked at Ivan for a long, long time. Then he asked:

- Who is this?

“This, Gorynych, is my nephew, Ivanushka,” said Yaga. - Ivanushka, say hello to Uncle Gorynych.

- Hello, Uncle Gorynych! - Ivan greeted. - Well how are you?

Gorynych looked attentively at Ivan. So long and so attentively that Ivan became nervous.

- Well, are the trees green? What? Well - nephew, you heard! I came to my aunt Yozhka. On a visit. What, are we going to eat the guests? Come on, we'll eat the guests! And we're going to start a family - we'll devour all the kids, right? Dad is called!

The heads of Gorynych consulted among themselves.

“I think he's rude,” said one.

The second thought and said:

- A fool, but a nervous one.

And the third put it very briefly:

“Langet,” she said.

- I'll show you such a langet! .. - Ivan exploded with fear. - I will arrange such a langet that some people here will not be good. Aunt, where is my magic saber? - Ivan jumped up from the bench and ran around the hut - portrayed. looking for a magic saber. - Wait, I'll arrange this! Are you tired of wearing your head ?! - Ivan shouted at Gorynych, but did not look at him - it was terrible to look at these three calm heads. - Wait, I'll arrange it! ..

“He just got out of hand,” the first head said again.

- Nervous, - said the second. - Fears.

And the third did not have time to say anything: Ivan stopped in front of Gorynych and himself, too, looked at him for a long time and attentively.

- Span, - said Ivan. - I'll eat you myself.

- Vanka, look! - said Ilya.

- Why "Vanka", what "Vanka"! - Ivan exclaimed. - What is it? We are always afraid of someone, we are afraid of someone. Each nit will be out of itself ... to build a great creature, and then subdue from fear. I do not want! Enough! Tired of it! - Ivan really calmly sat down on the bench, took out a pipe and whistled a little. - Eat - he said, distracting from the pipe. - Are you going to eat? Eat. Gad. Then kiss your mustachioed bride. Then give birth to mustachioed children and march with the name. You see, he will scare me! .. Fuck you! - And Vanka again whistled into his pipe.

- Gorynych, - said the daughter, - spit, don't pay attention. No offense.

- But he's rude, - objected the first head. - How does he speak ?!

- He's desperate. He does not know what he is doing.

- I know everything - Ivan interjected, having stopped playing the pipe. - I know everything. I'll pick up a march for you now ... for the future battalion ...

- Vanya, - said Baba Yaga meekly, - not rude, nephew. Why are you doing this?

- Then, that there is nothing to take me to the arap. He, you see, will rotate his eyes here! Rotate when you have a battalion of mustachioed - then rotate. And wait there is nothing.

- No, well, he's rude with might and main! - almost crying said the first head. - Well, how is it?

“Cry, cry,” Ivan said harshly. - And we will laugh. The mustache.

“Stop pulling,” said the second head.

- Yes, stop pulling, - assented Ivan. - Why pull something? Stop pulling.

- Oh! - the third head was amazed. - Wow!

- Aha! - Ivan again foolishly assented. - In, give Vanka! Let's sing? - And Vanka sang:

Eh, I shaved you

On the embankment

You gave me

Stockings-boots ...

- Gorynych, in chorus:

Op - tirdarpupia! -

Vanka finished the song. And it became quiet. And it was quiet for a long time.

- Do you know how to romance? - asked Gorynych.

- What kind of romances?

- Antique.

- As much as you like ... Do you like romances? If you please, father, I will string them for you as much as you like. I'll fill up with romances. For example:

Khaz-damask udalo-oh,

Poor saklya yours,

Gold treasury

I'll shower you-ah! ..

- A? Romance! .. - Vanka sensed a certain change in Gorynyche, went up to him and patted one head on the cheek. “Mh, you're… fierce. You are my ferocious one.

- Do not be mischievous, - said Gorynych. “I’ll bite off my hand.”

Vanka withdrew his hand.

- Well, well, well, - he said peacefully, - who talks to the master like that? I’ll take it and I won’t sing.

- You will, - said the head of Gorynych, which Ivan took a sip. - I'll take you and bite off your head.

The other two heads laughed loudly.

And Ivan also laughed shallowly and gloomily.

“Then I won’t sing at all - there’s nothing. What am I going to sing about?

"Fillet," said the head, which had just said "langet". It was the stupidest head ever.

- And you should eat everything! - Ivan got angry at her. - Everything would be for her to eat! ..

- Vanyushka, not a Fordybach, - said Baba Yaga. - Sing it.

“Sing,” said the daughter. - I started talking. There is a rumor - sing.

“Sing,” the first head ordered. - And you, too, sing.

- Who? - Baba Yaga did not understand. - We?

- You. Sing it.

- Maybe I'm better alone? - vyaknula daughter; it did not suit her that she would sing along with Ivan. - Sing with a man ... excuse me, but ...

“Three, four,” Gorynych said calmly. - We started.

I will give a horse, I will give a saddle, -

Ivan sang, Baba Yaga and her daughter picked up:

I'll give my rifle,

And for this, for everything

Give me your wife.

You are already old, you are already se-ed,

She can't live with you

From young young le-em

You will ruin her-oh-oh.

Gorynych's inexpressive round eyes were moistened: like any despot, he was tearful.

We sat together

The moon sailed golden

Everything was silent all around.

And Ivan with feeling repeated again, alone:

Eh, the month swam golden,

Everything was silent all around ...

- How do you live, Ivan? - asked the moved Gorynych.

- In what sense? - he did not understand.

- Is the hut good?

- Oh. Wait, I live in the library, together with everyone.

- Do you want a separate hut?

Until the last day ...

“It’s not necessary,” said Gorynych. - Skip it.

- How? - Ivan did not understand.

- Skip it.

- Gorynych, you can't do that, - Ivan smiled, - you can't erase a word from a song.

Gorynych looked at Ivan in silence; this bad silence reigned again.

- But without this there is no song! - Ivan got nervous. - Well? There is no song!

- There is a song, - said Gorynych.

- But how is it? How is there something ?!

- There is a song. Even better - more concise.

- Well, look what they do! - Ivan even slapped himself on the thighs in amazement. - They do what they want! There is no song without this, there is no song without this, there is no song! .. I will not sing laconically. Everything.

- Vanya, - said Baba Yaga, - do not oppose.

- Fuck you! .. - Ivan was completely angry. - Sing it yourself. I won't. I saw you all in the coffin! I'll devour you all myself! With a mustache together. And these three pumpkins ... I will fry them a little too ...

- Lord, how much patience is needed, - the first head of Gorynych sighed. - How much effort you need to spend, nerves ... until you teach them. No upbringing, no education ...

- About "a little fry" - he said it well, - said the second head. - A?

- What mustache are you hinting at all the time? - asked Ivan the third head. - All evening today I hear: mustache, mustache ... Who has mustache?

“A pa-aren smiles into a wheat mustache,” the first head sang playfully. - How's that going on about Khaz-Bulat?

“She gave herself to me,” Ivan said clearly.

It became quiet again.

- This is rude, Ivan, - said the first head. - This is bad aesthetics. You live in the library ... how can you? You have nice guys there. Where did you get this sexuality? You have there, I know, Poor Liza ... a beautiful girl, I knew her father ... Is she your bride?

- Who? Lizka? What more!

- How? She is waiting for you.

- Let him wait - he will not wait.

- Hmm ... Fruit, - said the third head.

And the head, which was inclined to grub all the time, objected:

“No, not a fruit,” she said seriously. - What kind of fruit? In any case, a langet. Perhaps even a barbecue.

“He killed him,” Ivan said obediently.

- Khaz-bulat.

- Who killed?

- Hmm ... - Ivan frowned painfully. - The young lover killed Khaz-bulat. The song ends like this: "The old man's head rolled into the meadow."

- This is also not necessary. This is cruelty, - said the head.

- So how should it be?

The head thought.

- They reconciled. He gave him a horse, a saddle - and they went home. On what shelf are you sitting there, in the library?

- At the very top ... Next to Ilya and the Don Ataman.

- I see, - said the smartest head of Gorynych, the first. “You’ll only get enough of these fools… Why are you going to the Sage?”

- For help.

- What kind of help?

- That I'm smart.

Three heads of Gorynych laughed loudly together. Baba Yaga and her daughter chuckled too.

- Do you know how to dance? - asked the smart head.

- I can, - Ivan answered - But I won't.

- He, in my opinion, knows how to cut cottages, - interjected Baba Yaga. - I raised this topic ...

- Quiet! - Barked all three heads of Gorynych. - We did not give the floor to anyone else!

“My priests,” Baba Yaga said in a whisper. - Nothing can be said!

- It is forbidden! - the daughter also barked. And also to Babu Yaga - some kind of Bazaar!

- Dance, Vanya, - the smartest head said quietly and affectionately.

- I will not dance, - Ivan stubbornly.

The head thought:

“You're going for help…” she said. - So?

- Well? For help.

- The certificate will say: "Given to Ivan ... that he is smart." Right? And printing.

- You won't get there. - The clever head calmly looked at Ivan. - There will be no help.

- How can I not get it? If I went, I’ll go.

- Not. - The head kept looking at Ivan. - You won't get there. You won't even get out of here.

Ivan stood in painful meditation ... He raised his hand and exclaimed sadly:

- "Seni"!

“Three, four,” said the head. - Went.

Baba Yaga and her daughter sang:

Oh, you canopy, my canopy,

Seni new mine ...

They sang and clapped their hands.

Canopy new-fresh

Lattice ...

Ivan moved in a circle, tapping with paws ... and his hands hung along his body: he did not put his hips on his hips, did not raise his head, did not look with a falcon.

- Why don't you look with a falcon? The head asked.

“I’m looking,” Ivan replied.

- You're looking at the floor.

- The falcon can think about it?

“Ah,” said the clever head. - Now you have grown wiser. Now go get help. And then he began here ... to build out of himself. "Shmakodyavki". "Whistlers". What have you started to build out of yourself?

Ivan was silent.

- Stand facing the door, - ordered Gorynych. Ivan stood facing the door. “On my command, you’ll fly out of here at the speed of sound.

- With the sound - you had enough, Gorynych, - Ivan objected. - I can't do that.

- As you can. Prepared ... Three, four!

Ivan flew out of the hut.

Three heads of Gorynych, daughter n Baba Yaga laughed.

- Come here, - Gorynych called his bride, - I will caress you.

And Ivan walked again through a dark forest ... And again there was no road, but there was a small animal trail. Ivan walked, walked, sat down on the fallen forest and twisted.

“They’ve poured fertilizer into my soul,” he said sadly. - That's how hard it is! I will get this certificate ...

A Bear came up from behind and also sat down on the forest.

- What is so sad, little man? - asked the Bear.

- But how! .. - said Ivan. - And I have endured fear, and drank, and danced ... And it’s so hard on my soul now, so bad - lie down and die.

- Where are you?

- And at a party ... The devil brought it. At Baba Yaga's.

- I found someone to visit. Why are you going to her?

- Yes, I went along the way ...

- Where are you going?

- To the Sage.

- In-he where! - the Bear was surprised. - Far.

- Do you know how to go to him?

- No. I've heard of this, but I don't know how to go. I myself, brother, got up from my place of residence ... I am going here too, but I do not know where I am going.

- Have they kicked out, eh?

- Yes, and they did not chase away, and ... You yourself will leave. This is - not far - a monastery; well, we lived for ourselves ... And I ate near - there are many apiaries. And devils have chosen this monastery. Where did they get scared from! They have laid the entire monastery - they are not allowed inside - from morning till night they play music, drink, behave ugly ...

- And what do they want?

- They want to go inside, and there are guards. So they deafen them, the guard, they let all sorts of mummers let in, force the wine - they confuse. They brought such rags to the neighborhood - blindfold and run. The passion that is happening, the living soul disappears. I've learned to smoke near them ... - The bear took out a pack of cigarettes and lit a cigarette. - There is no life ... I thought, I thought - no, I think I have to leave, otherwise I'll learn to drink wine. Or I'll go to the circus. I got drunk a couple of times ...

- This is bad.

- How bad it is! He beat the bear ... I was looking for a lion in the forest ... Shame on the little head! No, I think we should leave. Here I go.

- Do they not know about the Sage? Ivan asked.

- Who? Damn it? What do they not know? They know everything. Just do not mess with the name, you will be lost. Get lost, boy.

- Oh well ... what, go?

- You will disappear. Try, of course, but ... Look. They are evil.

- I myself am evil wait ... Worse than the devil. That's how he distorted me! Broke everything.

- Zmey Gorynych.

- Was he beating?

- Yes, and not beat, but ... worse than beating. And sang in front of him, and danced ... Ugh! Better to beat him.

- Humiliated?

- Humiliated. How humiliated! However, I will not survive these cases. I'll go back and set them on fire. A?

- Come on, - said the Bear. - do not mess with. He's like that, this Gorynych ... Gad, one word. Give it up. Better leave. Alive left, and then thank God. You cannot beat this gang: they will get it everywhere.

They sat in silence, the Bear took a last drag on his cigarette, threw it down, trampled on the butt with his paw and stood up.

- Goodbye.

“Goodbye,” Ivan responded. And he got up too.

- Be careful with the devils, - once again advised the Bear. - These will be worse than Gorynych ... You will forget where you are going. You will forget everything in the world. What a sulky tribe! They tear the soles on the move. You will not have time to look around, and you are on a leash with them - they are caught.

“Nothing,” Ivan said. - God will not give, the pig will not eat. I'll get out somehow. I must look for the Sage somewhere ... Goblin has gotten himself onto my head! And the time - until the third roosters only.

- Well, hurry up if that's the case. Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

And they parted.

From the darkness, the Bear shouted:

- Look, do you hear the music?

- Yes, listen! .. "Black Eyes" are playing ...

- Go to the music - they are. You see, they are playing up! Oh my God! - Bear sighed - Here is the world scabies! Well, scabies ... They don't want to live in a swamp, they don't want to, they want to be in cells.

And there were gates and a high fence. On the gate it is written:

"Devil's not allowed in."

At the gate stood a large guard with a lance and looked vigilantly around. All around there was a kind of sluggish bedlam - such a pause after a stormy Sabbath. Some devils, thrusting their hands into the pockets of narrow trousers, gently beat lazy tap dance with their hooves, who leafed through magazines with pictures, who shuffled cards ... One juggled with skulls. The two in the corner were learning to stand on their heads. A group of devils, spread newspapers on the ground, sat around brandy and drank snacks. And four — three musicians with guitars and a girl — stood right in front of the guard; the girl sang beautifully "Black Eyes". The guitarists accompanied her equally beautifully. And the girl herself is very beautiful, on beautiful hooves, in beautiful pants ... However, the guard calmly looked at her - for some reason he was not worried. He even smiled indulgently into his mustache.

- Bread and salt! - said Ivan, going up to those who were drinking.

They looked at him from head to toe ... and turned away.

- Why don't you invite me with you? - Ivan asked harshly.

They looked at him again.

- And what kind of prince are you? - asked one, obese, with large horns.

- I am such a prince that if I carry you over the bumps, then shreds will fly from you. Become!

The devils were amazed ... They looked at Ivan.

- I told who ?! - Ivan kicked the bottles. - Become!!

The fat one jumped up and started climbing on Ivan, but his own people grabbed him and dragged him aside.

Before Ivan appeared someone graceful, middle-aged, wearing glasses.

- What's the matter, friend? - he spoke, taking Ivan's arm. - What are we making noise? Mm? Do we have a bo-bo? Or what? Or is the mood spoiled? What do you need?

“We need a certificate,” Ivan said angrily.

Devils still approached them ... Such a circle was formed, in the center of which was the evil Ivan.

“Continue,” the Graceful shouted to the musicians and the girl. - Vanya, what kind of information do you need? About what?

- That I am smart.

The devils looked at each other ... They quickly and incomprehensibly talked among themselves.

“Shizo,” one said. - Or an adventurer.

- It does not look like - objected another. - It is being issued somewhere. Do you need just one certificate?

- And what kind of certificate, Vanya? They are different ... Sometimes - a characteristic, a certificate ... There is about the presence, there is about the absence, there is "in that", there is "since", there is "in view of the fact that", and there is "along with that" - different, do you understand? Which one were you told to bring?

- That I'm smart.

- I don’t understand ... A diploma, or what?

- Help.

- But there are hundreds of them, inquiries! There is “in connection with the fact that”, there is “in spite of the fact that”, there is ...

“I’ll carry it over the bumps,” Ivan said threateningly. - It will be sickening. Or sing Our Father.

- Calmly, Vanya, calmly, - the Graceful Devil became nervous. - Why raise the wave? We can do any kind of help, you just need to understand - which one? We will make you ...

“I don’t need a phony certificate,” Ivan said firmly. - I need one that the Sage gives out.

Then the devils started to cry all at once.

- He only needs the kind that the Sage gives out.

- Linden does not suit him ... Oh, what an incorruptible soul! What Angelico!

- What a metropolitan! He will sing to us "Our Father". And "I would eat a dry crust" will you sing for us?

- Sha, devils! Sha ... I want to know: how is he going to carry us over the bumps? He takes us to the arap! That is elementary arapinism! What does it mean that this poshekhon will carry us?

More devils came up. Ivan was surrounded from all sides. And everyone looked and waved their hands.

- He knocked over the brandy!

- This is rudeness! What does it mean that he will carry us over the bumps? What does it mean? This is chantage?

- The Big Eagle Cup to him!

- Tumakov to him! Tumakov!

The case could turn out badly: Ivan was pressed.

- Sha, devils! Sha! - Ivan shouted. And raised his hand. - Sha, devils! There is an offer! ..

“Sha, brothers,” said the Graceful Devil. - There is a proposal. We will listen to the proposal.

Ivan, the Graceful Devil and several other devils stepped aside and began to confer. Ivan said something to them in an undertone, looking in the direction of the guard. And others also looked in the same direction.

The singer and musicians were still on watch before the guard; the girl was now singing the ironic song "Are you a man!" She sang and danced.

“I'm not very sure,” said Graceful Devil. - But ... Huh?

“This needs to be checked,” the others said. - It makes sense.

- Yes, it should be checked. This makes sense.

“We’ll check it out,” Graceful Devil said to his assistant. - It makes sense. If this number passes with us, we send with Ivan our devil, and he makes it so that the Sage accepts Ivan. It is very difficult to get to him.

- But no deception! - said Ivan. - If the Sage does not accept me, I will take your devil with these hands ...

- Sha, Ivan, - said the Graceful Devil. - No need for unnecessary words. Everything will be okay. Maestro, what do you need? - he asked his assistant.

- Personal data of the guard, - he said. - Where was he born, who are the parents ... And one more consultation of Ivan.

“File cabinet,” said Graceful shortly.

The two devils ran somewhere, and Graceful hugged Ivan and began to walk with him back and forth, telling something quietly.

They came running with the data. One reported:

- From Siberia. Parents are peasants.

Graceful devil, Ivan and the maestro had a brief consultation.

- Yes? - asked Graceful.

“Like a bayonet,” Ivan replied. - Let me die!

- Maestro?

- In ... two and a half minutes - answered the maestro, looking at his watch.

“Go ahead,” said Graceful.

The maestro and six devils with him - three males and three females - sat down nearby with the instruments and began to play. So they played ... The Maestro nodded his head, and six of them burst out:

On the wild steppes of Transbaikalia,

Where gold is dug in the mountains

Tramp, cursing fate,

Dragged along with a bag on his shoulders.

Here it is necessary to stop the narration and, as far as possible, plunge into the world of the song. It was a wonderful world, heartfelt and sad. The sounds of the song, not loud, but immediately some powerful, clear, hit the very soul. The whole sabbath has moved far, far away; devils, especially those who sang, suddenly became beautiful creatures, intelligent, kind, it suddenly seemed that the meaning of their true existence is not in the Sabbath and disgrace, but in something else - in love, in compassion.

A tramp approaches Baikal,

He takes a fishing boat,

He starts a sad song

Something sings about the homeland.

Oh, how they sang! How they, the dogs, sang! The guard leaned his spear against the gate and, froze, listened to the song. His eyes filled with tears, he somehow even went dumbfounded. Maybe he even stopped understanding where he was and why.

Tramp Baikal has moved, -

Towards my dear mother.

Oh, hello, oh, hello, dear,

Are my father and brother healthy?

The guard went up to the singers, sat down, bowed his head in his hands and began to sway back and forth.

“Mmh…” he said.

And the devils went into the empty gate.

And the song flowed, tore at the soul, ruined the vanity and trifles of life - it called to the open, to free will.

And the devils walked and walked into the empty net.

A huge charm was brought to the guard ... He, without hesitation, drank, fucked the char on the ground, dropped his head in his hands and said again:

Your father has long been in the grave,

Buried in damp earth.

It has been rattling with shackles for a long time.

The guard slammed his fist on the knee, raised his head - his face in tears.

And your brother has long been in Siberia -

It has been rattling with shackles for a long time, -

- My life, or did you dream about me? Give Kamarinskaya! Let it all go to waste, burn everything with blue fire! Give me some wine!

“You can't, little man, you can't,” said the crafty maestro. - You get drunk and forget everything.

- Who?! The guard shouted. And lappul maestro by the breasts. - Who will teach me here ?! You goat? I'll tie you up in three knots, you stinker! I'll carry you all over the bumps! ..

- Why do they love bumps so much? - Graceful devil was surprised. - One was going to carry over the bumps, the other ... What bumps do you mean, dear? He asked the guard.

- Cry! - said the guard. - "Kamarinskaya"!

- "Kamarinskaya", - ordered the Graceful musicians.

- Guilt! The guard barked.

- Guilt - Graceful echoed obediently.

- Maybe we should not? - argued the pretend maestro. - It will be bad for him.

- Friend! The guard roared. - Let me kiss you!

- I'm coming! - answered the Graceful Devil. - Wait, we will cut ourselves! We will carry them all over the bumps! We are all of them here! ..

Ivan looked in surprise at the devils that circled around the guard, especially the Graceful Devil amazed him.

- What are you doing, hey? He asked him.

- Cry! - barked the Graceful Devil. - Otherwise I'll carry you over the bumps so that you ...

- I'm sorry, what? - Ivan asked menacingly. And he got up. - Whom will you carry over the bumps? Well, repeat it.

- Who are you raising your tail at here? - also menacingly asked the big guard Ivan. - On my friend ?! I'll make a langet out of you!

“Langet again,” Ivan said, stopping. - That's the case!

- "Kamarinskaya"! - Graceful devil was capricious. - Ivan will dance for us. "Kamarinskaya"! Vanya, come on!

- Go to the devil! - Ivan was angry. - Come on yourself ... with a friend out.

“Then I’m not sending the devil with you,” said the Graceful Devil. And attentively, viciously looked at Ivan. - Understood? You will get to the Sage! .. You will never get to him.

- Oh you, you unbaptized mug! - Ivan choked with indignation. - But how is it? Yes, something so possible? Where is your shame? But we agreed. I took such a sin on my soul - I taught you how to get through the gate.

- The last time I ask: will you dance?

- Oh, curse! .. - Ivan groaned. - But what is it? Why do I need such torment?

- "Kamarinskaya"! - ordered the Graceful Devil. - "Poshekhonsky sufferings".

The devils-musicians began to play "Kamarinskaya". And Ivan went with his hands down, walked around for himself, went to tap with his little paws. He danced and cried. He cried and danced.

- Eh, help! .. - he exclaimed angrily and bitterly. - You dear to me! It's so expensive that you can't even say how expensive! ..

And here is the office. Oh, the office! That's really the office so the office. Ivan would be completely lost here, if not for the devil. The devil came in handy. They walked for a long time along the stairs and corridors until they found the Sage's reception room.

“Wait a minute,” the devil said when they entered the waiting room. - Sit here ... I'll soon - And somewhere ran away. Ivan looked around.

In the reception there was a young secretary who looked like a librarian, only this one was of a different color, and her name was Milka. And that one - Jackdaw. Milka's secretary typed and spoke on two phones at once.

- Oh, well, it's millet! - she spoke into one tube and smiled. - Do you remember, at the Morgunovs: she put on a yellow shiny dress, symbolized a shock of hay, or what? What is there to puzzle about? About what?

And then - to another, strictly:

- He's not there. I don’t know ... But don’t intonate, don’t intonate, I’m telling you for the fifth time: he’s not there. Do not know.

- What time were you there? At eleven? One to one? Interesting ... Was she alone? Did she crop to you?

- Listen, I ska ... But you do not intonate, do not intonate. Do not know.

Ivan remembered: their librarian, when she wants to ask her friend over the phone if her boss is at home, asks: "Is your hillock in the pit?" And he also asked Milka:

- And when will the hillock be in the pit? - He suddenly got angry with this Milka.

Milka glanced at him briefly.

- What would you like? She asked.

- I ask: when will ...

- On what question?

- Need help that ...

- Monday, Wednesday, nine dash eleven.

- I ... - Ivan wanted to say that he needs a certificate before the third roosters.

Milka tapped again:

- Monday, Wednesday, nine to eleven. Stupid?

“It's millet,” Ivan said. And he got up and walked freely through the waiting room. - I would even say, compote. As our Galka says: “dog's joy for two”, “a mixture of a goat with a grundik”. I ask globally: are you a bride? And I myself answer: the bride. One to one, - Ivan grew more and more heated. - But you - look at yourself - you don't have a blush all over your cheek. What kind of bride are you? Just ask me - I am the eternal bridegroom - ask: did I have a desire to marry you? Come on, ask.

- Hunting appeared?

“No,” Ivan said firmly.

Milka laughed and clapped her hands.

- Oh, what else? She asked. - Anything else. Oh please.

Ivan did not understand, what else?

- Show something else.

- Ah, - Ivan guessed, - you decided that I was a pea jester. That I am so-so, Vanyok in little paws ... Stupid, as you say. So you should know: I am wiser than all of you ... deeper, more popular. I express aspirations, and what do you express? You don’t express a damn thing! Magpies. You are as empty as ... I have the essence, but you do not have this either. Some shman dances on my mind. And you don't even want to talk to me plainly. I’m so angry, how I’ll take a club! ..

Milka laughed loudly again.

- Oh, how interesting! And also, huh?

- It will be bad! - Ivan shouted. - Oh, it will be bad! .. Better not to anger me, better not to anger! ..

Then the devil flew into the waiting room and saw that Ivan was yelling at the girl.

- Huh, huh, huh, - the devil mumbled in fright and began to push Ivan into a corner. - What is it here? Who allowed us to perform? .. A-I-I-I-ay! You can't go anywhere. I had read the foreword - he explained to the girl Ivan's "speech". - Sit quietly, wait we will be received. Wait he will come ... I agreed there: we will be received first.

Only the devil said so, someone small, white - the Sage himself, as Ivan understood, burst into the reception room in a whirlwind.

“Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense,” he said quickly as he walked. - Vasilisa has never been to the Don.

The devil bowed his head respectfully.

“Come in,” said the Sage, without addressing anyone separately. And disappeared into the office.

- Come on, - the devil pushed Ivan. “Don’t just take it in head to fly out with your prefaces ... Give me a shot, and that's it.

The sage ran around the office. He, as they say, tore and threw.

- Where?! Where did they get this ?! - he asked someone and raised his hands up. - Where?!

- Why are you upset, dad? Ivan asked sympathetically.

The sage stopped in front of the visitors, Ivan and the devil.

- Well? He asked sternly and incomprehensibly. - Did you fool Ivan?

- Why do you put the question so immediately? - the devil spoke in disgust. - We, in fact, have long wanted ...

- What do you? What do you want in a monastery? Your goal?

“Destruction of the primitive,” the devil said firmly.

The sage shook his finger at him.

- You will be mischievous! And theoretically they are not ready.

- No, well, seriously ... - the devil smiled at the old man's fearless threat. - Well, it's sickening to watch. The robes alone are worth something!

- What should they walk in your semi-pendants?

- Why in semi-pendants? Nobody calls for this. But, in all honesty: is it really not clear that they are hopelessly behind? Fashion, you say. And I will say: yes, fashion! After all, if the world bodies make their circle in orbit, then, strictly speaking, they do not quite make it ...

“Here, obviously, we should not talk about fashion,” the old man began talking importantly and excitedly, “but about the possible positive influence of the Extreme-Heavenly tendencies on some established norms of morality ...

- Of course! - exclaimed the devil, looking at the Sage with loving eyes. - Of course, about the possible positive impact.

“Every phenomenon,” the old man continued, “contains two functions: motor and inhibitory. The point is which function is most irritated at the moment: motor or brake. If a stimulus from the outside falls on the motor function - the whole phenomenon jumps and moves forward, if the stimulus falls on the inhibitory function - the whole phenomenon, as they say, shrinks and crawls back into itself. - The sage looked at the devil and at Ivan. - Usually this is not understood ...

- Why, it's so understandable, - said the devil.

- I keep repeating, - continued the Sage, - that it is necessary to take into account the presence of these two functions. Consider functions, consider functions! Every phenomenon, so to speak, is about two heads: one says "yes", the other says "no."

- I saw a phenomenon about three heads ... - Ivan muttered, but they did not pay attention to him.

- Let's hit one head, we will hear "yes"; hit another, hear no. - Old Man Sage swiftly raised his hand, aimed his finger at the devil. - Which one did you hit?

“We hit who said yes,” the devil replied without hesitation.

The old man dropped his hand.

- Based on the potential capabilities of these heads, this phenomenon, a head that says "yes" is stronger. The whole phenomenon is to be expected to bounce and move forward. Go on. And - with the theory, with the theory to me! .. - The old man again shook his finger at the devil. - Are you skimping? Look! I'll fluff it up! .. Oh, I'll fluff it up!

The devil, shallowly nodding his head, smiling, backed away and backed away to the exit ... He opened the door backwards and so disappeared with a winning smile on his face.

Ivan, as he stood, fell on his knees before the Sage.

“Dad,” he pleaded, “after all, I have a sin: I taught the devils how to get to the monastery ...

- Well? .. Get up, get up - I don't like that. Stand up, said the Sage.

Ivan got up.

- Well? And how did you teach them? The old man asked with a smile.

- I suggested that they sing the guard's native song ... They flickered in front of him there - he held out for now, and I say: you sing his dear, his dear ... They sang ...

- What did they sing?

- “Along the wild steppes of Transbaikalia”.

The old man laughed.

- Ah, rascals! He exclaimed. - And they sang well?

- They sang so, so sweetly, that my throat caught my throat.

- Can you sing? The Sage asked quickly.

- Well, how can I? .. So ...

- And dance?

- What for? - Ivan was on the alert.

- Well ... - the old man was worried, - that's what! Let's go to one place. Ah, Vanya! .. I'm getting tired, my friend, I'm so tired - I'm afraid someday I'll fall and won't get up. Not from stress I will fall, mind you, from thoughts.

Here Milka's secretary came in. With paper.

“They are reporting that the Dzidra volcano is ready to erupt,” she reported.

- Aha! - exclaimed the old man and ran through the office.

- What? Jerks?

- Jerks. The temperature in the crater ... Hum.

“Let's go from the analogy with a pregnant woman,” the old man spurred on his thoughts. - Tremors ... Are there tremors? There is. The temperature in the crater ... The general excitability of a pregnant woman, her talkativeness is nothing but the temperature in the crater. There is? Hum, hum ... - The old man reined in his thoughts, aimed his finger at Milka:

- What is hum?

Milka didn't know.

- What is hum? - The old man aimed at Ivan.

- Rumble? .. - Ivan laughed - It depends on what hum ... Suppose Ilya Muromets will make a hum - this is one thing, but Poor Liza will make a hum - this is ...

- Vulgartheory, - interrupted old Ivan. - A hum is a concussion of the air.

- Do you know how it shakes from Ilya! - Ivan exclaimed. - The glasses are rattling!

- I'll fluff it up! - the old man barked. Ivan fell silent. - The hum is not only a mechanical shock, it is also ... uterine. There is a hum that the human ear cannot perceive ...

- The ear cannot perceive, but ... - Ivan could not resist again, but the old man fixed his stern gaze at him.

- Well, fluff you up?

- Don't, - asked Ivan. - I won't.

- Let's continue. All three signs of the great analogy are there. Summary? Summary: let it erupt. - The old man shot his finger at the secretary: - Just write it down.

Milka's secretary wrote it down. And she left.

- I'm getting tired, Vanya, my friend, - the old man continued his theme, as if he had not been interrupted. - I get so tired that sometimes it seems: that's it, I won't be able to impose a single resolution anymore. No, there comes a moment, and again I apply. Seven hundred, eight hundred resolutions a day. So you will want to sometimes ... - The old man laughed thinly, lasciviously. - Sometimes I want to pinch ... grasses, berries ... damn it! .. And, you know, I make a decision ... eight hundred and one: a smoke break! There is one such ... Princess Nesmeyana, so wait, we will descend upon her.

The secretary Milka entered again:

- Siamese cat Tishka jumped from the eighth floor.

- Crashed?

- Crashed.

The old man thought ...

“Write it down,” he ordered. - Timofey the cat could not resist.

- Everything? - asked the secretary.

- Everything. What's the final resolution today?

- Seven hundred and forty-eighth.

- Smoke break.

Secretary Milka nodded her head. And she left.

- To the princess, friend! - exclaimed the liberated Sage. - Now we will make her laugh! We'll make fun of her, Vanya. Sin, sin, of course, sin ... Huh?

- I'm nothing. Will we be in time before the third roosters? I still have to go.

- We'll make it! Sin, you say? Of course, of course, a sin. Not allowed, right? Sin, right?

- I'm not talking about that sin ... Devil, they say, they let him into the monastery - that's a sin.

The old man thought significantly.

- Damn it? Yes - he said incomprehensibly - It's not that simple, my friend, everything, my dear, is very, very difficult. And the cat ... Huh? Siamese. From the eighth floor! Go!

Nesmeyana was quietly furious with boredom.

At first she lay just like that ... She lay, lay and howled.

- I'll hang myself! She said.

There were also some young people, guys and girls. They were bored too. We lay in bathing suits among the ficuses under quartz lamps - sunbathing. And everyone was terribly bored.

- I'll hang it! - shouted Nesmeyana. - I can’t take it anymore!

The young people turned off the transistors.

- Well, let it be, - said one. - And what?

“Bring the rope,” he asked.

This one, who was asked, lay down, lay down ... sat down.

- And then a stepladder? - he said. - And then - to look for a hook? I'd rather kick her in the face.

“Don’t,” they said. - Let him hang himself - maybe it will be interesting.

One girl got up and brought a rope. And the guy brought a stepladder and put it under the hook on which the chandelier hung.

“Take off the chandelier for now,” they advised.

- Take it off yourself! - the guy snapped.

Then the one who advised to remove the chandelier got up and climbed the ladder to remove the chandelier. Little by little they moved ... The case appeared.

- The rope needs some soap.

- Yes, the rope is soaped ... Where is the soap?

Let's go look for soap.

- Do you have soap?

- Household ... Nothing?

- Who cares! Hold the rope. Will it break off?

- How much in you, Alka? - Alka this is Nesmeyana. - How much do you weigh?

- Eighty.

- Will survive. Lather.

They lathered the rope, made a loop, tied the end to the hook ... Climbed off the ladder.

- Come on, Alka.

Alka-Nesmeyana sluggishly got up ... yawned and climbed the stepladder. I got in ...

“Have the last word,” someone asked.

- Oh, just don’t! All the others protested.

- Don't, Alka, don't tell.

- This is just not enough!

- I beg you, Alka! .. No need for words. You better sing.

“I’m not going to sing or speak,” said Alka.

- Clever girl! Let's.

Alka put a noose around her neck ... She stood there.

- Then push the ladder with your foot.

But Alka suddenly sat down on the step-ladder and again howled:

- It's boring too, oh! .. - she sang or began to cry. - Not funny, oh!

They agreed with her.

- Really…

- Nothing new: it was, it was.

- Besides, pathology.

- Naturalism.

And then the Sage and Ivan entered.

“Here, if you please,” the old man began cheerfully, giggling and rubbing his hands, “they are fooling with boredom. Well, young people, of course, all the means have been tried, but how to get rid of boredom - there is no such remedy. Is that so? Nesmeyanushka?

“You promised to come up with something last time,” Nesmeyana said angrily from the ladder.

- And I came up with! - exclaimed the old man cheerfully. - I promised, and I came up with. You, good gentlemen, in your search for so-called fun, have completely forgotten about the people. But I didn’t get bored! The people laughed! .. He knew how to laugh. There have been moments in history when people drove entire hordes from their land - and only with laughter. Hordes surrounded the fortress walls on all sides, and beyond the walls a mighty laugh was suddenly heard ... The enemies were lost and retreated. You need to know the history, dear people ... Otherwise we are ... too witty, intellectual ... but we do not know our native history. Oh, Nesmeianushka?

- What have you come up with? - asked Nesmeyana.

- What have I come up with? I took it and turned to the people! The old man said, not without pathos. - To the people, to the people, my dear. What will we sing, Vanya?

- Yes, I am somehow embarrassed: they are all naked ... - said Ivan. - Let them at least get dressed, or something.

The young people were indifferent to keep silent, and the old man giggled indulgently - he showed that he, too, was not delighted with these medieval ideas of Ivan about bashfulness.

- Vanya, this is ... Well, let's just say: it's not our mind's business. Our business is to sing and dance. Right? Balalaika!

They brought a balalaika.

Ivan took it. Tinkered, tinkered - tweaked ... I went out the door ... And suddenly flew into the room - almost with a whistle and with a whoop - with a ditty:

Eh, my dear,

My stirrer,

She walks herself stirring ...

- Oh! .. - groaned young and Nesmeyana - Don't! Oh please…

- Don't, Vanya.

- So, - said the old man. - In the language of the people it is called - not prohonzhe. Let's move the reserve. Re-dance! Vanya, pli!

- Go to hell! - Ivan got angry. - What am I to you, Petrushka? You see, they are not funny! And I'm not funny either.

- What about the certificate? The old man asked ominously. - A? Help ... You have to earn it.

- Well, right away - into the bushes. How is it, dad?

- And how! But we agreed.

- But they are not funny! It would be at least ridiculous, by God, but that's it ... Well, it's a shame, well ...

“Don't torture the person,” Nesmeyana said to the old man.

- Give help, - Ivan became nervous. - And so many failed. I won't be in time. The first roosters, when isho sang! And I must go and go.

But the old man decided to cheer up the youth. And he set off on a very, very shameful twist - he decided to make Ivan a laughingstock: so the hunt began to please his "princess", so the old sinner became unbearable. In addition, he was annoyed that he could not make these bored rams laugh in any way.

- Help? He asked with silly bewilderment. - What kind of help?

- Hello? - Ivan exclaimed. - I told you ...

- I forgot, repeat.

- That I'm smart.

- A! - "remembered" the old man, all trying to involve the youth in the bad game too. - You need a certificate that you are smart. I remembered. But how can I give such a certificate? A?

- You have a seal ...

- Yes, there is a seal ... But I don’t know whether you are smart or not. For example, I will give you a certificate that you are smart, and you are a fool, a fool. What will it be? It will be a forgery. I cannot go for it. Answer me three questions first. If you answer - I'll give you a certificate, if you don't answer - don't blame me.

- Come on, Ivan said reluctantly. - In all the prefaces it is written that I am not a fool at all.

- The prefaces are written ... Do you know who writes the prefaces?

- Is that the first question?

- No no. This is not a question yet. This is so ... The question is this; What did Adam say when God took out his rib and created Eve? What did Adam say at the same time? - The old man looked sideways and slyly at his "princess" and at the other young people: he asked how they accepted this venture with the exam. He himself was pleased. - Well? What did Adam say?

“It's not funny,” said Nesmeyana. - Stupid. Flat.

- Some kind of amateur performance - said others. - Idiocy. What did he say? "He himself created, he himself and live with her"?

The old man laughed obsequiously and fired his finger at the young man who had made such a joke. - Very close! .. Very!

- I could have said it more cleverly.

- Wait a minute ... Wait a minute ... - the old man fussed. - The most interesting thing is how Ivan will answer! Vanya, what did Adam say?

- Can I ask a question too? - Ivan asked in turn. - Later…

- No, first answer: what did you say ...

- No, let him ask - Nesmeyana was capricious. - Ask, Vanya.

- What can he ask? How much is a sack of oats at the bazaar?

- Ask, Vanya. Ask, Vanya. Vanya, ask. Ask, Vanya!

- Well, this is already childishness, - the old man was upset. - Okay, ask, Vanya.

- Tell me why you have one extra rib? - Ivan, imitating the old man, aimed his finger at him.

- That is? - he was taken aback.

- No, no, not “that is,” but why? - got interested in Nesmeyana. - And why did you hide it?

“This is already curious,” others also got interested. - Extra rib? This is out of the ordinary! ..

- So this is where all the wisdom comes from!

- Oh, how interesting it is!

- Show me, please. Oh please!

Young people began to surround the old man.

- Well, well, well, - the old man was frightened, - why so? What a joke? What, you liked the idea of ​​a fool so much, or what?

The old man was surrounded more and more closely. Someone was already reaching for his jacket, someone was tugging at his pants - they decided to undress the Sage without any jokes.

- And to hide really such an advantage ... Why?

- Hold your jacket, hold your jacket! .. Oh, you can't really feel them here!

- Stop it! - shouted the old man and began to resist with all his might, but only provoked him more. - Stop this mess immediately! It's not funny, you know? This is not humor, this is not humor! The fool was joking, and they ... Ivan, tell me you were joking!

- In my opinion, I already groped! .. The shirt interferes, - one hefty guy with might and main pushed. - He also has a T-shirt ... No, warm underwear! Synthetic. Therapeutic. Hold on your shirt ...

The Sage's jacket and trousers were removed. They took off their shirt. The old man appeared in warm underwear.

- This mess! He shouted. - There is no reason for humor here! When is it funny? It's funny when intentions. end and means - everything is distorted! When there is a deviation from the norm!

The big guy gently patted his round belly.

“And this… isn't it a deviation?

- Hands off! The old man yelled. - Idiots! Nerds! .. No idea what is funny! .. Nerds! Lazybones ...

At this time, he was carefully tickled, he laughed loudly and wanted to break out of the encirclement, but the young bulls and heifers stood very tightly.

- Why did you hide about the presence of an extra rib?

- What rib? Oh, ha-ha-ha! .. But where? Ha-ha-ha! .. Oh, I can't! .. This is ... Ha-ha-ha! .. This is ... Ha-ha-ha! ..

- Let him tell.

- It's primitive! This is Stone Age humor! Everything is stupid, starting with the rib and ending with your desire ... Ha-ha-ha! .. Oh-oh-oh! .. - And then the old man farted, so it was - like an old man, gave a low voice, and he himself was very scared, all roused and cringed.

And with the young, hysteria began. Now they were laughing, but how! - excitedly, lay down. Nesmeyana swayed dangerously on a stepladder, wanted to get off, but could not move with laughter. Ivan climbed and took it off. And put it next to the others - to laugh. He himself found the old man's trousers, rummaged in his pocket ... and found it. Seal. And he took it.

- While you are here to study - he said - and it's time for me to go.

- Why are you all ... printing? - the Sage asked pitifully - Come on, I'll give you a certificate.

- I myself will now issue certificates. Everyone in a row, - Ivan went to the door. - Goodbye.

“This is treachery, Ivan,” said the Sage. - Violence.

- Nothing of the kind, - Ivan also began to pose. - Violence is when they beat in the teeth.

- I'm going to impose a resolution! - declared the Sage with a threat. - I'll put it on - you will dance!

- Weak, dad! - shouted from the company of young people. - Put it down!

- My beloved! - wrung her hands in a prayer of Nesmeyan. - Apply! Sway the atmosphere!

- Solution! The Sage announced solemnly. - This humor of this collective of fools is declared stupid! And also untimely and animal, in connection with which he is deprived of the right to express a quality, hereinafter referred to as laughter. Point. My so-called surprise is considered invalid.

And suddenly wondrous, impetuous music burst out ... And the chorus. The chorus seems to be singing and moving - dancing.

Song of devils

Hallelujah - behold

Three or four - that's it.

Hanky ​​panky.

Hanky ​​panky.

Hallelujah-ah!

Hallelujah-ah!

We will take with us on a hike

For an agreeable people -

Polish.

Polish.

Hallelujah-ah!

Hallelujah-ah!

Ours is for you

With a brush;

Under the fence

Under the fence -

Let's get some culture.

Let's get some culture.

Hallelujah-ah!

Hallelujah-ah!

This is where they sing and dance so wonderfully? Where do they know how to rejoice? Uh! .. That in the monastery. Damn. They drove all the monks out of there, and they themselves have fun.

When our Ivan came to the monastery, it was deep night. Above the forest, close, hung the moon. There was now a devil guard at the gate. The monks stuck around the fence and watched what was going on in the monastery. And there was just a merry demonic move: the devils walked in procession and sang with a dance. And their song was carried far around.

Ivan felt sorry for the monks. But when he got closer, he saw the monks standing and twitching their shoulders in time to the damn music. And they gently tap with their feet. Only a few - mostly elderly ones - sat in sorrowful positions on the ground and shook their heads ... But here's a curiosity; though sadly they swayed, but still to the beat. Yes, and Ivan himself - stood a little and did not notice how he began to twitch and stamp his foot, as if an itch seized him.

But the screeching and chanting died down in the monastery - apparently, the devils were tired, they took the rest. The monks moved away from the fence ... And then suddenly a guard-monk got out of the ditch and went from drunken eyes to his former place.

- Well, scatter! He said to the devil. - How are you here?

The devil guard smiled indulgently.

- Go, go, uncle, go sleep it off. Get away!

- This is what is it ?! - the monk was amazed. - By what right? How did you get here?

- Go sleep it off, then I'll explain your right to you. Pshal!

The monk started to climb to the devil, but he rather sensitively poked him with his lance.

- Pshel, they say! They fill their eyes and climb ... It is not allowed to come up! There is an instruction hanging: to approach the gate no closer than ten meters.

- Ax you, harya! - scolded the monk - Oh, you goat abortion! .. Well, okay, okay ... Let me come to my senses, I'll show you the instructions. I'll hang you myself instead of instructions!

“And you’re not supposed to express yourself,” the devil remarked sternly. - Otherwise I will quickly identify you - there you will express yourself as much as you like. He will call him names! I'll call you guys! Get out of here, while I ... Get out of here! Beer barrel. Get out!

- Agafangel! - called the monk. - Move away ... Otherwise you will make trouble. Get away from sin.

Agafangel, swaying, went home. I went and hummed:

On the wild steppes of Transbaikalia,

Where gold is dug in the mountains

Tramp, cursing fate ...

The devil guard giggled in his back.

“Agafangel…” he said, laughing. - And they will name it! More likely - "Agavinus". Or simply - "Vermouth".

- What is it, brothers, happened to you? - Ivan asked, sitting down to the monks. - Kicked out?

“They kicked out,” one gray-bearded sighed. - Yes, how they kicked out! With pinches, that's how they kicked out! We asked for you.

“Trouble, trouble,” said another quietly. - That's really a misfortune, such a misfortune: unprecedented. Never seen such a thing.

- We have to endure, - replied a completely decrepit old man and weakly blew his nose. - Strengthen and endure.

- But what to put up with ?! - Ivan exclaimed. - What to endure? You have to do something!

“You are young,” they reasoned with him. - That's why you make noise. If you are older, you will not make noise. What to do? What can you do here - you see, what a power!

- This is for our sins.

- For sins, for sins ... We must endure.

- We will endure.

Ivan with force, evil, hit his knee with his fist. And he said bitterly:

- Where was my bad head ?! Where was she, pumpkin ?! I am guilty, brothers, I am guilty! I gave you a drink. Sin is on me.

“Well, well, well,” they began to calm him down. - What you? Eka, how grabbed you. What are you?

- Eh-h! .. - Ivan lamented. And he even cried. - How much did I take per soul ... for one trip! How hard it is for me! ..

- Well, well ... Don't be punished, don't. What are you going to do now? We must endure, dear.

Then the Graceful Devil came out of the gate and addressed everyone.

- Little men, - he said, - there is a trash! Who wants to make money?

- Well? What is it? - the monks stirred. - What do you need?

- You have portraits hanging there ... in several rows ...

- Our saints, what portraits?

- They need to be rewritten: they are outdated.

The monks were taken aback.

- And who should you write instead of them? The oldest monk asked quietly.

Now everyone is silent. And they were silent for a long time.

“Thunder from heaven,” said the old monk. - Here it is, kara-something.

- Well? - hastened the Graceful Devil. - Is there a master? We'll pay decently ... All the same, you just sit around idle.

- Hit them! One monk suddenly shouted.

And several people jumped up ... And rushed to the devil, but he quickly ran into the gate, behind the guard. And at the moment other devils adjusted to the guard and put forward their pikes. The monks stopped.

“What are you all the same… rude,” the Graceful Devil told them from behind the stockade. - The ill-mannered. To educate and educate you ... Savages. Poshekhon. Nothing, we will take care of you now - And he left.

And as soon as he left, in the depths of the monastery music struck again ... And the resounding clatter of hooves on the cobblestone was heard - devils were beating a massive tap dance on the square. Ivan grabbed his head and walked away.

He walked through the forest, and he was still chasing, catching up, lashing cursed music, devilish dance. Ivan walked and cried - it was so bitter in his soul, so disgusting. He sat down on the same fallen forest on which he sat last time. He sat down and thought. A Bear came up from behind and sat down too.

- Well, did you? - he asked.

- I went, - Ivan responded. - It would be better not to go ...

- What? Didn't give a certificate?

Ivan only waved his hand, did not speak - it was painful to speak.

The bear listened to the distant music ... And understood everything without words.

“These…” he said. - Is everyone dancing?

- Where do they dance? They dance in the monastery!

- Oh, honest mother! - the Bear was amazed. - Gone?

- Gone.

- Well, that's it, - said the Bear doomed, - we have to leave. I knew what would pass.

They were silent.

- Listen, - the Bear spoke, - you are closer to the city there ... What are the conditions in the circus?

- It seems like nothing ... I really do not know very well, but so, I hear, nothing.

- How about food, I wonder ... How many times a day?

- The jester knows him. Do you want to go to the circus?

- Well, what to do? Whether you want it or not, you’ll go. How much more?

- Yes, - Ivan sighed. - Affairs.

- Are they very disgraceful? - asked the Bear, lighting a cigarette. - These?

- And what ... they will look, or something!

- This is ... not for that they tried. They will be dancing now. Ugh, my mother’s soul is completely! .. - The bear coughed. For a long time he coughed with a wheeze. - They will also refuse ... the circus. Gathered ... will be rejected. Light as a rag of steel. It used to be a bouncer's cork - it flew out with a shaft thick, and just now I chased after a cow ... kho, kho, khokh ... I ran a mile and stuck out my tongue. And there I suppose the weights must be lifted.

“You have to walk on your hind legs there,” Ivan said.

- Why? - the Bear did not understand.

- Why, you don't know, or what? Those who are fed on their hind legs know how. Any dog ​​knows ...

- Yes, what interest?

“I don’t know that.

The bear paused. He was silent for a long time.

“Well, well,” he said.

- Do you have a family? - Ivan asked.

- Where! .. - Mikhailo Ivanovich exclaimed bitterly, with despair. - Dispersed. He got drunk, started to brawl something - they all fled. I don’t know where now. - He was still silent. And suddenly he got up and barked: - Well, curva! I'll drink some vodka, take a shaft and go to destroy the monastery!

- Why the monastery, then?

- They are there!

- No, Mikhailo Ivanovich ... don't. You won't get there.

Mikhailo Ivanitch sat down and began lighting a cigarette with trembling paws.

- You do not drink? - asked.

“In vain,” Mikhailo Ivanovich said angrily. - It becomes easier. Would you like to teach?

“No,” Ivan said resolutely. - I tried it - it is bitter.

- Vodka.

Mikhailo Ivanovich laughed deafeningly ... And he slapped Ivan on the shoulder.

- Eh, you child, child! .. Pure child, by God. Will I teach you?

- No. - Ivan got up from the forest. - I'll go: time is left with gulkin's nose. Goodbye.

“Goodbye,” said the Bear.

And they parted in different directions.

And Ivan came to the hut of Baba Yaga. And I was about to stomp past, when I heard - the name:

- Ivanushka, and Ivanushka! What's by then?

Ivan looked around - no one.

Ivan sees - a toilet, and on the door - a pood lock. And the voice is from there, from the toilet.

- Who's there? Ivan asked.

- Yes, I am, daughter of Baba Yaga ... mustache, remember?

- I remember how. Why are you there? Who are you?

- Help me out of here, Ivanushka ... Open the lock. On the porch, under the rug, there is a key, take it and open it. Then I'll tell you everything.

Ivan found the key, opened the lock. The mustached daughter of Baba Yaga jumped out of the toilet and began to hiss and spit.

- That's how it is with the brides today! .. Well, the snake! .. I won't forgive you, I'll arrange for you ...

- Was it Gorynych who caulked you there?

- Gorynych ... Ugh, serpent! Okay, okay ... an attic in a cube, I'll think of a guardhouse for you too, bastard.

- Why is he you? Ivan asked.

- Ask him! Educates. He is posing as a colonel - he put him in the guardhouse. Don't say too much! Such a club. - The daughter of Baba Yaga suddenly looked closely at Ivan. - Listen - she said - wanna be my lover? A?

Ivan was dumbfounded at first, but involuntarily looked at the mustachioed bride: she is mustachioed, but the rest is all with her, and even more - her breasts and all that. And a mustache ... that's ... what does a mustache mean? A dark strip on the lip, which is, in essence, a mustache, this is not a mustache, but this is a sign.

“I don’t understand something…” Ivan hesitated. - Somehow it's up to me ... not quite ... not that ...

- It's starting! - Ivan winced. - Zavankal.

- What's starting? - the bride did not understand, she could not hear Ilya's voice: it is not supposed to. - You might think that you are now and then forced into your mistresses.

- No, - said Ivan, - why? I mean that ... it means this ... the thing is something like that ...

- What are you mumbling for? Here it mumbles, here it turns. Yes, yes, no - no, what is there to twist? I'll call someone else.

- And Baba Yaga?

- She flew away to visit. And Gorynych is at war.

- Come on, - Ivan decided. - I have half an hour more. Let's indulge ourselves.

They entered the hut ... Ivan took off his little shoes and lay down at ease on the bed.

“Tired,” he said. - Oh, and I'm tired! Wherever you have been! And what kind of shame I have not seen and endured ...

- This is not for you to sit on the stove. Which is better: salad or eggs?

- Give something in a hurry ... Time - to the light.

- You will have time. Better we have an egg, on the way - more satisfying. - The daughter of Baba Yaga lit a light under the taganka on a pole, put a frying pan.

- Let it warm up for now ... Well, kiss me - how can you? - And the daughter of Baba Yaga pounced on Ivan and began to indulge and frolic. - Oh, you can't do anything! And he took off his bast shoes!

- Who can't? - Ivan hoisted the falcon. - I can not? Yes, I'll swing so fast here that you ... Hold your hand! Hold your hand! Yes, hold my hand, mine, so that it does not shake. There is? Hold the other, hold the other! .. Hold?

- I'm holding it? Well?..

- Let go, ah, - Ivan shouted.

- Wait, the frying pan is overheated, probably, - said the daughter of Baba-Yaga. - Look what you are! Will you make a baby for me?

- What not to do? - with might and main became infuriated Ivan. - At least two. Can you do it with him, with the baby? With the name, after all, fuss and fuss ... you know how much!

- I already know how to swaddle, - boasted the daughter of Baba Yaga. - Would you like to show me? Wait, I'll put the egg on ... and show it.

Ivan laughed:

- Oh well…

- Wait, you'll see. - The daughter of Baba Yaga put eggs on the fire and went up to Ivan. - Lie down.

- Why me?

- I'll wrap you up. Lie down.

Ivan lay down ... And the daughter of Baba Yaga began to swaddle him in sheets.

- My little one, - she said, - my little one ... My sonny. Well, smile at mommy. Well, how can we smile? Well? ..

- Ooh, ooh, - Ivan cried. - I want to eat, I want to eat! ..

Baba Yaga's daughter laughed:

- A-ah, zhrathenki wanted? Our little son wanted to eat ... Well, here we are ... we swaddled our little one. Wait, we'll give him some grunts ... we'll give everything. Well, smile at mommy.

Ivan smiled at "mommy".

- In-from ... - The daughter of Baba Yaga again went to kut. When she left, three heads of Gorynych stuck through the window from the street, right above the bed. And they froze, looking at the ripe Ivan ... And they were silent for a long time. Ivan even closed his eyes with horror.

- Utyusenki, - said Gorynych affectionately. - Little ... Why are you not smiling at your dad? You smile at your mom, but you don't want to dad. Well, smile. Well?

“I’m not funny,” Ivan said.

- Oh, we, probably, that? .. Yes, little?

“In my opinion, yes,” Ivan admitted.

- Mommy! - called Gorynych - Come on, my son crumpled.

Baba-Yaga's daughter dropped a frying pan with eggs on the floor ... She was dumbfounded. She was silent.

- Well, what about you? Why are you not happy? Daddy has come and you are sad. - Gorynych smiled with all three heads. - Don't you like daddy? They probably don’t like daddy, they don’t like ... They despise him. Then daddy will eat you. Daddy will eat you ... With bones! - Gorynych stopped smiling. - With a mustache! With poop! Passion played out ?! He thundered in chorus. - Have you decided to scratch your lust ?! Games started ?! Performances? .. I'll swallow this whole booth in one go!

- Gorynych, - Ivan said almost hopelessly, - and I have a seal with me ... I got a whole seal instead of a certificate. This is ... that ... thing! So don't yell here. Don't shout! - Ivan - out of fear or something - suddenly began to gain height and strength in his voice. - Why are you broke? Nothing to do? He grasps ... He, you see, will eat us! There she is, the seal - look! Over there, in your pants. Look if you don't believe! I will print it on three foreheads, then you will ...

Here Gorynych grinned and vomited fire from one head, scorched Ivan. Ivan fell silent ... He just said quietly:

“Don't play with fire. Fool's jokes.

The daughter of Baba Yaga fell on her knees in front of Gorynych.

“My beloved,” she said, “just don't get me wrong, I cooked it for you for breakfast. I wanted to make a surprise. I think: Gorynych will arrive, and I have something tasty for him ... warm, in the sheets.

- Here are the creatures! - Ivan was amazed. - They will gobble it up and say: this is how it should be, it is so conceived. In, a couple got together! Ugh! .. Eat, you breakthrough! Eat, do not waste time! I curse you!

And only Gorynych got ready to rude Ivan, only opened his mouths, the Don Ataman from the library flew into the hut like a whirlwind.

- Got it, son of a bitch ?! - he shouted at Ivan. - Did you jump ?! Swaddled!

Gorynych perked up all over, threw up his head ...

- What else is it? He hissed.

- Let's go to the clearing, - the Ataman told him, taking out his inseparable saber. - There will be more able to fight - He looked at Ivan again ... Frowned reproachfully. - Straight gift in a bag. How are you so?

- Blundered, Ataman ... - Ivan was ashamed to look at the bottom. - Mahu gave ... Help, for Christ's sake.

- Do not grieve, - said the Cossack, - They didn’t let the blood go to such blood-eaters, but this one ... I’ll brush them off at once, all three. Went. How you? Gorynych? Come on, let's grab. Well, ugly!

- What is my breakfast today! - exclaimed Gorynych. - Three-course meal. Went.

And they went to fight.

Soon heavy blows and indistinct exclamations were heard from the clearing. The battle was fierce. The earth shook. Ivan and the daughter of Baba Yaga were waiting.

- And what did he say about three dishes? - asked the daughter of Baba Yaga. “Didn't he believe me?”

Ivan was silent. I listened to the sounds of the battle.

- I did not believe it - decided the daughter of Baba Yaga. - Then he will devour me too: I will go as dessert.

Ivan was silent.

The woman was also silent for a while.

- And the Cossack! .. - she exclaimed flatteringly. - What a brave one. Who do you think will prevail?

Ivan was silent.

“I’m for the Cossack,” the woman continued. - And who are you for?

- Oh, - Ivan groaned. - I'll die. From a ruptured heart.

- What is wrong? The woman asked sympathetically. - Let me undress you - And she came up to undress Ivan, but stopped and thought - No, we will wait until ... The devil knows how they are there? Let's wait.

- Kill me! - Ivan begged. - Stick it with a knife ... I can't stand this torment.

- We will wait, we will wait, - the woman said soberly. - Let's not flog a fever. It is important not to be mistaken here.

At this time, the clearing became quiet. Ivan and the daughter of Baba Yaga froze in anticipation ... The Ataman entered, staggering.

“A healthy bull,” he said. - Overpowered by force, And where is this ... Ah, here it is, stealing! Well, what are we going to do? Follow your friend to send you, reptile?

- Tu, tu, tu, - the daughter of Baba Yaga waved her hands. - Oh, these Cossacks to me! Take it immediately on the throat. Do you at least find out first what happened here!

“I don’t know you!” - Ataman swaddled Ivan and again turned to the woman: - What was there?

- Why, he almost raped me! Such an oahal, such an oahal! .. I will caress you, he says, to the point of insanity ... And the offspring, they say, will leave: in spite of Gorynych. Such a militant, such a militant - and it burns. - And the daughter of Baba Yaga giggled immodestly - Direct light!

Ataman looked at Ivan in surprise.

- Listen to her more! - Ivan exclaimed bitterly. - And really, to kill you, but sin on the soul is reluctant - and so there ... a lot of everyone. At least wait would not be spinning!

“But no matter how militant he is,” the woman continued, as if she hadn’t heard Ivan, “nevertheless, I have never met men more militant than you, Cossack.

- And what do you look like fighting? - Ataman asked playfully. And he adjusted his mustache.

- Give it up! - Ivan said - We'll be lost. Don't listen to her, snake.

- Well, why disappear ... We will take her prisoner.

- Come on, Ataman: we have no time at all. The roosters are about to burst.

- You go, - the Ataman ordered, - and I will catch up with you. We're a little here ...

“No,” Ivan said firmly. - I will not move from the place without you. What will Ilya tell us?

- Mkh-h, - the Cossack was upset. - OK. Okay ... Let's not upset Muromets. Until another time, stealing! Look, you mustache. Oh, we will clash with you someday ... mustache on mustache! - Ataman laughed loudly - Come on, Ivashka. Say thank you to Ilya - he sensed trouble. But he warned you, which he did not hear?

- Well ... you see, we are so militant ... I didn’t hear.

Ivan and Ataman left.

And the daughter of Baba-Yaga sat on the bench for a long time, thinking.

- Well, who am I now? - Asked an eye to herself. And she answered herself: - A widow is not a widow and not a husband's wife. We need to look for someone.

In the library, Ivan and the Donets were greeted noisily and joyfully.

- Thank God, they are alive and well.

- Well, Ivan, you startled us! That's how frightened! ..

- Vanyusha! Poor Liza called. - Oh, Vanyusha!

- Wait, girl, don't go, - Ilya stopped her, - let me first find out: how did you go, Vanka? Got a certificate?

- I got a whole seal - here it is. - And Ivan gave the seal.

They looked at the seal for a long time with surprise, twisted it this way, that way ... They passed it on to each other. The last person she got to was Ilya: he also twirled the seal in his huge fingers for a long time ... Then he asked everyone:

- Well, so ... And what to do with her?

Nobody knew that.

- And why send a person so far? - Ilya also asked.

And this, too, now no one knew. Only Poor Liza, the leading Poor Liza, wanted to jump out with an answer:

- How do you say, Uncle Ilya ...

- How do I say? - Muromets interrupted her harshly. - I say: why was it necessary to send a person so far? Here is the seal ... What's next?

Poor Liza did not know this either.

- Sit down, Vanka, sit down and sit, - ordered Ilya. - And then soon the roosters will burst.

- We wouldn't be in prison, Ilya! Ivan suddenly boiled over something. - We shouldn't sit here! ..

- Why then? - Ilya was surprised. - Well, dance then. Why is it soared? - Ilya grinned and looked attentively at Ivan. - Eka ... what came.

- Which? - Ivan did not calm down. - So I came - guilty all around. Sit here! ..

“So sit down and think,” Ilya said calmly.

- Let's go to the Volga! - another traveler, Ataman, jumped up. He grabbed the cap off his head and slammed it on the floor. - Why sit ?! Saryn! ..

But before he had time to shout his "saryn", the trumpet voice of the cock rang out: then the third struck. Everyone jumped onto their shelves and froze.

- Hat! - shouted the Ataman. - I left my hat on the floor.

- Quiet! - ordered Ilya - Do not get under way! Then we will pick up ... Wait it is impossible.

At this time the key in the door lock rattled ... Aunt Masha, a cleaning lady, entered. She went in and began to clean up.

- Some kind of hat ... - she saw. And raised her hat. - What kind of hat ?! Some kind of wonderful - She looked at the shelves with books - Whose is it?

The characters sat quietly, did not move ... And the Ataman sat quietly, did not show in any way that it was his hat.

Aunt Masha put her hat on the table and continued to clean up.

Here our fairy tale ends. There will be, maybe, another night ... Maybe something else will happen here ... But it will be another fairy tale. And this is the end.

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Vasily Shukshin.Until the third cocks

Once in a library, in the evening, at about six o'clock, they argued
characters of Russian classical literature. Even when the librarian was at
place, they looked at her with interest from their shelves - they waited.
The librarian finally spoke to someone on the phone ... She spoke
strangely, the characters listened and didn't understand. They were surprised.
No, - said the librarian, - I think it's millet. He
goat ... We'd better walk along. A? No, well, he's a goat. We'll walk
So? Then let's go to Vladik ... I know that he is a ram, but he has a "Grundik" -
let's sit ... The seal will come too, then this one will be ... an owl ... Yes, I know
that they are all goats, but we must somehow shoot the time! Well, well ... I'm listening ...
I don't understand anything, - someone in a top hat said quietly - either Onegin, not
then Chatsky - to his neighbor, a heavy landowner, it seems, Oblomov.

Oblomov smiled:
- They are going to the zoo.
- Why are all the goats?
- Well ... apparently, irony. Pretty. A?

The gentleman in the top hat winced.
- Vulgarite.
“Give you all the French women,” Oblomov said with disapproval. -- A
it will look good to me.
With legs - they thought of it well. A?
Very much ... that ... - the dejected-looking gentleman interjected into the conversation,
clearly a Chekhovian character. - Very short. Why so?
Oblomov laughed softly:
- Why are you looking there? Take it and don't look.
- What is it to me, in essence? - Chekhov's character was embarrassed. -
Please. Why did they just start with their feet?
-- What? - Oblomov did not understand.
- Reborn something.
- And where do they come from? - Asked a satisfied Oblomov. - From the feet,
brother, and begin.
“You don’t change,” the Bumbled One remarked with hidden contempt.
Oblomov laughed softly again.
-- Volume! Volume! Listen! - the librarian shouted into the phone.
-- Listen! He's a goat!
Who has the car? Him? No seriously? - The librarian was silent for a long time
- listened.
- And what sciences? - asked - she is quiet. -- Yes? Then I myself am a goat ...
The librarian was very upset ... She hung up, sat just
so, then got up and left. And she locked the library.
Then the characters jumped off their shelves, moved chairs ... At a pace,
at the pace! - shouted someone of a bureaucratic appearance, bald. - Let's continue. Who
still wants to say about Ivan the Fool? Request: do not repeat yourself. And - in short.
We must make a decision today. Who?

Excuse me? Poor Liza asked.
- Come on, Liza, - said Bald.
- I myself am also one of the peasants, - began Poor Liza, - you all know,
how poor I am ...
- We know, we know! - everyone rustled. - Make it short!
“I’m ashamed,” Poor Liza continued hotly, “that Ivan the fool
is with us.
How can?! How long will he disgrace our ranks?
- Drive out! - shouted from the place.
-- Quiet! - said the bald clerk sternly, - What do you suggest,
Lisa?
“Let him get a certificate that he’s smart,” said Liza.
Here everyone rustled approvingly.
-- Right!
- Let him get it! Or let it clean up! ...
- What are you, however, nimble, - said the huge Ilya Muromets. He sat
on my shelf - I couldn't get up. - Broke. Where will he get it? Easily
to tell...

At the Sage. - The bald man, who was leading the meeting, angrily slapped his palm
across the table. - Ilya, I didn't give you a word!
- I didn't ask you. And I'm not going to ask. Close the slurp, and
I’ll make the ink drink at once. And have a snack with a blotter. Office rat.
- Well, it starts! .. - Oblomov said displeasedly. - Ilya, you would
just bark. And what a bad suggestion: let him get a certificate. Me too
awkward to sit next to a fool. He smells of footcloths ... and no one, I
I think not ...
- Cry! - Ilya thundered. - It's embarrassing for him. Would you like a club on the head?
I'll get it!
Then some, obviously superfluous, remarked: - Civil strife.
-- A? - did not understand Kontorsky.
“Civil strife,” said Superfluous. - We'll be gone.
- Who will be lost? - Ilya also did not see the danger of which he spoke
Extra. - Sit here, gussarch! Otherwise I'll get it once too ...
- I demand satisfaction! - Superfluous jumped up.
- Yes, sit down! - said Kontorsky. - What satisfaction?
- I demand satisfaction: this Karacharov seat insulted me.
“Sit down,” Oblomov said. - What to do with Ivan?
Everyone thought about it.
Ivan the Fool was sitting in the corner, making something out of the floor of his army,
like an ear.
“Think, think,” he said. - Clever people were found ... Doctors.
“Don't be rude, Ivan,” said Kontorsky. - They think about him, you know,
and he is still rude. How about some help? Maybe you can go get it?
-- Where?
- At the Sage ... You have to do something. I also lean ...
- I'm not inclined! - Ilya thumped again. - He bows. Well
bow as much as you like.
Don't go, Vanka. Some nonsense invented - help ... Who is this with
help jumped out?
Lizka? What are you, girl ?!
- And nothing - Poor Liza exclaimed. - If you are sitting, then that's all
should sit? Uncle Ilya, this sit-down agitation will not work for you! I AM
I subscribe to the presenter's demand: something must be done. - And she again
she said loudly and convincingly: - We must do something!
Everyone thought about it. And Ilya frowned.
“Some kind of sit-down campaign,” he grumbled. - Invents something
hitting. What kind of agitation?
- Yes, this is the most! - Oblomov jumped at him. - Sitting, you
said. "Ka-ka-aya". Shut up, please. We must, of course, do something,
friends. You just need to understand: what to do?
- And yet I demand satisfaction! - Superfluous recalled his insult. -
I challenge this bawker (to Ilya) to a duel.
- Sit down! - Kontorsky shouted at Superfluous. - Deal to do or duels
study? Stop fooling around. And so much has been thrown away ...
do, not run through the woods with pistols. Then everyone got excited, made a noise
approvingly.
- I would have banned these duels altogether! - shouted pale Lensky.
“Coward,” Onegin told him.
- Who is the coward?
-- You're a coward.
- And you are a quitter. Sharpie. The libertine. Cynic.
- Let's go to the Volga! - suddenly shouted some guly chieftain. -
Saryn to the kitsch!

Sit down! - Kontorsky was angry. - And then I'll show those "saryn". Zadvinu
for the closet yonder - you will eat there.
I ask again: what are we going to do?
-- Come to me. Ataman, - Ilya called the Cossack. - I'll tell you something.
- I warn you, - said Kontorsky, - if you start any
swara ... you can't take your head off. To me, too, you know, nuggets.
- Nothing can be said! - Ilya was bitterly indignant. - What are you ?!
Dogs of some kind, a true god: whatever you say - it's not like that.
- Just do not pretend, please, - Onegin said with contempt,
addressing Ilya and the Cossack - that only you are one of the people. We, too --
people.
- Wait they will tear the shirts on the chest, - said a certain small
a character like Gogol's Akaki Akakievich. - The sleeves will chew ...
- Why should I chew my sleeves? the Cossack chieftain asked sincerely.
“I’ll put you on one palm and slap you with the other.
“Everything is civil strife,” said Superfluous sadly. - Nothing now
we won't do it at all. In addition, we will also be lost.
- Let's go to the Volga! - the Ataman called again. - At least take a walk.
“Sit down,” Oblomov said angrily. - Reveler ... Everything would be for a walk, everything would be
for them to walk! Business must be done, not walking.
- Ah-ah, - suddenly ominously quietly stretched the Ataman, - here I was looking for a
all my life Here I need to coho ... - And he pulled a saber out of its scabbard. - That's who
Wait, I'm bleeding ... Everyone jumped up from their seats ...
Akaki Akakievich flew like a bird onto his regiment, Poor Liza sat down in
horror and closed herself with a sundress ... Onegin convulsively loaded a dueling
pistol, and Ilya Muromets laughed and said:
- Oh, running around ?! Did you run in, you drape devils ?! We ran in!
Oblomov blocked himself from the Cossack with a chair and shouted to him, straining:
- You ask literary historians! You ask! .. I was good! I AM
only a hopeless bummer ... But I'm harmless!
- But let's hang around, - said the Cossack, - fuck them, how good you are:
my saber is not good.
Kontorsky was poking his head towards Kazak, he swung at him, and Kontorsky
bounced off.
- Beat, Cossacks! - Ilya barked. - Chedi filthy blood!
And God knows what would have happened here if not for Akaki Akakievich. In the middle
of general confusion, he suddenly jumped up and shouted:
- Closed for registration!
And everyone froze ... They came to their senses. The Cossack hid his saber. Oblomov wiped his face
handkerchief, Liza got up and shyly straightened her sundress.
“Asia,” said Kontorsky quietly and bitterly. - Is it possible here
do something!
Thank you, Akaki. It somehow did not occur to me - to close the register.
- Ilya, do you have any wine? - asked the Cossack Muromets.
-- Where? - he responded. - I don’t drink.
- It's hard on the soul, - said the Cossack. - I will suffer ...
- And there is nothing here ... swinging, you know, - said Kontorsky. -
Let's continue. Lisa, you wanted to say something ...
- I propose to send Ivan the Fool to the Sage for help, - said
Lisa resoundingly and convincingly.
- If he does not bring a certificate to the third roosters, let ... I don’t
I know ... let him get away from us.
- Where is he? - Ilya asked sadly.
- Let him go to the second-hand bookshop! - Liza snapped hard.
- Oh, isn't it cool? - someone doubted.
“Not cool,” said Kontorsky, too harshly. - Not at all. Only
so. Ivan ...
- Ainki! - Ivan responded. And he got up.
- Go.

Ivan looked at Ilya.
Ilya bent his head and said nothing. And the Cossack also said nothing, only
wrinkled his face painfully and looked with his eyes on the shelves and on the table - everything, apparently,
looking for wine.
“Go, Vanka,” Ilya said quietly. - You can't do anything. Need to go.
See, what they are all ... scientists. Go and remember: you will not burn in fire, you will not
sinking ... I can't vouch for the rest.
- Want my saber? - the Cossack offered Ivan.
- Why do I need it? - he responded.
- Ivan, - said Ilya, - go boldly - I'll think about you. Where
trouble will overtake you ... Where they plan to destroy you, I will shout: "Vanka,
Look! "
- How do you know sho exho trouble has calmed down? - asked the Cossack.
- I'll find out. I teach with my heart. And you will hear my voice. Ivan went to
the middle of the library, bowed with all the bow ...
Armenian and went to the door.
- Do not remember dashingly, if where to waste, - said from the doorway.
- The Lord is with you, - said Oblomov. - Maybe you won't be lost.
“You’ll come with a certificate, Ivan,” Liza said excitedly, “I’m for
I will marry you.
“Why the hell do I need you,” Ivan said rudely. - I'm better than a princess
some kind of strangeness ...
- Don't, Ivan, - Ilya waved his hand, - don't get involved. All of them ... not
better than this one here.
- He pointed to Lisa. - Why do you need this certificate ?! What are you
did you go? Where's the guy ... looking at night! And will he give her a certificate,
your Sage? He's also sitting there ...
“You can't go without a certificate, Uncle Ilya,” Liza said resolutely. -- A
to you, Ivan, I will remember that I gave up on me. Oh, I will remember those!
“Go, go, Ivan,” said Kontorsky. - It's late for you
it is necessary to have time.
“Goodbye,” Ivan said. And he went out.

And he went where his eyes would look.
It was dark ... He walked, walked - he came to the forest. And where to go further, at all
does not know. He sat down on a tree stump, twirled.
- My poor little head, - he said, - you will be lost. Where is this Sage?
If only someone helped. But nobody helped him.
Ivan sat and sat, went on.
He walked, walked, sees - the light glows. Comes closer - there is a hut on
chicken legs, and around the pile of bricks, slate, all kinds of lumber.
-- Is there anybody here? - Ivan shouted.

Baba Yaga went out onto the porch ... She looked at Ivan and asked:
-- Who are you? And where are you going?
“Ivan the Fool, I’m going to the Sage for help,” Ivan replied. - Where is his
find, I do not know.
- Why do you need a certificate? - I don’t know either ... They sent me.
- A-a ... - said Baba Yaga. - Well, come in, come in ... Take a break from the road
I suppose you want to eat?
- Yes, I would not refuse ...
- Come in.
Ivan entered the hut.
The hut is like a hut, nothing like that. Large stove, table, two beds ...
- Who else lives with you? Ivan asked.
-- Daughter. Ivan, - Yaga began to speak, - and you are like a fool - absolutely that
fool?
-- Like this? - Ivan did not understand.
- Well, a complete fool, or was it that they christened you in the heat of the moment? It happens, annoyance
take - you shout: y, you fool! Sometimes I scream at my daughter: ooh, you fool
that "kaya1 And what a fool she is? She's so smart. Maybe with you too
such a story; people are used to; fool and fool, and you are not a fool at all, but
only ... ingenuous. A?
- I don’t understand, where are you getting at?
- Yes, I can see in your eyes: you are not a fool, you just
ingenuous. As soon as I saw you, I immediately thought: "Oh, and talented
guy! “You have written on your forehead:“ talent. ”You can guess at least yourself
about your talents? Or did you completely believe that you were a fool?
- I didn’t believe anything! - Ivan said angrily. - How am I about myself
believe that I am a fool?
- And what am I telling you? Here are the people, ah! .. You are building someday
did you?
- Well, how? .. With my father, with the brothers, houses were cut ... And why do you need?
- You see, I want to build a cottage for myself ... The materials were brought in, and
no one to build. Won't you take it?
- I need to get a certificate ...
- Why do you need it? - exclaimed Baba Yaga. - Build
cottage ... they will see him - all sorts of guests come to me - they will see
- right away: who did it? Who did - Ivan did ... Do you hear? Glory will go by
the whole forest.
- But what about the certificate? Ivan asked again. - I'm back without
certificates are not empty.
-- So what? - How? Where am I?
- You will be a stoker at the cottage ... When you build, plan
a little room in the basement ... Warm, quiet, no worries. Guests upstairs
bored - where? - went to Ivan: listen to different stories. And you lie to them
more ... Tell me different cases. I will take care of you. I will
your name is Ivanushka ...
“The hag is old,” Ivan said. - Look, what a net you have started!
She will call Ivanushka. Will I bend my hump at you? Hoo-hoo, not ho-ho,
granny?
- Ah, - Baba Yaga stretched out ominously, - now I understand who I have
a business; simulator, rogue ... type. We are like that - you know what we are doing? -
fry. Well, who is there ?! - And Yaga clapped her hands three times. - Guardians!
Take this fool, tie - we will fry him a little. Guards,
four healthy foreheads, grabbed Ivan, tied him up and put him on the bench.
- The last time I ask, - still tried Baba Yaga, - you will
to build a cottage?
“Damn you! - said Ivan proudly bound. - Scarecrow
garden ... You have hair growing in your nose.
- Into the oven! - Yaga yelled. And stamped her feet. - You bastard! Ham!
- I hear from the boor! - also shouted Ivan. - Echidna! You have not only in
nose, your hair grows on your tongue! .. Parasite!
-- Into the fire! - Yaga went on completely. - Wow! .. Ivan was raked and steel
push into the oven, into the fire.
- Oh, I shaved you on the rubble! - Ivan sang. - You gave me
stockings-boots! .. Op-tirdarpupia! I won't burn in the fire, hag! So i go
boldly! Only Ivan was pushed into the oven, bells rang in the yard,
horses.
- My daughter is coming! - Baba Yaga was delighted and looked out the window. - Ooh, yeah
with the groom together! That will be something for them to dine on.
The guards were also delighted, jumped, clapped their hands.
- The Serpent Gorynych is going, the Serpent Gorynych is going! they shouted. - Eh,
let's take a walk! Eh, and let's have a drink! The daughter of Baba Yaga entered the hut, also strongly
scary, with a mustache.

Vanka, look! - said Ilya.
- Why "Vanka", what "Vanka"! - Ivan exclaimed. -- What
vank something? We are always afraid of someone, we are afraid of someone. Every nit will be out
to build yourself ... to build a great creature, and then subdue it from fear. I do not want! Enough!
Tired of it! - Ivan really calmly sat down on the bench, took out a pipe and
whistled a little.
“Eat it,” he said, distracting himself from the pipe. - Are you going to eat? Eat. Gad.
Then kiss your mustachioed bride. Then give birth to mustachioed children and march with
name. You see, he will scare me! .. Fuck you! - And Vanka again
whistled into his pipe.
- Gorynych, - said the daughter, - spit, don't pay attention. Not
take offense.

But he is rude, - objected the first head. -- How is he
talking ?!
- He's desperate. He does not know what he is doing.
- I know everything, - Ivan interjected, having stopped playing the pipe. - I know everything. I'm
I'll pick up a march for you now ... for the future battalion ...
- Vanya, - said Baba Yaga meekly, - not rude, nephew. Why are you
So?
- Then, that there is nothing to take me to the arap. He, you see, will be here
Rotate your eyes! Rotate when you have a battalion of mustachioed - then rotate.
And wait there is nothing.
- No, well, he's rude with might and main! - almost crying said the first head -
Well, how is it?
“Cry, cry,” Ivan said harshly. - And we will laugh. The mustache.
“Stop pulling,” said the second head.
- Yes, stop pulling, - assented Ivan. - Why pull something? Enough
to pull.
- Oh! - the third head was amazed. -- Wow!
- Aha! - Ivan again foolishly assented. - In, give Vanka! Let's sing?
- And Vanka sang:

Eh, I shaved you
On the embankment
You gave me
Stockings-boots ...

Gorynych, in chorus:
Op - tirdarpupia! - finished Vanka. And it became quiet. And it was quiet for a long time.
- Do you know how to romance? - asked Gorynych.
- What kind of romances?
- Antique.
- How many ... Do you like romances? Please, father, I'll give them to you
string as much though. I'll fill up with romances. For example:

Khaz-damask udalo-oh,
Poor saklya yours,
Gold treasury
I'll shower you-ah! ..

A? Romance! .. - Vanka sensed a certain change in Gorynych, approached him
and patted one head on the cheek. - Mh, you are ... ferocious. You are my ferocious one.
- Do not be mischievous, - said Gorynych. “I’ll bite off my hand.”
Vanka withdrew his hand.
- Well, well, well, - he said peacefully, - who is so with the master
talking? I’ll take it and I won’t sing.
- You will, - said the head of Gorynych, which Ivan took a nap. -- I AM
I'll take you and bite off your head.
The other two heads laughed loudly. And Ivan is also shallow and sad
laughed.
“Then I won’t sing at all - there’s nothing. What am I going to sing about?
- Fillet, - said the head, which had just said "langet". It was
the stupidest head.
- And you should eat everything! - Ivan got angry at her. - Everything would be for her to eat! ..
Some kind of gullet.
- Vanyushka, not a Fordybach, - said Baba Yaga. - Sing it.
- Sing, - said the daughter too, - I got talking. There is a rumor - sing.
“Sing,” the first head ordered. - And you, too, sing.
-- Who? - Baba Yaga did not understand. -- We?
-- You. Sing it.
- Maybe I'm better alone? - vyaknula daughter; it didn’t suit her that she
will sing along to Ivan.
- Sing with a man ... excuse me, but ...
“Three, four,” Gorynych said calmly. - We started.

I will give a horse, I will give a saddle, -

Ivan sang, Baba Yaga and her daughter picked up:

I'll give my rifle,
And for that, for everything
Give me your wife.
You are already old, you are already se-ed,
She can't live with you
From young young le-em
You will ruin her-oh-oh.

Gorynych's inexpressive round eyes were moistened: like any despot,
he was teary.
“Next,” he said quietly.

We sat twice;
The moon sailed golden
Everything was silent all around.

And Ivan with feeling repeated once more, alone:

Eh, the month swam golden,
Everything was silent all around.,.

How do you live, Ivan? - asked the moved Gorynych,
-- In what sense? - he did not understand.
- Is the hut good?
- Oh. Wait, I live in the library, together with everyone.
- Do you want a separate hut?
-- No. Why do I need it?
-- Farther.

Until the last day ...

It is not necessary, - said Gorypych. - Skip it.
- How? - Ivan did not understand.
- Skip it.
- Gorynych, this is impossible, - Ivan smiled, - from the song the words are not
throw it out
Gorynych looked at Ivan in silence; this bad silence reigned again.
- But without this there is no song! - Ivan got nervous. -- Well? Songs
no!
- There is a song, - said Gorynych.
- But how is it? How is there something ?!
- There is a song. Even better - more concise.
- Well, look what they do! - Ivan even clapped himself in amazement
on the thighs. - They do what they want! No song without this, no song without
this, there is no song! .. I will not sing laconically. Everything.
- Vanya, - said Baba Yaga, - do not oppose.
- Fuck you! .. - Ivan was completely angry. - Sing it yourself. I won't. V
I saw you all to the grave! I'll devour you all myself! With a mustache together. And these three
pumpkins ... I'll fry them a little too ...
- Lord, how much patience is needed, - the first head of Gorynych sighed.
- How much effort you need to spend, nerves ... until you teach them. Neither education nor
education ...
- About "a little fry" - he said it well, - said the second
head. -- A?
- What mustache are you hinting at all the time? - asked Ivan the third
head. - All evening today I hear: mustache, mustache ... Who has mustache?
- A pa-aren smiles into a wheat mustache, - the first one jokingly sang
head. - How is there further about Khaz-bu-lat?
“She gave herself to me,” Ivan said clearly. It became quiet again.
- This is rude, Ivan, - said the first head. - This is bad aesthetics.
You live in the library ... how can you? You have nice guys there. Where
have you got this sexiness? You have there, I know, Poor Liza ... beautiful
girl, I knew her father ... Is she your bride?
-- Who? Lizka? What more!
- How? She's waiting for you.
- Let him wait - he will not wait.
- Hmm ... Fruit, - said the third head. And the head that is everything
time to gobbled up, objected:
“No, not a fruit,” she said seriously. - What kind of fruit? Already in
in any case - a langet. Perhaps even a barbecue.
- How is it going on? - remembered the first head. - With Khaz-damask.
“He killed him,” Ivan said obediently.
-- Whom?
- Khaz-bulat.
- Who killed?
- Hmm ... - Ivan frowned painfully. - Young lover killed
Khaz-bulat. The song ends like this: "The old man's head rolled into the meadow."
- This is also not necessary. This is cruelty, - said the head.
-- So how should it be?
The head thought.
-- They reconciled. He gave him a horse, a saddle - and they went home. On
What shelf are you sitting there, in the library?
- At the very top ... Next to Ilya and the Don Ataman.
- Oh! - all were surprised in one voice.
- I see, - said the smartest head of Gorynych, the first.
“You’ll only get enough of these fools ... Why are you going to the Sage?”
- For help.
- What kind of help?
- That I'm smart.
Three heads of Gorynych laughed loudly together. Baba Yaga and daughter too
chuckled.
- Do you know how to dance? - asked the smart head.
- I can, - Ivan answered. “But I won’t.
- He, in my opinion, knows how to cut cottages, - interjected Baba Yaga. -- I AM
raised this topic ...
-- Quiet! - Barked all three heads of Gorynych. - We are nobody else
they didn’t give a word!
“My priests,” Baba Yaga said in a whisper. - Nothing can be said!
-- It is forbidden! - the daughter also barked, And also at Babu Yaga. - Bazaar
some!
- Dance, Vanya, - the smartest head said quietly and affectionately.
- I will not dance, - Ivan stubbornly.
The head thought:
“You're going for help ...” she said. -- So?
-- Well? For help.
- The certificate will say: "Given to Ivan ... that he is smart."
Right? And - printing.
-- Well?
- You won't get there. - The clever head calmly looked at Ivan. -
There will be no help.
- How can I not get it? If I went, I’ll go.
-- Not. - The head was all looking at Ivan. - You won't get it. You are even from here
you won't come out. Ivan stood in painful meditation ... raised his hand and sadly
proclaimed:
- Seni!
“Three, four,” said the head. -- Went.
Baba Yaga and her daughter sang:

Oh, you canopy, my canopy,
Seni new mine ...

They sang and clapped their hands.

Canopy new-fresh
Lattice ...

Ivan moved in a circle, tapping with paws ... and his hands were hanging
along the body: he did not put his hands on his hips, did not raise his head, did not look with a falcon.
- Why don't you look with a falcon? the head asked.
“I’m looking,” Ivan replied.
- You're looking at the floor.
- The falcon can think about it?
-- About what?
- How to live further ... How to raise falcons. Have pity on me, Gorynych,
- Ivan begged.
- Well, how much? Enough...
“Ah,” said the clever head. - Now you have grown wiser. Now go
for help. And then he began here ... to build out of himself. Shmakodyavki. Whistlers. What
did you start acting out of yourself?
Ivan was silent.
- Stand facing the door, - ordered Gorynych.
Ivan stood facing the door.
“On my command, you’ll fly out of here at the speed of sound.
- With the sound - you had enough, Gorynych, - Ivan objected. -- I do not
I can do so.
- As you can. Ready ... Three, four! Ivan flew out of the hut.
Three heads of Gorynych, daughter and Baba Yaga laughed. - Come here, - called
Gorynych bride, - I will caress you.

And Ivan walked through the dark forest again ... And again there was no road, but there was
small animal trail Walked, walked Ivan, sat down on a fallen forest and
twisted.
“They’ve poured fertilizer into my soul,” he said sadly. - That's the same
how hard it is! I will get this help ...
The Bear came up from behind and also sat down on the forest.
- What is so sad, little man? - asked the Bear.
- But how! .. - said Ivan. - And I endured fear, and got drunk, and
danced ... And it's so hard now, it's so bad - lie down and
die.
- Where are you?
- And at a party ... The devil brought it in. At Baba Yaga's.
- Found someone to visit. Why are you going to her?
- Yes, I went along the way ...
- And "ud you go, then?"
- To the Sage.
- In-he where! - the Bear was surprised. -- Far.
- Do you know how to go to him?
- No, I've heard of this, but I don't know how to go. I myself, brother, with
I have risen from my familiar place ... I am going here too, but where I am going - I do not know.
- Have they kicked out, eh?
- Yes, and they did not chase away, and ... You yourself will leave. This is not far away -
monastery; well, we lived for ourselves ... And I ate near - there are many apiaries. AND
devils have chosen this monastery. Where did they get scared from! Overlaid the whole
monastery - they are not allowed inside, - they start music from morning till night,
drink, disgrace ...
- And what do they want?
- They want to go inside, and there are guards. So they deafen them,
the guards, the women of all the mummers are allowed in, the wine is forced on - they are knocked down
confused. They brought such rags to the neighborhood - blindfold and run. Passion
what is going on, the living soul disappears. I've learned to smoke near them ...

The bear took out a pack of cigarettes and lit it.
- There is no living ... I thought, I thought - no. I think we should leave, and
then I will learn to drink wine. Or I'll go to the circus. I got drunk a couple of times ...
- This is bad.
- How bad it is! He beat the bear ... I was looking for a lion in the forest ... Shame
head! No, I think we should leave. Here I go.
- Do they not know about the Sage? Ivan asked.
-- Who? Damn it? What do they not know? They know everything. Not just
contact you with the name, you will be lost. Get lost, boy.
- Oh well ... what, go?
- You will be lost. Try, of course, but ... Look. They are evil.
- I myself am evil Wait .. Worse than hell. That's how he distorted me! Total
broke.
-- Who?
-- Zmey Gorynych.
- Was he beating?
- Daine beat, and ... beating worse. And sang in front of him and danced ... Ugh! Better
I would have beat him.
- Humiliated?
- Humiliated. How humiliated! However, I will not survive these cases. Come back and
I will set them on fire. A?
- Come on, - said the Bear, - don't get involved. He is this, this
Gorynych ... Gad, one word. Give it up. Better leave. Alive gone, and then thank God.
You cannot beat this gang: they will get it everywhere.
They sat in silence, the Bear took a last drag on his cigarette, threw
trampled on the butt with his paw and stood up.
-- Goodbye.
“Goodbye,” Ivan responded. And he got up too.
- Be careful with the devils, - once again advised the Bear. -- These
they will be worse than Gorynych ... You will forget where you are going. You will forget everything in the world. Well
oozy tribe! The soles are being torn on the move. You won't have time to look back, and you will
they got caught on a leash.
“Nothing,” Ivan said. - God will not give, the pig will not eat.
I'll get out somehow. We must look for the Sage somewhere ...
my head! And the time - until the third roosters only.
- Well, hurry up if that's the case. Goodbye.
-- Goodbye. And they parted. From the darkness, the Bear shouted:
- Look, do you hear the music?
-- Where?
- Yes, listen! .. "Black Eyes" are playing ...
- I hear!
- Go to the music - they are. You see, they are playing up! Oh my God! - sighed
Bear. - Here is the world scabies! Well, scabies ... They don't want to live in a swamp,
They do not want to, they want to be in their cells.

And there were gates and a high fence. On the gate it is written:

"Devil's not allowed in."

At the gate stood a large guard with a pike in his hands and
around. All around there was a kind of sluggish bedlam - such a pause after a stormy
sabbath. Which of the devils, thrusting their hands into the pockets of narrow trousers, gently beat
hooves lazy tap dance, who leafed through magazines with pictures, who shuffled
cards ... One juggled with skulls. The two in the corner were learning to stand on their heads.
A group of devils, spreading newspapers on the ground, sat around brandy and snacks -
drank. And four - three musicians with guitars and a girl - stood straight
in front of the guard; the girl sang beautifully "Black Eyes". Guitarists at least
beautifully accompanied her. And the girl herself is very beautiful, on
beautiful hooves, in beautiful pants ... However, the guard calmly looked at
her - for some reason he was not worried. He even smiled indulgently into his mustache.
- Bread and salt! - said Ivan, going up to those who were drinking.
They looked him over from head to toe ... and turned away.
- Why don't you invite me with you? - Ivan asked harshly.
They looked at him again.
- And what kind of prince are you? - asked one, obese, with large horns.
- I am such a prince that if wait I carry you over the bumps, then you will be in tatters
will fly. Become!
The devils were amazed ... They looked at Ivan.
- I told who ?! - Ivan kicked the bottles. -- Become!!
The fat one jumped up and climbed onto Ivan, but his own people grabbed him and dragged him away.
to the side. Before Ivan appeared someone graceful, middle-aged, wearing glasses.

What's the matter, buddy? - he spoke, taking Ivan's arm. - What are we
making noise? Mm? Do we have a bo-bo? Or what? Or is the mood spoiled? What
necessary?
“We need a certificate,” Ivan said angrily.
Devils still approached them ... Such a circle was formed, in the center of which
angry Ivan stood.
“Continue,” the Graceful shouted to the musicians and the girl. - Vanya, what
do you need a certificate? About what?
- That I am smart.
The devils looked at each other ... They quickly and incomprehensibly talked among themselves.
“Shizo,” one said. - Or an adventurer.
“It doesn't look like it,” said another. - It is being issued somewhere. Total
do you need one certificate?
- One.
- And what kind of certificate, Vanya? They are different ... It happens -
characteristic, certificate ...
There is about the presence, there is about the absence, there is "in that", there is "since",
there is "in view of the fact that", and there is "together with that" - different, you know?
Which one were you told to bring?
- That I'm smart.
- I don't understand ... A diploma, or what?
- Help.
- But there are hundreds of them! There is "due to the fact that", there is "in spite of
what "is ...
“I’ll carry it over the bumps,” Ivan said threateningly. - It will be sickening. Or
I will sing "Our Father".
- Calmly, Vanya, calmly, - the Graceful Devil became nervous. -- Why
to raise the wave?
We can do any kind of help, you just need to understand - which one? We are for you
let's do ...
- I don't need a phony certificate, - Ivan said firmly, - I need
such as the Sage gives out.
Then the devils started to cry all at once.
- He only needs the kind that the Sage gives out.
- Oh! ..
- Linden does not suit him ... Oh, what an incorruptible soul! Which
Angelico!
- What a metropolitan! He will sing to us "Our Father". And "I would dry with a crust
ate "will you sing for us?
- Sha, devils! Sha ... I want to know: how is he going to carry us over the bumps? He
he takes us to the arap! That is elementary arapinism! What does it mean that this
Will the poshekhon carry us?
More devils came up. Ivan was surrounded from all sides. And everyone looked and
waving their hands.
- He knocked over the brandy!
- This is rudeness! What does it mean that he will carry us over the bumps? What is it
means? This is chantage?
- The Big Eagle Cup to him!
- Tumakov to him! Tumakov!
The case could turn out badly: Ivan was pressed.
- Sha, devils! Sha! - Ivan shouted. And raised his hand. - Sha, devils! There is
offer!..
“Sha, brothers,” said the Graceful Devil. - There is a proposal. Let's hear
offer. Ivan, the Graceful Devil and a few other devils stepped aside and
began to confer. Ivan said something in an undertone nm, looked aside
guard. And others also looked in the same direction. Before the guard is still
the girl and the musicians "kept watch"; the girl was now singing an ironic song
"Are you a man!" She sang and danced.
“I'm not very sure,” said Graceful Devil. - But ... Huh?
“This needs to be checked,” the others said. - It makes sense.
- Yes, it should be checked. This makes sense.
"We'll check it out," Graceful Devil said to his assistant.
- It makes sense. If this number passes with us, we send with
Ivan is our devil, and he makes it so that the Sage accepts Ivan. To him
very difficult to get into.
- But no deception! - said Ivan. - If the Sage does not accept me, I
with these hands here ... I take your devil ...
- Sha, Ivan, - said the Graceful Devil. - No need for unnecessary words. All will be
oh "kay. Maestro, what do you need?" he asked his assistant.
- Personal data of the guard, - he said. - Where was born, who
parents ... And one more consultation from Ivan.
“File cabinet,” said Graceful shortly. Two devils ran somewhere, and
Graceful hugged Ivan and began to walk with him back and forth, something quietly
told.
They came running with the data. One reported:
-- From Siberia. Parents are peasants.
Graceful devil, Ivan and the maestro had a brief consultation.
-- Yes? - asked Graceful.
“Like a bayonet,” Ivan replied. - Let me die! - Maestro?
- In ... two and a half minutes, - replied the maestro, looking at
watch.
“Go ahead,” said Graceful.
Maestro and with him six devils - three males and three females -
sat down nearby with the instruments and began to play. Here they played ...
The maestro nodded his head, and six roared out:

On the wild steppes of Transbaikalia,
Where gold is dug in the mountains
Tramp, cursing fate,
Dragged along with a bag on his shoulders.

Here it is necessary to stop the narration and, as far as possible, plunge into
the world of the song. It was a wonderful world, heartfelt and sad. The sounds of a song
quiet, but immediately some powerful, clean, hit the very soul. The whole
the Sabbath has moved far, far away; devils, especially those who sang, became
suddenly beautiful creatures, smart, kind, it suddenly seemed that the meaning
their true existence is not in the Sabbath and outrages, but in another - in love, in
compassion.

A tramp approaches Baikal,
He takes a fishing boat,
He starts a sad song
Something sings about the homeland.

Oh, how they sang! How they, the dogs, sang! The guard leaned his spear against
gate and, frozen, listened to the song. His eyes filled with tears, he somehow
even went crazy. Maybe he even stopped understanding where he was and why.

Tramp Baikal has moved, -
Towards my dear mother.
Oh, hello, oh, hello, dear,
Are my father and brother healthy?

The guard went up to the singers, sat down, bowed his head in his hands and stood
wiggle back and forth, - M-mh ... - he said.
And the devils went into the empty gate.
And the song poured, tore the soul, ruined the vanity and trifle of life - it called for
open space, free will. And the devils walked and walked into the empty net. To the guard
brought a huge charm ... He, without hesitation, drank, fucked the char on the ground,
dropped his head on his hands and said again;
- M-h ...

Your father has long been in the grave,
Buried in damp earth.
It has been rattling with shackles for a long time.

The guard slammed his fist on the knee, raised his head - his face in tears.

And your brother has long been in Siberia -
It has been rattling with shackles for a long time, -

he sang in a distressed voice. - My life, or did you dream about me?
Give "Kamarinskaya"! Let it all go to waste, burn everything with blue fire! Give me some wine!
“You can't, little man, you can't,” said the crafty maestro. - You will get drunk
and you will forget everything
-- Who?! the guard shouted. And he touched the maestro's breasts: - Who is here
will teach me ?! You goat? I'll tie you up in three knots, you stinker! I'll
I'll carry everyone over the bumps! ..
- Why do they love bumps so much? - Graceful devil was surprised. -- One
was going to carry over the bumps, another ... What bumps do you mean,
Dear? he asked the guard.
- Cry! - said the guard, - "Kamarinskaya"!
- "Kamarinskaya", - ordered the Graceful musicians.
-- Guilt! the guard barked.
- Guilt, - Graceful echoed obediently.
-- Maybe we should not? - argued the pretend maestro. - He's bad
will.
- No, you have to! - Graceful devil raised his voice. - It will be good for him!
-- Friend! the guard roared. - Let me kiss you!
- I'm coming! - answered the Graceful devil. - Wait, we will cut ourselves! We
We'll carry them all over the bumps! We are all of them here! ..
Ivan looked in surprise at the devils that circled around the guard,
he was especially amazed by the Graceful Devil.
- What are you doing, hey? he asked him.
- Cry! - Graceful devil barked, - Otherwise I will carry you over the bumps,
What are you...
-- I'm sorry, what? - Ivan asked menacingly. And he got up. - Who are you
will you carry it over the bumps? Well, repeat it.
- Who are you raising your tail at here? - also asked menacingly
brute-guard Ivan.
- On my friend ?! I'll make a langet out of you!
“Langet again,” Ivan said, stopping. - That's the case!
- "Kamarinskaya"! - Graceful devil was capricious. - Ivan to us
will dance. "Kamarinskaya"! Vanya, come on!
- Go to the devil! - Ivan was angry. - Come on yourself ... with a friend out.
“Then I’m not sending the devil with you,” said the Graceful Devil. AND
attentively, angrily looked at Ivan. -- Understood? You will get to the Sage! ..
You will never get to him.
- Oh, you, you mug, you are not baptized! - Ivan choked with indignation. -- Yes
how is it? Yes, something so possible? Where is your shame? But we agreed. I AM
he took such a sin on his soul - he taught you how to go through the gate.
- The last time I ask: will you dance?
- Oh, curse! .. - Ivan groaned. - But what is it? Yes for
What is this torment to me?
- "Kamarinskaya"! - ordered the Graceful Devil. - "Poshekhonsky sufferings".

The devils-musicians began to play "Kamarinskaya". And Ivan went with his hands down,
walked around, went to tap with paws. He danced and cried.
He cried and danced.
- Eh, help! .. - he exclaimed angrily and bitterly. - You are dear to me
you get it! It's so expensive that you can't even say how expensive! ..

And here is the office. About the office! That's really the office so the office.
Ivan would be completely lost here, if not for the devil. Damn came in handy
by the way. They walked for a long time along the stairs and corridors until they found a reception
Sage.
- Wait a minute, - said the devil, when they entered the waiting room. - Sit here ...
I soon. - And ran away somewhere.
Ivan looked around. In the reception there was a young secretary who looked like
librarian, only this one is of a different color, and her name is Milka. And that one - Jackdaw.
Milka's secretary typed and spoke on two phones at once.

Oh, well, this is millet! - she spoke into one tube and smiled. -
Do you remember, at the Morgunovs: she put on a yellow shiny dress,
hay, or what, symbolized? What is there to puzzle about? About what? And right there
- to another, strictly:
- He's not there. I don’t know ... And you don’t intonate, don’t intonate, I’m your fifth
just say: he is not there. Do not know.
- What time were you there? At eleven? One to one? Interesting...
Was she alone? Did she crop up to you ?.
- Listen, I ska ... But you do not intonate, do not intonate. Do not know.
Ivan remembered: their librarian, when he wants to ask by phone from
his girlfriend, is her boss at home, asks: “Is your bump in the hole?” And he
also asked Milka:
- And when will the hillock be in the pit? - He suddenly got angry at this
Milka.
Milka glanced at him briefly.
-- What would you like? she asked.
- I ask: when will ...
- On what question?
- Need help that ...
- Monday, Wednesday, nine dash eleven.
- I ... - Ivan wanted to say that he needs a certificate before the third
roosters. Milka tapped again:
- Monday, Wednesday, nine to eleven. Stupid?
This is millet, - said Ivan. And he got up and walked freely through the waiting room. -- I AM
I would even say compote. As our Jackdaw says: "dog's joy for two",
"a mixture of a goat with a grundik. I ask globally: are you a bride? And myself
I answer: the bride. One to one. - Ivan grew more and more heated. - But you
But - look at yourself - you don't have a blush all over your cheek. What are you
bride? You just ask me - I am the eternal bridegroom, - ask: appeared with me
hunting to marry you? Come on, ask.
- Hunting appeared?
“No,” Ivan said firmly.
Milka laughed and clapped her hands.
- Oh, what else? she asked. -- Anything else. Oh please. Ivan
did not understand what "else"?
- Show something else.
- Ah, - Ivan guessed, - you decided that I was a pea jester. What am I --
so-so, Vanek in little paws ... Stupid, as you say. So you know: I
wiser than all of you ... deeper, more popular. I express aspirations, and what do you express?
You don’t express a damn thing! Magpies. You are empty, like ... I have the essence, but in you and
this is not present. Some dances are on the mind. And you even really talk to me
do not want to. I’m so angry, how I’ll take a club! ..
Milka laughed loudly again.
- Oh, how interesting! And also, huh?
- It will be bad! - Ivan shouted. - Oh, it will be bad! .. You'd better not
be angry, don't be angry, it's better! ..
Then the devil flew into the waiting room and saw that Ivan was yelling at the girl.
- Huh, huh, huh, - the devil mumbled in fright and began to press Ivan into
injection. - What is it here? Who allowed us to perform? .. Aya-ya-yay!
You can't go anywhere. I've read the prefaces, - he explained to the girl
"performance" of Ivan. - Sit quietly, wait we will be received. Wait he comes ... I'm there
agreed: we will be received first.
Only the devil said so, a little one burst into the waiting room like a whirlwind,
little white - the Sage himself, as Ivan understood.
“Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense,” he said quickly as he walked. - Vasilisa never
I have not been to the Don.
The devil bowed his head respectfully.
“Come in,” said the Sage, without addressing anyone separately. AND
disappeared into the study.
Let's go, - the devil pushed Ivan. - Do not try to just fly out from
with your prefaces ... Poddak, that's all.

The sage ran around the office. He, as they say, tore and threw.
-- Where?! Where did they get this ?! - he asked someone and raised
arms up. -- Where?!
- Why are you upset, dad? Ivan asked sympathetically. Sage
stopped in front of the visitors, Ivan and the devil.
-- Well? he asked sternly and incomprehensibly. - Did you fool Ivan?
- Why do you put the question so immediately? - the devil spoke skittishly. -
We, in fact, have long wanted ...
-- What do you? What do you want in a monastery? Your goal?
“Destruction of the primitive,” the devil said firmly. The sage threatened him
finger.
- You will be mischievous! And theoretically they are not ready.
- No, well, seriously ... - the devil smiled at the old man's fearless
threat. - Well, it's sickening to watch. The robes alone are worth something!
- What should they walk in your semi-pendants?
- Why in semi-pendants? Nobody calls for this. But, in all honesty
on the heart: is it really not clear that they are hopelessly behind? Fashion, you say.
And I will say: yes, fashion! After all, if the world bodies make their circle in orbit,
then they, strictly speaking, do not quite do it ...
- Here, obviously, we should not talk about fashion, - said the old man importantly
and excitedly - but about the possible positive influence of extreme
tendencies towards some well-established norms of morality ...
-- Of course! - exclaimed the devil, looking at the Sage with loving eyes.
- Of course, about the possible positive impact.
- Every phenomenon, - continued the old man, - contains two
functions: motor and brake. It's all about which function at the moment
more irritated; motor or brake. If an irritant from the outside has got
on motor function - the whole phenomenon bounces and moves forward if
the stimulus hit the inhibitory - the whole phenomenon, as they say, shrinks
and crawls into itself. - The sage looked at the devil and at Ivan. -- Usually
they don't understand ...
“Why, it's so clear,” said the devil.
- I keep repeating, - continued the Sage, - that it is necessary to take into account
the presence of these two functions. Consider functions, consider functions!
Every phenomenon, so to speak, about two heads: one speaks
"yes", the other says "no".
`` I saw a phenomenon about three heads ... '' Ivan muttered, but he did not
paid attention.
- Let's hit one head, we will hear "yes"; hit another, hear no. -
The old man Sage swiftly raised his hand, aimed his finger at the devil. - What
did you hit?
“We hit who said yes,” the devil answered without hesitation.
The old man dropped his hand.
- Based on the potential capabilities of these goals, this phenomenon,
a head that says yes is tighter. It is to be expected that the whole phenomenon
will jump and move forward. Go on. And - with the theory, with the theory for me! .. -
The old man shook his finger at the devil again.
- Maneuver! Look! I'll fluff it up! .. Oh, I'll fluff it up! Damn, nodding shallowly
his head, smiling, backed away and backed towards the exit ...
the winning smile on his face disappeared. Ivan, as he stood, fell to his knees
before the Sage.
- Dad, - he pleaded, - after all, I have a sin: I taught the devils how
go to the monastery ...
- Well? .. Get up, get up - I don't like that. Stand up - ordered
Sage. Ivan got up.
-- Well? And how did you teach them? the old man asked with a smile.
- I suggested that they sing the guard's native song ... They are there
flickered in front of him - he held out for now, and I say: you sing his dear,
his own ... They sang ...
- What did they sing?
- "Along the wild steppes of Transbaikalia". The old man laughed
- Ah, rascals! he exclaimed. - And they sang well?
- So they sang, they sang so sweetly that at my very throat
intercepted.
- Can you sing? the Sage asked quickly.
- Well, how can I? .. So ...
- And dance?
-- What for? - Ivan was on the alert.
- Well ... - the old man was worried, - that's what! Let's go into one
a place. Oh, Vanya! .. I'm getting tired, my friend, I'm so tired - I'm afraid someday I will fall and
I will not get up. Not from stress I will fall, mind you, from thoughts.
Here Milka's secretary came in. With paper.
“They say that the Dzidra volcano is ready to erupt,” she reported.
- Aha! - exclaimed the old man and ran across the office. -- What?
Jerks?
- Jerks. The temperature in the crater ... Hum.
- Let's go from the analogy with a pregnant woman, - spurred his thoughts
old man. - Tremors ... Are there tremors? There is. Crater temperature ... General
the excitability of a pregnant woman, her talkativeness is nothing more than
temperature in the crater. There is? Hum, hum ... - The old man reined in his thoughts, took aim
finger in Milka: - And what is hum?
Milka didn't know.
- What is hum? - The old man aimed at Ivan.
- Rumble? .. - Ivan laughed. - It depends on what kind of hum ... Let's say, hum
Ilya Muromets will do this one thing, but Poor Liza will make a hum - this is ...
- Vulgartheory, - interrupted old Ivan. - The hum is a concussion
air.
- Do you know how it shakes from Ilya! - Ivan exclaimed. - Glass
rattle!
- I'll fluff it up! - the old man barked. Ivan fell silent. - Rumble is not only
mechanical shock, it is also ... uterine. There is a hum that
the human ear cannot perceive ...
- The ear cannot perceive, but ... - Ivan could not resist again, but
the old man gazed at him sternly.
- Well, fluff you up?
- Don't, - asked Ivan. - I won't.
- Let's continue. All three signs of the great analogy are there. Summary?
Summary: let it erupt.
- The old man shot his finger at the secretary: - Just write it down.
Milka's secretary wrote it down. And she left.
- I'm getting tired, Vanya, my friend, - the old man continued his theme, as if he
and was not interrupted.
- I get so tired that sometimes it seems: that's it, I won't be able to apply any more
one resolution. No, there comes a moment, and again I apply. For seven hundred, for
eight hundred resolutions a day. So you will want to sometimes ... - The old man is subtle,
laughed lasciviously.
- Sometimes you will want to pinch ... to pinch herbs, berries ... damn those
what! .. And, you know, I make a decision ... eight hundred and one: a smoke break! Is there
one such ... princess Nesmeyana, so we wait and descend upon her.
The secretary Milka entered again: - Siamese cat Tishka jumped from the eighth
floors.
- Crashed?
- Crashed.
The old man thought ...
“Write it down,” he ordered. - Timofey the cat could not resist.
-- Everything? - asked the secretary.
-- Everything. What is the resolution for today?
- Seven hundred and forty-eighth.
- Smoke break.
Secretary Milka nodded her head. And she left.
- To the princess, friend! - exclaimed the freed Sage. -- Now we
Let's make her laugh! We'll make fun of her, Vanya. Sin, sin, of course, sin ... Huh?
-- I'm nothing. Will we be in time before the third roosters? I still have to go.
- We'll make it! Sin, you say? Of course, of course, a sin. Not allowed, right?
Sin, right?
- I'm not talking about that sin ... Devil, they say, they let them into the monastery - that's
a sin.
The old man thought significantly.
- Damn it? Yes, ”he said incomprehensibly. - It's not so simple, my friend,
everything, my dear, is very, very difficult. And the cat ... Huh? Siamese. WITH
eighth floor! Go!

Nesmeyana was quietly furious with boredom.
At first she just lay there ... She lay, lay and howled.
- I'll hang myself! she said.
There were also some young people, guys and girls. They were also
boring. Lying in bathing suits among the ficuses under quartz lamps -
sunbathed. And everyone was terribly bored.
- I'll hang it! - shouted Nesmeyana. - I can’t take it anymore!
The young people turned off the transistors.
- Well, let it be, - said one. -- And what?
“Bring the rope,” she asked. This one who was asked
lay down, lay down ... sat down, - And then - a stepladder? -- he said.
- And then - to look for a hook? I'd rather kick her in the face.
“Don’t,” they said. - Let him hang himself - maybe it will be interesting.
One girl got up and brought a rope. And the guy brought a stepladder and
put it under the hook on which the chandelier hung.
“Take off the chandelier for now,” they advised.
- Take it off yourself! - the guy snapped.
Then the one who advised to remove the chandelier got up and climbed onto the ladder
- remove the chandelier. Little by little they moved ... The case appeared.
- The rope needs some soap.
- Yes, the rope is soaped ... Where is the soap?
Let's go look for soap.
- Do you have soap?
- Household ...
-- Nothing?
-- Who cares! Hold the rope. Will it break off?
- How much in you, Alka? - Alka this is Nesmeyana. -- How many
do you weigh?
-- Eighty.
- Will survive. Lather.
Soaped the rope, made a loop, tied the end to the hook ...
stepladders.
- Come on, Alka. Alka - Nesmeyana sluggishly got up ... yawned and climbed on
stepladder. I got in ...
“Have the last word,” someone asked.
- Oh, just don’t! all the others protested. -- Do not,
Alka, don't tell me.
- This is just not enough!
- I beg you, Alka! .. No need for words. You better sing.
“I’m not going to sing or speak,” said Alka.
- Clever girl! Let's.
Alka put a noose around her neck ... She stood there.
- Then push the ladder with your foot.
But Alka suddenly sat down on the step-ladder and again howled:
- It's boring too, oh! .. - she sang or began to cry. -- Not
funny-oh! They agreed with her.
-- Really...
- Nothing new: it was, it was.
- Besides, pathology.
- Naturalism.

And then the Sage and Ivan entered.
- Here, if you please, - the old man spoke cheerfully, giggling and rubbing
hands - goofy with boredom. Well, young people! .. Of course, by all means
tried, but how to get rid of boredom - there is no such remedy. Is that so? A,
Nesmeyanushka?
- Last time you promised to come up with something, - said capriciously
Not laughing from the stepladder.
- And I came up with! - exclaimed the old man cheerfully. - I promised, I and
invented. You, gentlemen are good, in search of so-called fun at all
forgot about the people. But the people were not bored! The people laughed! .. He knew how to laugh.
There have been moments in history when people drove entire hordes from their land
- and only with laughter. Hordes surrounded the fortress walls on all sides, and beyond
the walls suddenly heard a mighty laugh ... Enemies were lost and retreated. Necessary
know history, dear people ... And then we ... are too witty,
intellectual ... but we don't know our own history. Oh, Nesmeianushka?
- What have you come up with? - asked Nesmeyana.
- What have I come up with? I took it and turned to the people! - said not without pathos
old man.
- To the people, to the people, my dear. What will we sing, Vanya?
- Yes, I am somehow embarrassed: they are all naked ... - said Ivan. -- Let be
at least get dressed, or something.
The young people were indifferent to say nothing, and the old man giggled condescendingly -
showed that he, too, was not enthusiastic about these medieval representations of Ivan
about bashfulness.
- Vanya, this is ... Well, let's just say: it's not our mind's business. Our business is to sing and
dance. Right? Balalaika! They brought a balalaika.
Ivan took her. Tinkered, tinkered - tweaked ... I went out the door, .. And
suddenly flew into the room - almost with a whistle and with a whoop - with a ditty:

Eh, my dear,
My stirrer,
She walks by herself ...

Oh! .. - groaned the young and Nesmeyana. -- Do not! Well,
please...
- Don't, Vanya.
- So, - said the old man. - In the language of the people it is called - not
prohonzhe. Let's move the reserve.
Re-dance! Vanya, pli!
- Go to hell! - Ivan got angry. - What am I to you,
Parsley? You see, they are not funny! And I'm not funny either.
- What about the certificate? the old man asked ominously. -- A? Help ... Its
need to earn.
- Well, right away - into the bushes. How is it, dad?
- And how! But we agreed.
- But they are not funny! It would be at least funny, by God, but so ... Well
it's a shame, well ...
“Don't torture the person,” Nesmeyana said to the old man.
- Give help, - Ivan became nervous. - And so failed
how. I won't be in time. The first roosters, when isho sang! .. Just about the second
burst out, and before the third one must be in time. And I must go and go.
But the old man decided to cheer up the youth. And he set off on a very and
a very shameful twist - he decided to make Ivan a laughingstock: so he wants
began to please his "princess", so the old sinner became unbearable.
In addition, annoyance took him, that he could not make these bored people laugh in any way.
rams.
- Help? he asked with silly bewilderment. - What kind of help?
- Hello! - Ivan exclaimed. - I told you ...
- I forgot, repeat.
- That I'm smart.
-- A! - "remembered" the old man, trying to involve everything in a bad game
youth too. - You need a certificate that you are smart, I remembered. But what about me
can I give such a certificate? A?
- You have a seal ...
- Yes, there is a seal ... But I don’t know whether you are smart or not. I, let's say,
I will give you a certificate that you are smart, and you are a fool, a fool. What will it be? it
there will be a forgery. I cannot go for it. Answer me three questions first.
If you answer - I'll give you a certificate, if you don't answer - don't blame me.
- Come on, - Ivan said reluctantly. - In all the prefaces it is written,
that I'm not a fool at all.
- The prefaces are written ... Do you know who writes the prefaces?
- Is that the first question?
-- No no. This is not the question yet. This is so ... The question is this: what did he say
Adam, when did God take a rib from him and create Eve? What did Adam say at the same time?
- The old man looked sideways and slyly at his "princess" and at the other young:
asked how they accepted this venture with the exam. He himself was pleased.
-- Well? What did Adam say?
“It's not funny,” said Nesmeyana. - Stupid. Flat.
- Some kind of amateur performance, - said the others. - Idiocy. What he
said? "He himself created, he himself and live with her"?
The old man laughed obsequiously and shot his finger at the young man,
who made such a joke.
- Very close! .. Very!
- I could have said it more cleverly.
- Wait a minute ... Wait a minute ... - the old man fussed. - The very same
interesting - how Ivan will answer! Vanya, what did Adam say?
- Can I ask a question too? - Ivan asked in turn. -
Later...
- No, first answer: what did you say ...
- No, let him ask, - Nesmeyana was capricious. - Ask, Vanya.
- What can he ask? How much is a crop of oats at the bazaar?
- Ask, Vanya. Ask, Vanya. Vanya, ask. Ask, Vanya!
- Well, this is already childishness, - the old man was upset. - Okay, ask
Vania.
- Tell me why you have one extra rib? - Ivan. imitating
the old man, aimed his finger at him.
-- That is? - he was taken aback.
- No, no, not "that is," but why? - got interested in Nesmeyana. -- AND
why did you hide it?
“This is already curious,” others also got interested. - Extra rib?
This is out of the ordinary! ..
- So this is where all the wisdom comes from!
- Oh, how interesting it is!
- Show me, please. Oh please! Young people began to surround
old man.
- Well, well, well, - the old man was frightened, - why so? What a joke?
What, you liked the idea of ​​a fool so much, or what?
The old man was surrounded more and more closely. Someone was already reaching for his jacket, someone
pulled at his pants - they decided to undress the Sage without any jokes.
- And to hide really such an advantage ... Why?
- Hold your jacket, hold your jacket! .. Oh, there are not very many of them
probing!
- Stop it! - shouted the old man and began to resist from all
forces, but only more provoked it. - Stop it immediately
ugliness! It's not funny, you know? This is not humor, this is not humor! Fool
joked, and they ... Ivan, tell me you were joking!
- In my opinion, I have already groped! .. The shirt is in the way, - one shuffled
hefty guy. - He also has a T-shirt ... No, warm underwear!
Synthetic. Therapeutic. Hold on your shirt ...
The Sage's jacket and trousers were removed. They took off their shirt. The old man appeared in
underwear warm.
-- This mess! he shouted. - There is no reason for humor here!
When is it funny? It's funny when intentions, ends and means are all distorted!
When there is a deviation from the norm!
The big guy gently patted his round belly.
- And this ... isn't it a deviation?
-- Hands off! the old man yelled. - Idiots! Nerds! .. None
representations of what is funny! .. Nerds! Lazybones ...
At this time he was carefully tickled, he laughed loudly and wanted
break out of the encirclement, but the young bulls and heifers stood very tightly.
- Why did you hide about the presence of an extra rib?
- What rib? Oh, ha-ha-ha! .. But where? Ha-ha-ha! .. Oh, I can't! ..
This is ... Ha-ha-ha! .. This is ... Ha-ha-ha! ..
- Let him tell.
- It's primitive! This is Stone Age humor! Everything is stupid, starting from the rib and
ending with your desire ... Ha-ha-ha! .. Oh-oh-oh! .. - And then the old man farted,
so it was - in an old way, he gave a low voice, and he was very scared, all
fluttered and cowered.
And with the young began hysterics, Now they were laughing, but how! -
avidly, lay down. Nesmeyana swayed dangerously on a stepladder, wanted to get off, but did not
could move with laughter. Ivan climbed and took it off. And put it next to others -
laugh out loud. He himself found the old man's trousers, rummaged in his pocket ... and found it. Seal.
And he took it.
- While you are here, - he said, - and I have to go.
- Why are you all ... printing? the Sage asked pitifully. -- Let's,
I'll give you a certificate.
- I myself will now issue certificates. Everyone in a row. - Ivan went to
doors. - Goodbye.
“This is treachery, Ivan,” said the Sage. - Violence.
-- Nothing like this. - Ivan also began to pose. - Violence is when
they beat me in the teeth.
- I'm going to impose a resolution! - declared the Sage with a threat. - I will impose
- you will dance!
- Weak, dad! - shouted from the company of young people. - Put it down!

My beloved! - wrung her hands in a prayer of Nesmeyan. - Apply!
Sway the atmosphere!
-- Solution! the Sage announced solemnly. - Given the humor of the given
collective of fools is declared stupid! And also untimely and animals, in
connection with which he is deprived of the right to express the quality referred to in
further - laughter. Point. My so-called surprise count
invalid.

And suddenly wondrous, impetuous music burst out ... And the chorus. Chorus looks like
sings and moves - they dance.
Song of devils.

Hallelujah - behold
Three or four - here,
Hanky ​​panky. Hanky ​​panky,

We will take with us on a hike
For an agreeable people -
Polish. Polish.
Hallelujah - ah! Hallelujah - ah!

Ours is for you
With a brush;
Under the fence
Under the wattle -
Let's get some culture. Let's get some culture.
Hallelujah - a! Hallelujah - a!

This is where they sing and dance so wonderfully? Where do they know how to rejoice? Uh - uh! ..
That in the monastery. Damn. They drove all the monks out of there, and they themselves have fun.
When our Ivan came to the monastery, it was deep night; over the forest, close,
the moon hung. There was now a guard at the gate - damn it. The monks stuck
fence and watched what was going on in the monastery. And there was just a cheerful
demonic move: devils walked in procession and sang with a dance. And their song is far away
carried around.
Ivan felt sorry for the monks. But when he came closer, he saw: the monks
stand and twitch their shoulders in time to the damn music. And feet quietly
are tapping. Only a few - mostly elderly - sat in sorrow
poses on the ground and shook their heads ... But here's a curiosity: although they are sad
swayed, but still to the beat. And Ivan himself - stood a little and did not notice,
how he also began to twitch and stamp his foot, as if an itch seized him. But
the screeching and chanting fell silent in the monastery - apparently, the devils were tired,
have taken. The monks moved away from the fence ... And then suddenly a guard-monk climbed out of the ditch
and went out of his drunken eyes to his former place.
- Well, scatter! he said to the devil. - How are you here?
The devil guard smiled indulgently.
- Go, go, uncle, go sleep it off. Get away!
- This is what is it ?! - the monk was amazed. - By what right? How
did you end up here?
- Go sleep it off, then I'll explain your right to you. Pshel!
The monk climbed to the devil, but he poked him rather sensitively
lance.
- Pshel, they say! They fill their eyes and climb ... It is not supposed to come up! Vaughn
the instruction is hanging: approach the gate no closer than ten meters.
- Oh, you harya! - the monk swore. - Oh, you goat abortion! .. Well,
Okay, okay ... Come on, I'll come to my senses, I'll show you the instructions. I myself
I'll hang up instead of instructions!
“And you’re not supposed to express yourself,” the devil remarked sternly. - And then I will
I will quickly determine - there you will express yourself as much as you like. Call him
will! I call them names!
Get out of here while I ... Get out of here! Beer barrel. Get out!
- Agafangel! - called the monk. - Move away ... Otherwise you will make trouble.
Get away from sin.
Agafangel, swaying, went home. I went and hummed:

On the wild steppes of Transbaikalia,
Where gold is dug in the mountains
Tramp, cursing fate ...

The devil guard giggled in his back.
- Agafangel ... - he said, laughing. - And they will name it! Already
rather "Agavinus". Or simply "Vermouth".
- What is it, brothers, happened to you? - Ivan asked,
sitting down with the monks. - Kicked out?
“They kicked out,” one gray-bearded sighed. - Yes, how they kicked out! With pinches,
that's how they kicked out! We asked for you.
“Trouble, trouble,” said another quietly. - That's really the trouble, the trouble:
unprecedented. Never seen such a thing.
- We must endure, - responded a completely decrepit old man and weakly
blew his nose. - Strengthen and endure.
- But what to put up with ?! - Ivan exclaimed. - What to endure? Necessary
do something!
“You are young,” they reasoned with him. - That's why you make noise. You will be older -
you won't make any noise. What to do? What can you do here - you see, what a power! -- It
us for our sins. - For sins, for sins ... We must endure. - We will endure.
Ivan with force, evil, hit his knee with his fist. And he said bitterly:
- Where was my bad head ?! Where was she, pumpkin ?! I'm the one to blame
brothers, I'm guilty! I gave you a drink. Sin is on me.
“Well, well, well,” they began to calm him down. -- What you? Eka, how are you
grabbed. What are you?
- Eh-h! .. - Ivan lamented. And he even cried. - How much am I per soul
took ... for one trip! How hard it is for me! ..
- Well, well ... Don't be punished, don't. What are you going to do now? You have to endure
dear.
Then the Graceful Devil came out of the gate and addressed everyone.
- Little men, - he said, - there is a trash! Who wants to make money?
-- Well? What is it? - the monks stirred. - What do you need?
- You have portraits hanging there ... in several rows ...
- Icons.
-- A?
- Our saints, what portraits?
- They need to be rewritten: they are outdated.
The monks were taken aback.
- And who should you write instead of them? the oldest monk asked quietly.
-- US.
Now everyone is silent. And they were silent for a long time.
“Thunder from heaven,” said the old monk. - Here it is, kara-something.
-- Well? - Graceful devil hastened. - Is there a master? Let's pay decently ...
All the same, you’re sitting around idle.
- Hit them! one monk suddenly shouted. And a few people
jumped up ... and rushed to the devil, to which he quickly ran into the gate, behind
guard. And at the moment, other devils tuned in to the guard and put
forward peaks. The monks stopped.
What are you all the same ... rude, - the Graceful Devil told them from behind the stockade.
- The ill-mannered. To educate and educate you ... Savages. Poshekhon.
Nothing, we'll take care of you now. - And he left. And only he left, in
music struck the depths of the monastery again ...
hooves on the cobblestones - devils beat a massive tap dance on the square. Ivan took up
head and walked away.

He walked through the forest, and he was all chased, catching up, lashing a cursed
music, devilish dance. Ivan walked and cried - it was so bitter in his soul, so
disgusting. He sat down on the same fallen forest on which he sat last time. Sat down and
thought about it. A Bear came up from behind and sat down too.

Well, did you go? -- he asked.
- I went, - Ivan responded. - It would be better not to go ...
-- What? Didn't give a certificate?
Ivan only waved his hand, did not speak - it was painful to speak.
The bear listened to the distant music ... and understood everything without words.
“These…” he said. - Is everyone dancing?
- Where do they dance? They dance in the monastery!
- Oh, honest mother! - the Bear was amazed. - Gone?
- Gone.
- Well, that's all, - said the Bear doomed, - we must leave. I knew it,
what will pass.
They were silent.
- Listen, - the Bear spoke, - you are closer to the city there ...
conditions in the circus?
- It seems nothing ... I really do not know very well, but so, I hear, nothing.
- How about food, I wonder ... How many times a day?
- The jester knows him. Do you want to go to the circus?
- Well, what to do? Whether you want it or not, you will go. How much more?
- Yes ... - Ivan sighed. -- Affairs.
- Are they very disgraceful? - asked the Bear, lighting a cigarette. - These?
- And what ... they will look, or something!
- This is ... not for that they tried. They will be dancing now. Ugh, to the soul
mother, something completely! .. -
The bear coughed. For a long time he coughed with a wheeze. - They will also refuse here ... in
circus - got ready. Will be rejected. Light as steel rags. It used to be a traffic jam
bouncer - it flew out with a shaft thick, and just now I chased a cow ... kho,
kho, khoh ... I ran a mile and stuck out my tongue. And there I suppose the gravity is necessary
raise.
“You have to walk on your hind legs there,” Ivan said.
-- Why? - the Bear did not understand.
- Why, you don't know, or what? They feed those who are on their hind legs
knows how.
Any dog ​​knows ...
- Yes, what interest?
“I don’t know that.
The bear paused. He was silent for a long time. “Well, well,” he said.
- Do you have a family? - Ivan asked
- Where! .. - Mikhailo Ivanovich exclaimed bitterly, with despair. -
Dispersed.
He got drunk, started to brawl something - they all fled. Where now, myself is not
I know. - He was silent for a while. And suddenly he got up and barked: - Well, curva! Get drunk
vodka, take a shaft and go to destroy the monastery!
- Why the monastery, then?
- They are there!
- No, Mikhailo Ivanovich ... don't. You won't get there.
Mikhailo Ivanitch sat down and began lighting a cigarette with trembling paws.
-- You do not drink? - asked.
-- No.
- In vain, - Mikhailo Ivanovich said angrily .. - It becomes easier. Hey,
will I teach?
“No,” Ivan said resolutely. - I tried it - it is bitter.
-- Who?
- Vodka.
Mikhailo Ivanitch laughed deafeningly ... And he slapped Ivan on the shoulder.
- Eh, you child, child! .. Pure child, by God. Will I teach you?
-- No. - Ivan got up from the forest. - I'll go: time left with gulkin
nose. Goodbye.
“Goodbye,” said the Bear. And they parted in different directions. x x x

And Ivan came to the hut of Baba Yaga. And I was about to stomp past, how
heard - name:
- Ivanushka, and Ivanushka! What's by then?
Ivan looked around - no one.
- Yes, here I am, - again the voice, - in the toilet! Ivan sees the toilet, and on
doors - pood lock. And the voice is from there, from the toilet.
-- Who's there? Ivan asked.
- Yes, I am, daughter of Baba Yaga ... mustache, remember?
- I remember how. Why are you there? Who are you?
- Help me out of here, Ivanushka ... Open the lock. On the porch, under
doormat, key, take it and open it. Then I'll tell you everything.
Ivan found the key, opened the lock. The mustached daughter of Baba Yaga jumped out of
toilet and began to hiss and spit.
- That's how it is with brides today! .. Well, snakes! .. I won't forgive you for this, I
I'll arrange for you ...
- Was it Gorynych who caulked you there?
- Gorynych .. Ugh, serpent! Okay, okay ... cube attic, me too
I'll come up with a guardhouse, bastard. - Why is he you? Ivan asked. -- Ask
him! Educates. He is posing as a colonel - he put him in the guardhouse.
Don't say too much! Such a club.
- The daughter of Baba Yaga suddenly looked closely at Ivan. -- Listen, --
she said, "do you want to be my lover?" A? Ivan was dumbfounded at first, but
involuntarily looked at the mustachioed bride: the mustache mustache, but the rest is all
with her, and even more - and breasts, and all that. And the mustache ... that's it ...
what does mustache mean? A dark strip on the lip, which is, in essence, a mustache, this is not
mustache, and so - a sign.
- I don’t understand something ... - Ivan hesitated. - Somehow it's up to me ... not
not at all ...
- Vanka, look! - suddenly the voice of Ilya Muromets was heard. -- Look,
Roly!
- It's starting! - Ivan winced. - Zavankal.
- What's starting? - the bride did not understand; she could not hear the voice
Ilya: not allowed.
- You might think that you are now and then forced into your mistresses.
- No, - said Ivan, - why? I mean ... it means
this ... it’s such a thing ...
- What are you mumbling for? Here it mumbles, here it turns. Yes, yes, no -
no, what is there to twist? I'll call someone else. - And Baba Yaga?
- She flew away to visit. And Gorynych is at war.
- Come on, - Ivan decided. - I still have half an hour. Let's indulge ourselves.
They entered the hut ... Ivan took off his little shoes and lay down at ease while on
bed.
“Tired,” he said. - Oh, and I'm tired! Wherever you have been! And what
I just haven't seen the shame and haven't endured ...
- This is not for you to sit on the stove. Which is better: salad or eggs?
- Give something in a hurry ... Time for something - to the light.
- You will have time. Better we have an egg, on the way - more satisfying. - Daughter of Baba Yaga
lit a light under the taganka on a pole, put down a frying pan.
- Let it warm up for now ... Well, kiss me - how can you? -
And the daughter of Baba Yaga pounced on Ivan and began to indulge and frolic.
- Oh - oh, you can't do anything! And he took off his bast shoes!
- Who can't? - Ivan hoisted the falcon. -- I can not? Yes, I'm here, wait
swing so that you ... Hold your hand! Hold your hand! Yes, my hand, mine,
keep it from shaking. There is? Hold the other, hold the other! .. Hold?
- I'm holding it? Well?..
- Let go, ah, - Ivan shouted.
- Wait, the frying pan is overheated, probably, - said the daughter of Baba-Yaga.
- Look what you are! Can you make a baby for me?
- What not to do? - with might and main became infuriated Ivan. - At least two. A
can you do it with him, with the baby? With the name, after all, fuss and fidget ... you know
how!
- I already know how to swaddle, - boasted the daughter of Baba Yaga. - Would you like to show me?
Wait, I'll put the egg on ... and show it.
Ivan laughed:
-- Oh well...
- Wait, you'll see. - The daughter of Baba Yaga put eggs on the fire and came up
to Ivan. - Lie down.
- Why me?
- I'll wrap you up. Lie down.
Ivan went to bed ... And the daughter of Baba Yaga began to swaddle him in sheets.
- My little one, - she said, - my little one ...
My sonny. Well, smile at mommy. Well, how can we smile?
Well? ..
- Ooh, ooh, - Ivan cried. - I want a little bitch, a little bitch
I want to! ..
Baba Yaga's daughter laughed:
- A-ah, zhrathenki wanted? Our little son wanted to eat ... Well,
so ... we swaddled our little one. Wait, we'll give him some grunts ... everything
let's give. Well, smile at mommy. Ivan smiled at "mommy".
- In-from ... - The daughter of Baba Yaga again went to kut. When she left, in
window, from the street, right above the bed, three heads of Gorynych peeped out. AND
froze, looking at the swaddled Ivan ... And they were silent for a long time. Ivan even closed his eyes
from horror.
- Utyusenki, - said Gorynych affectionately. - Little ... what are you
don't you smile at dad? You smile at your mom, but you don't want to dad. Come on, smile
Well?
- I'm not funny, - downloaded Ivan.
- Oh, we, probably, that? .. Yes, little?
“In my opinion, yes,” Ivan admitted.
-- Mommy! - called Gorynych. - Go on, my son is crap.
Baba-Yaga's daughter dropped a frying pan with eggs on the floor ... She was dumbfounded.
She was silent.
- Well, what about you? Why are you not happy? Daddy has come and you are sad.
- Gorynych smiled with all three heads. - Don't you like daddy? Do not like,
Probably, they don't like daddy ... They despise him. Then daddy will eat you.
Daddy will be eating you ... With bones! - Gorynych stopped smiling. -
With a mustache! With poop! Passion played out ?! he thundered in chorus. - Lust
you decided to scratch your own ?! Games started ?! Performances? .. I'll swallow all this
booth in one go!
- Gorynych, - Ivan said almost hopelessly, - and yet I have with me
print ... I got a whole seal instead of a certificate. This is ... that ... thing!
So don't yell here. Don't shout! - Ivan from fear, or something, - suddenly became
gain height and strength in the voice. - Why are you broke? Nothing to do?
He grasps ... He, you see, will eat us! There she is, the seal,
- look! Over there, in your pants. Look if you don't believe! I will print on three foreheads,
you will then ...
Here Gorynych grinned and vomited fire from one head, scorched Ivan.
Ivan fell silent ... He just said quietly:
“Don't play with fire. Fool's jokes.
The daughter of Baba Yaga fell on her knees in front of Gorynych.
“My beloved,” she said, “just get me right:
I made it for you for breakfast. I wanted to make a surprise. Think:
Gorynych will arrive, and I have something tasty for him ... lukewarm, in
bed sheets,
- Here are the creatures! - Ivan was amazed. - They will devour and say: this is how it should be, so
conceived. In, a couple got together! Ugh! .. Eat, you breakthrough! Eat, do not waste time!
I curse you! And only Gorynych was ready to hammer Ivan, he just opened
their mouths, the Don Ataman from the library flew into the hut like a whirlwind.
- Got it, son of a bitch ?! - he shouted at Ivan. - Did you jump ?!
Swaddled! Gorynych all roused himself, threw up his heads ...
- What else is this? he hissed.
- Let's go to the clearing, - the Ataman told him, taking out his inseparable
saber.
- There will be more able to fight. - He looked at Ivan again, ..
He frowned reproachfully.
- Directly a gift in a bag. How are you so?
- Blundered, Ataman .. - Ivan was ashamed to look at the bottom, - Mahu
gave .. Help me out, for Christ's sake.
- Do not grieve, - said the Cossack. - They didn’t let bloodshed like that, but
this ... I'll brush them off at once, all three. Went. How you? Gorynych? Went,
let's grab. Well, ugly !.
- What is my breakfast today! - exclaimed Gorynych. - Of the three
dishes. Went.

And they went to fight.
Soon heavy blows and indistinct exclamations were heard from the clearing. Battle
was cruel. The earth shook. Ivan and the daughter of Baba Yaga were waiting.
- And what did he say about three dishes? - asked the daughter of Baba Yaga, - He
what, didn’t believe me? Ivan was silent. I listened to the sounds of the battle.
- I didn’t believe it, - decided the daughter of Baba Yaga. - Then he will devour me too: I
as dessert I will go.
Ivan was silent. The woman was also silent for a while.
- And the Cossack! .. - she exclaimed flatteringly. - What a brave one. How
do you think who will prevail?
Ivan was silent.
“I’m for the Cossack,” the woman continued. - And who are you for?
- Oh, - Ivan groaned. - I'll die. From a ruptured heart.
-- What is wrong? the woman asked sympathetically. - Let me uncoil
you. - And she was about to undress Ivan, but she stopped and
I thought about it. - No, we will wait until ... The devil knows how they are doing there? Let's wait.
-- Kill me! - Ivan begged. - Stick it with a knife ... I can't stand this
flour.
- We will wait, we will wait, - the woman said soberly. - Let's not smack
fever. It is important not to be mistaken here.
At this time, the clearing became quiet. Ivan and the daughter of Baba Yaga froze in
waiting ... The Ataman entered, staggering.
“A healthy bull,” he said. - I overcame it by force. And where is this ...
here it is, stealing! Well, what are we going to do? Follow your friend to send you
reptile?
- Tu, tu, tu, - the daughter of Baba Yaga waved her hands. - Oh, these Cossacks to me!
Take it immediately on the throat. Do you at least find out first what happened here!
“I don’t know you!” - The ataman undressed Ivan and again turned to
woman: - What was there?
- Why, he almost raped me! Such a freak, such
ohalnik! .. I will caress you, he says, to the point of insanity ... And the offspring, they say,
I will leave: to spite Gorynych. Such a militant, such a militant - and it burns! ..
- And the daughter of Baba Yaga giggled immodestly.
- Direct light!
Ataman looked at Ivan in surprise.
- Ivan ...
- Listen to her more! - Ivan exclaimed bitterly. - And really, kill
you, but I don't want to take a sin on my soul - and so there ... a lot of everyone.
At least wait would not be spinning!
“But no matter how militant he is,” the woman continued, as if she didn’t hear
Ivan, - but still more militant than you, Cossack, I have not met men.
- And what, do you look like fighting? - Ataman asked playfully, And
adjusted his mustache.
- Give it up! - said Ivan. - We'll be gone. Don't listen to her, snake.
- Well, why disappear ... We will take her prisoner. - Let's go, Ataman: at
we have no time at all. The roosters are about to burst.
- You go, - the Ataman ordered, - and I will catch up with you. We're small here ...
“No,” Ivan said firmly. - I will not move from the place without you. What do we
Will Ilya say?
- Mkh-h, - the Cossack was upset. -- OK. Okay ... let's not upset
Muromets. Until another time, stealing! Look, you mustache. Oh, we will clash with
you ever ... mustache on mustache! - Ataman laughed loudly. -- Went,
Ivashka. Say thank you to Ilya - he sensed trouble. But he warned you
what did you not hear?
- Yes ... you see, we are so militant ... I didn’t hear.
Ivan and Ataman left.
And the daughter of Baba-Yaga sat on the bench for a long time, thinking.
- Well, who am I now? she asked herself. And to myself
answered:
“A widow is not a widow or a husband’s wife. We need to look for someone.

In the library, Ivan and the Donets were greeted noisily and joyfully.
- Thank God, they are alive and well.
- Well, Ivan, you startled us! That's how frightened! ..
- Vanyusha! Poor Liza called. - Oh, Vanyusha!
- Wait, girl, don’t go, - Ilya stopped her, - give me a job first
find out: how did you go, Vanka? Got a certificate?

I got a whole seal - here it is. - And Ivan gave the seal.
They looked at the seal for a long time with surprise, twisted it this way, that way ...
each other. The last person she got to was Ilya; he also spent a long time in
seal with huge fingers ... Then he asked everyone:
- Well, so ... And what to do with her?
Nobody knew that.
- And why send a person so far? - Ilya also asked.
And this, too, now no one knew. Only Poor Lisa, the leading Poor
Liza wanted to jump out with the answer:
- How do you say, Uncle Ilya ...
- How do I say? - Muromets interrupted her harshly. - I say: why do you need
was to send a person to such a distance? Here is the seal ... What's next?
Poor Liza did not know this either.
- Sit down, Vanka, sit down and sit, - ordered Ilya. - And then soon the roosters
will burst out.
- We wouldn't be in prison, Ilya! Ivan suddenly boiled over something. -- Not
we should sit down! ..
- Why then? - Ilya was surprised. - Well, dance then. Why is it soared?
- Ilya grinned and looked attentively at Ivan.
- Eka ... which one came.
-- Which? - Ivan did not calm down. - This is what I came - all around
guilty. Sit here! ..
“So sit down and think,” Ilya said calmly.
- Let's go to the Volga! - another traveler, Ataman, jumped up. He
He grabbed the cap off his head and slammed it on the floor. - Why sit ?! Saryn! ..
But before he had time to shout his "sarynya", the trumpet voice of the cock rang out:
hit by the third. Everyone jumped onto their shelves and froze. - Hat! -
cried the Ataman. - I left my hat on the floor.
-- Quiet! - ordered Ilya. - Don't get under way! Then we'll pick it up ... Wait
it is forbidden.
At this moment the key in the door lock rattled ... Aunt Masha entered,
cleaning woman. She went in and began to clean up.
- Some kind of hat ... - she saw. And raised her hat. - What kind of hat ?!
Some kind of wonderful. She looked at the bookshelves. - Whose is it?
The characters sat quietly, did not move ... And the Ataman sat quietly, in no way
showed that it was his hat. Aunt Masha put her hat on the table and continued
clean up. Here our fairy tale ends. There will be maybe another night ... Maybe
maybe something else will happen here ... But it will be another fairy tale. And this one -
the end.

Once in one library in the evening the characters of Russian literature started talking and arguing about Ivan the Fool.

I am ashamed, - said Poor Liza, - that he is with us.

I'm also embarrassed to stand next to him, - said Oblomov. - He stinks of footcloths.

Let the certificate get that he is smart, - suggested Poor Liza.

Where will he get it? - objected Ilya Muromets.

At the Sage. And let him have time to do this before the third roosters.

They argued for a long time, and finally Ilya Muromets said: “Go, Vanka. Necessary. See how they are all ... scientists. Go and remember, you won't burn in fire, you won't drown in water ... I can't vouch for the rest. " Ivan bowed all the way to the waist: "Do not remember it dashingly if you are lost." And went. Walked, walked, he saw - the light was shining. There is a hut on chicken legs, and around there are piled bricks, slate, all sorts of lumber. Baba Yaga came out on the porch:

Who it?

Ivan the fool. I'm going to the Sage for help.

Are you really a fool or just simple-minded?

What are you, Baba Yaga, driving at?

Yes, as I saw you, I immediately thought: oh, and a talented guy! Can you build?

I used to cut the mansion with my father. And why do you need it?

I want to build a cottage. Will you take it?

I have no time. I'm going for help.

Ah, - Baba Yaga stretched ominously, - now I understand who I am dealing with. Simulator! Rogue! The last time I ask: will you build?

Bake it! - cried Baba Yaga.

Four guards grabbed Ivan and pushed him into the oven. And then bells rang in the yard. “My daughter is on her way,” Baba Yaga rejoiced. - With the groom, Serpent Gorynych. The daughter entered the hut, also terrible and also with a mustache. "Fu-fu-fu," she said. "It smells of the Russian spirit." - "And I fry Ivan." My daughter looked into the oven, and from there - either crying, or laughter.

Oh, I can’t, ”Ivan groans.

I will not die from fire - from laughter.

What are you?

Yes, I laugh at your mustache. How will you live with your husband? He is in the dark and will not figure out who he is with - a woman or a man. Will fall out of love. And maybe, having become angry, and bite off the head. I know these Gorynychs.

Can you get your mustache out?

Get out.

And just then three heads of Gorynych stuck through the windows and stared at Ivan. “This is my nephew,” Baba Yaga explained. - He's staying. Gorynych was examining Ivan so carefully and for so long that he could not resist, became nervous: “Well? I am nephew, nephew. You were told. Or what - are you going to eat the guests? A?!" Gorynych's heads were surprised. “I think he's rude,” one said. The second, on reflection, added: "A fool, but a nervous one." The third spoke quite briefly: "Langet."

I'll show you such a langet! - Ivan exploded out of fear.

Wait, I'll arrange this! Are you tired of wearing your head ?!

No, well, he's rude with might and main, - the first head said almost crying.

Stop pulling, - said the second head.

Yes, stop pulling, '' Ivan foolishly assented and began to sing:

Oh, I shaved you
On the embankment
You gave me
Stockings-boots ...

It became quiet. “Do you know how to romance? - asked Gorynych. - Now sing. I'll bite off my hand. And you sing, ”he ordered Baba Yaga and his daughter.

And Ivan sang about "Khasbulat the daring", and then, although he resisted, he also had to dance in front of the Serpent. “Well, now you've grown wiser,” said Gorynych and threw Ivan out of the hut into the dark forest. Ivan is walking, and a bear is meeting him.

I'm leaving, - he complained to Ivan, - out of shame and shame. The monastery, near which I have always lived, was surrounded by devils. They make music, drink, misbehave, and harass the monks. You have to run away from here, or they will teach you how to drink, or I'll ask you to go to the circus. You, Ivan, don't need to go there. These are more terrible than the Serpent Gorynych.

Do they know about the Sage? Ivan asked.

They know about everything.

Then I'll have to, - Ivan sighed and went to the monastery.

And there, around the walls of the monastery, devils are walking - some knocks out a tap with a hoof, some leaf through a magazine with pictures, some drinks cognac. And next to the unyielding monastery guard at the gate, three musicians and a girl are performing "Black Eyes". Ivan the devils immediately began to take on the throat: “I am such a prince that shreds will fly from you. I'll smash it over the bumps! " The devils were amazed. One climbed onto Ivan, but his own pulled him aside. And an elegant man with glasses appeared in front of Ivan: “What's the matter, friend? What do you need? " “I need a certificate,” Ivan replied. "We will help, but you also help us."

They took Ivan aside and began to confer with him how to smoke the monks from the monastery. Ivan gave advice - to sing a song that is native to the guard. The devils burst out in chorus "On the wild steppes of Transbaikalia". The formidable guard became sad, went to the devils, sat down next to him, drank a glass of the offered, and devils moved into the empty gates of the monastery. Then the devil ordered Ivan:

Dance Kamarinskaya!

I went to the devil, - Ivan got angry. - After all, they agreed: I will help you, you - me.

Come on, dance, or we won't lead you to the Sage.

Ivan had to go to the dance, and immediately he found himself with the devil at the little, white old man - the Sage. But he just doesn't give a certificate: "If you make Nesmeyan laugh, I will give you a certificate." Ivan went with the Sage to Nesmeyana. And she goes berserk out of boredom. Her friends lie among the ficuses under quartz tanning lamps and are also bored. Sing for them, the Sage ordered. Ivan sang a ditty.

Oh ... - the young ones groaned. - Don't, Vanya. Oh please...

Vanya, dance! - ordered again the Sage.

Go to hell! - Ivan got angry.

What about the help? the old man asked ominously. - Here, answer me a few questions, prove that you are smart. Then I will issue a certificate.

Can I ask? - said Ivan.

Let, let Ivan ask, - Nesmeyana was capricious.

Why do you have an extra rib? - Ivan asked the Sage.

This is curious, - the young people got interested, they surrounded the old man. - Come on, show me a rib, - and with a giggle they began to undress and feel the Sage.

And Ivan pulled the seal from the Sage's pocket and went home. I walked past the monastery - devils were in charge there singing and dancing. I met a bear, and he is already interested in working conditions in the circus and offers to drink together. And when he passed Baba Yaga's hut, he heard a voice.

The tale of Ivan the Fool, how he went to distant lands to gain wisdom

Once in one library, in the evening, at about six o'clock, characters of Russian classical literature were arguing. Even when the librarian was there, they looked at her with interest from their shelves - they waited. The librarian finally spoke with someone on the phone ... She spoke strangely, the characters listened and did not understand. They were surprised.

- No, - said the librarian, - I think it's millet. He's a goat ... We'd better walk along. A? No, well, he's a goat. We'll walk, right? Then we'll go to Vladik ... I know that he is a ram, but he has a "Grundik" - we'll sit ... The seal will also come, then this one will be ... an owl ... Yes, I know that they are all goats but we must somehow shoot the time! Well, well ... I'm listening ...

“I don’t understand anything,” someone in a top hat said quietly — either Onegin or Chatsky — to his neighbor, a heavy landowner, it seems, Oblomov. Oblomov smiled:

- They are going to the zoo.

- Why are all the goats?

- Well ... apparently, irony. Pretty. A?

The gentleman in the top hat winced.

- Vulgarite.

- Give you all the French women, - Oblomov said with disapproval. With legs - they thought of it well. A?

- Very much ... that ... - interrupted the conversation by a dejected-looking gentleman, clearly a Chekhovian character. - Very short. Why so?

Oblomov laughed softly:

- Why are you looking there? Take it and don't look.

- What is it to me, in essence? - Chekhov's character was embarrassed. - Please. Why did they just start with their feet?

- What? - Oblomov did not understand.

- To revive then.

- And where do they come from? - Asked a satisfied Oblomov. - With feet, brother, and begin.

“You don’t change,” the Bumbled One remarked with hidden contempt.

Oblomov laughed softly again.

- Volume! Volume! Listen! - the librarian shouted into the receiver. - Listen here! He's a goat! Who has the car? Him? No seriously? - The librarian was silent for a long time - she listened. - And what sciences? She asked quietly. "Yes?" Then I myself am a goat ...

The librarian was very upset ... She hung up, sat just like that, then got up and left. And she locked the library.

Then the characters jumped off their shelves, moved chairs ...

- At the pace, at the pace! - shouted someone of a bureaucratic appearance, bald. - Let's continue. Who else wants to say about Ivan the Fool? Request: do not repeat yourself. And - in short. We must make a decision today. Who?

- Excuse me? Poor Liza asked.

- Come on, Liza, - said Bald.

“I myself am also a peasant,” Poor Liza began, “you all know how poor I am ...

- We know, we know! - everyone began to rustle. - Let's make it short!

“I’m ashamed,” Poor Liza continued hotly, “that Ivan the Fool is with us. How can?! How long will he disgrace our ranks?

- Drive out! - shouted from the place.

- Quiet! - said the bald clerk sternly. - What do you suggest, Liza?

“Let him get a certificate that he’s smart,” said Liza.

Here everyone rustled approvingly.

- Right!

- Let him get it! Or let it clean up! ..

- What are you, however, nimble, - said the huge Ilya Muromets. He was sitting on his shelf - he could not get up. - Broke. Where will he get it? Easy to say ...

“At the Sage's.” The bald man who was leading the meeting angrily slammed his palm on the table. - Ilya, I didn't give you a word!

- I didn't ask you. And I'm not going to ask. Close the slurp, or I'll make the ink drink at once. And have a snack with a blotter. Office rat.

- Well, it starts! .. - Oblomov said displeasedly, - Ilya, you should only bark. And what a bad suggestion: let him get a certificate. I'm also embarrassed to sit next to a fool. He smells of footcloths ... And, I think, no one ...

- Cry! - Ilya thundered. - It's awkward for him. Would you like a club on the head? I'll get it! Then some, obviously superfluous, remarked: - Civil strife.

- A? - did not understand Kontorsky.

- Civil strife, - said the Superfluous. - We'll be gone.

- Who will be lost? - Ilya, too, did not see the danger that Superfluous was talking about. - Sit here, gussarch! Otherwise I'll get it once too ...

- I demand satisfaction! - Superfluous jumped up.

- Yes, sit down! - said Kontorsky. - What satisfaction?

- I demand satisfaction: this Karacharov seat insulted me.

- Sit down, - said Oblomov. - What to do with Ivan?

Everyone thought about it. Ivan the Fool was sitting in the corner, making something out of the floor of his army jacket, like an ear.

Once in one library, in the evening, at about six o'clock, characters of Russian classical literature were arguing. Even when the librarian was there, they looked at her with interest from their shelves - they waited. The librarian finally spoke with someone on the phone ... She spoke strangely, the characters listened and did not understand. They were surprised.
- No, - said the librarian, - I think it's millet. He's a goat ... We'd better walk along. A? No, well, he's a goat. We'll walk, right? Then we'll go to Vladik ... I know that he is a ram, but he has a "Grundik" - we'll sit ... The seal will also come, then this one will be ... an owl ... Yes, I know that they are all goats but we must somehow shoot the time! Well, well ... I'm listening ...
“I don’t understand anything,” someone in a top hat said quietly — either Onegin or Chatsky — to his neighbor, a heavy landowner, it seems, Oblomov.
Oblomov smiled:
- They are going to the zoo.
- Why are all the goats?
- Well ... apparently, irony. Pretty. A?
The gentleman in the top hat winced.
- Vulgarite.
“Give you all the French women,” Oblomov said with disapproval. - And it will look to me. With legs - they thought of it well. A?
- Very much ... of that ... - the dejected-looking gentleman, clearly a Chekhovian character, interjected into the conversation. - Very short. Why so?
Oblomov laughed softly:
- Why are you looking there? Take it and don't look.
- What is it to me, in essence? - Chekhov's character was embarrassed. - Please. Why did they just start with their feet?
- What? - Oblomov did not understand.
- Reborn something.
- And where do they come from? - Asked a satisfied Oblomov. - With feet, brother, and begin.
“You don’t change,” the Bumbled One remarked with hidden contempt.
Oblomov laughed softly again.
- Volume! Volume! Listen! - the librarian shouted into the phone. - Listen! He's a goat! Who has the car? Him? No seriously? - The librarian was silent for a long time - she listened.
- And what sciences? she asked quietly. - Yes? Then I myself am a goat ...
The librarian was very upset ... She hung up, sat just like that, then got up and left. And she locked the library.
Then the characters jumped off their shelves, moved chairs ...

At the pace, at the pace! - shouted someone of a bureaucratic appearance, bald. - Let's continue. Who else wants to say about Ivan the Fool? Request: do not repeat yourself. And - in short. We must make a decision today. Who?
- Excuse me? Poor Liza asked.
- Come on, Liza, - said Bald.
“I myself am also a peasant,” Poor Liza began, “you all know how poor I am ...
- We know, we know! - everyone rustled. - Make it short!
“I’m ashamed,” Poor Liza continued hotly, “that Ivan the Fool is with us. How can?! How long will he disgrace our ranks?
- Drive out! - shouted from the place.
- Quiet! - Sternly said the bald clerk, - What do you suggest, Liza?
“Let him get a certificate that he’s smart,” said Liza.
Here everyone rustled approvingly.
- Right!
- Let him get it! Or let it clean up! ...
- What are you, however, nimble, - said the huge Ilya Muromets. He was sitting on his shelf - he could not get up. - Broke. Where will he get it? Easy to say ...
- At the Sage. The bald man who was leading the meeting angrily slammed his palm on the table. - Ilya, I didn't give you a word!
- I didn't ask you. And I'm not going to ask. Close the slurp, or I'll make the ink drink at once. And have a snack with a blotter. Office rat.
- Well, it starts! .. - Oblomov said displeasedly. - Ilya, you should only bark. And what a bad suggestion: let him get a certificate. I'm also embarrassed to sit next to a fool. He smells of footcloths ... And, I think, no one ...
- Cry! - Ilya thundered. - It's embarrassing for him. Would you like a club on the head? I'll get it!
Then someone, obviously superfluous, remarked:
- Civil strife.
- A? - did not understand Kontorsky.
“Civil strife,” said Superfluous. - We'll be gone.
- Who will be lost? - Ilya, too, did not see the danger that Superfluous was talking about. - Sit here, gussarch! Otherwise I'll get it once too ...
- I demand satisfaction! - Superfluous jumped up.
- Yes, sit down! - said Kontorsky. - What satisfaction?
- I demand satisfaction: this Karacharov seat insulted me.
“Sit down,” Oblomov said. - What to do with Ivan?
Everyone thought about it.
Ivan the Fool was sitting in the corner, making something out of the floor of his army jacket, like an ear.
“Think, think,” he said. - Clever people were found ... Doctors.
“Don't be rude, Ivan,” said Kontorsky. - They think about him, you know, and he is still rude. How about some help? Maybe you can go get it?
- Where?
- At the Sage ... You have to do something. I also lean ...
- I'm not inclined! - Ilya thumped again. - He bows. Well, lean as much as you like. Don't go, Vanka. They have invented some nonsense - help ... Who jumped out with the help? Lizka? What are you, girl ?!
- And nothing - Poor Liza exclaimed. - If you are sitting, then everyone should be sitting? Uncle Ilya, this sit-down agitation will not work for you! I subscribe to the presenter's demand: something must be done. - And she once again said loudly and convincingly: - We must do something!
Everyone thought about it. And Ilya frowned.
“Some kind of sit-down campaign,” he grumbled. - Invents anything he hits. What kind of agitation?
- Yes, this is the most! - Oblomov jumped at him. - Seated, you were told. "Ka-ka-aya". Shut up, please. We must, of course, do something, friends. You just need to understand: what to do?
- And yet I demand satisfaction! - Superfluous recalled his insult. - I challenge this bawker (to Ilya) to a duel.
- Sit down! - Kontorsky shouted at Superfluous. - To do business or to engage in duels? Stop fooling around. And so much has gone away ... The thing must be done, and not running through the woods with pistols.
Here everyone was agitated, rustled approvingly.
- I would have banned these duels altogether! - shouted pale Lensky.
“Coward,” Onegin told him.
- Who is the coward?
- You're a coward.
- And you are a quitter. Sharpie. The libertine. Cynic.
- Let's go to the Volga! - suddenly shouted some guly chieftain. - Saryn to the kitsch!
- Sit down! - Kontorsky was angry. - And then I'll show those "saryn". Slide it behind the closet yonder - you will poop there. I ask again: what are we going to do?
- Come to me, Ataman, - Ilya called the Cossack. - I'll tell you something.
- I warn you, - said Kontorsky, - if you start some kind of quarrel ... you won't be able to take your head off. To me, too, you know, nuggets.
- Nothing can be said! - Ilya was bitterly indignant. - What are you ?! Dogs of some kind, a true god: whatever you say - it's not like that.
- Just do not pretend, please, - Onegin said with contempt, addressing Ilya and the Cossack, - that you are the only one of the people. We, too, are the people.
- Wait they will tear the shirts on the chest, - said a certain small character like Gogol's Akaki Akakievich. - The sleeves will chew ...
- Why should I chew my sleeves? the Cossack chieftain asked sincerely. “I’ll put you on one palm and slap you with the other.
“Everything is civil strife,” said Superfluous sadly. - Now we will not do anything at all. In addition, we will also be lost.
- Let's go to the Volga! - the Ataman called again. - At least take a walk.
“Sit down,” Oblomov said angrily. - Reveler ... They would all go for a walk, they would all go for a walk! Business must be done, not walking.
- Ah-ah-ah, - suddenly ominously quietly stretched the Ataman, - here I have been looking for a coho all my life. - That's who I'm bleeding to ... Everyone jumped up from their seats ...
Akaki Akakievich flew like a bird to his regiment, Poor Liza sat down in horror and covered herself with a sundress ... Onegin convulsively loaded a dueling pistol from the barrel, and Ilya Muromets laughed and said:
- Oh, running around ?! Did you run in, you drape devils ?! We ran in!
Oblomov blocked himself from the Cossack with a chair and shouted to him, straining:
- You ask literary historians! You ask! .. I was good! I am only a hopeless bummer ... But I am harmless!
- But let's take it, - said the Cossack, - just give them a damn, how good you are: my saber doesn’t cut good ones.
Kontorsky was about to poke his head towards Kazak, he swung at him, and Kontorsky jumped back.
- Beat, Cossacks! - Ilya barked. - Chedi filthy blood!
And God knows what would have happened here if not for Akaki Akakievich.
In the midst of the general confusion, he suddenly jumped up and shouted:
- Closed for registration!
And everyone froze ... They came to their senses. The Cossack hid his saber. Oblomov wiped his face with a handkerchief, Liza got up and shyly straightened her sundress.
“Asia,” said Kontorsky quietly and bitterly. - How can you do something here! Thank you, Akaki. It somehow did not occur to me - to close the register.
- Ilya, do you have any wine? - asked the Cossack Muromets.
- Where? - he responded. - I don’t drink.
- It's hard on the soul, - said the Cossack. - I will suffer ...
- And there is nothing here ... swinging, you know, - said Kontorsky. - Let's continue. Lisa, you wanted to say something ...
“I propose to send Ivan the Fool to the Sage for help,” Liza said loudly and with conviction. - If he does not bring a certificate to the third roosters, let it ... I don’t know ... let it get away from us.
- Where is he? - Ilya asked sadly.
- Let him go to the second-hand bookshop! - Liza snapped hard.
- Oh, isn't it cool? - someone doubted.
“Not cool,” said Kontorsky, too harshly. - Not at all. The only way. Ivan ...
- Ainki! - Ivan responded. And he got up.
- Go.
Ivan looked at Ilya. Ilya bent his head and said nothing. And the Cossack, too, kept silent, only wrinkled his face painfully and looked with his eyes on the shelves and on the table - everything, apparently, was looking for wine.
“Go, Vanka,” Ilya said quietly. - You can't do anything. Need to go. See, what they are all ... scientists. Go and remember: you won't burn in fire, you won't drown in water ... I can't vouch for the rest.
- Want my saber? - the Cossack offered Ivan.
- Why do I need it? - he responded.
- Ivan, - said Ilya, - go boldly - I'll think about you. Where trouble will overtake you ... Where they plan to destroy you, I will shout: "Vanka, look!"
- How do you know sho exho trouble has calmed down? - asked the Cossack.
- I'll find out. I teach with my heart. And you will hear my voice.
Ivan went out to the middle of the library, bowed all over with a bow ... He pulled the Armenian up tighter and went to the door.
- Do not remember dashingly, if where to waste, - said from the doorway.
- The Lord is with you, - said Oblomov. - Maybe you won't be lost.
“You’ll come with a certificate, Ivan,” Liza said excitedly, “I’ll marry you.”
“Why the hell do I need you,” Ivan said rudely. - I'd rather be a princess of some kind ...
- Don't, Ivan, - Ilya waved his hand, - don't get involved. All of them ... no better than this one. - He pointed to Lisa. - Why do you need this certificate ?! What are you talking about? Where's the guy ... looking at night! And will he give it, a certificate, your Sage? He's also sitting there ...
“You can't go without a certificate, Uncle Ilya,” Liza said resolutely. - And to you, Ivan, I will remember that I gave up on me. Oh, I will remember those!
“Go, go, Ivan,” said Kontorsky. - It's late - you need to be in time.
“Goodbye,” Ivan said. And he went out.

To be continued...